Our PT joke thread

[RICHARD]

How you know when love fades?

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken."

She said "---- You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

[Catty1]

The largest condom factory in the U.S.A. burned down.

Nancy Pelosi is woken at 4 a.m. by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week".

Nancy Pelosi: "Oh damn, the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We're going to have to ship some in from Mexico "

Telephone voice says: "Bad idea....the Mexicans will have a field day with this one."

She says: "What about Canada "?

He says: "I'll call Stephen Harper, and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and eight inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans".

Three days later, a delighted Nancy Pelosi runs out to open the first box of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. She finds five million condoms, 10 inches long, 8 inches thick, just as requested ..... all coloured red and white with small writing on each one.

'MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: MEDIUM'

[Grace]

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:


You have to love this lawyer........


A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.



(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."


Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):



"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"


The loan was immediately approved.

[Catty1]

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:


1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

[cassiesmom]

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

[cassiesmom]

A nurse in a hospital was making her morning rounds. She entered Mr. Smith's room and found him finishing his breakfast.

"How was your breakfast, Mr. Smith?" she asked.

"Well," he answered, "everything was delicious but I just can't get used to the taste of this Kentucky jelly."

"'Kentucky jelly'?" replied the nurse. "What is that? Was it on your meal tray?"

Mr. Smith reached over to the side of his breakfast tray and produced a packet labeled ... KY Jelly.

[wombat2u2004]

　
　
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
　
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
　
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
　
Sermon complete, he sat down..
　
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

[CatsMeow]

how you know when love fades?

A man was sitting on the sofa watching tv when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "what would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

he said, "thank you; i'll have chicken."

she said "---- you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

ahahahahaha har har ahahaa

[wombat2u2004]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

" Well, I guess I just panicked "

[lvpets2002]

Too Funny Good One

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

" Well, I guess I just panicked "

[Catty1]

A new supermarket opened here recently.

It has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows moo and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks.

In the sea-food area the scent of salt water and the sound of waves lapping a...t the shore and sea gulls calling over-head.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked read & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.