Learn From My Fail - LFMF

[Catty1]

Always check your shoes before putting them on. Sometimes your cat has been lavishly sick in one of them. #LFMF
Submitted by: divamentalis via Submit Page

Spell check does NOT catch the missing ‘r’ when you email your wife that "I spent the day under the car with a greasy wench." #LFMF
Submitted by: T.Rob via Submit Page

When you have a curious 6 year old girl in the house, do NOT leave your razor out in the open, otherwise you will find her three hours later with both eyebrows shaved off and school pictures the next day. #LFMF

Submitted by: Eyebrows grow back… right? via Submit Page

NEVER assume your kittens’ paws are wet because they scratch in the water bowl. ALWAYS assume your kittens’ paws are wet because they walked through urine. #LFMF Submitted by: litterboxtrainer via Submit Page

[Catty1]

Just because an unexplained pain "feels a little better" does not mean you can leave the Emergency Room. If it was bad enough to bring you there, it’s bad enough to be your appendix exploding. #LFMF
Submitted by: Almost Died via Submit Page

Fetus shaped cookies are not an appropriate treat to bring to a baby shower. No matter how twisted you and the mom-to-be are, it doesn’t mean her family is. #LFMF
Submitted by: Baby Nommer via Submit Page

When flipping the bird and shrieking at a driver 2 blocks from your workplace, make sure you know EXACTLY what kind of car the new VP drives. #LFMF
Submitted by: Does Not Meet via Submit Page

When referring to your boss as the "Spawn of Satan" in an email to a friend, make sure to delete it from the history and close your email program before going to lunch. Sometimes the Spawn likes to sit at your desk while planning the taking of your soul. #LFMF
Submitted by: Iamsodoomed via Submit Page

[Catty1]

It doesn’t take much to break the plastic closure on the back of a bikini top, especially at the waterslides. #LFMF
Submitted by: notdoingthatagain via Submit Page

When upgrading your phone and selling you previous iPhone to your mum, remember to delete all your ‘adult’ bookmarks from the browser. #LFMF
Submitted by: SheffordLad via Submit Page

A Dremel is not an acceptable means of tattoo removal. #LFMF
Submitted by: tattooed and scarred via Submit Page

[Catty1]

more

Never assume the small rodent shivering on your store’s windowsill is a hamster, no matter how much it looks like one, or the fact that PetSmart is right next door. Bats are VERY good at completely hiding their wings beneath them, and don’t care so much for being scooped into boxes. #LFMF
Submitted by: I Touched a Bat via Submit Page

When packing a backpack for a short trip, be careful how you store your electric toothbrush. It could go off while you and everyone else on the bus is sleeping. While you’re trying to fish it out and turn it off, no one will believe that sound is coming from a toothbrush. This is especially embarassing in a foreign country. #LFMF
Submitted by: Buzz via Submit Page

[Catty1]

Oh noes......!!!!

If you husband was born and raised in Manhattan and you now live in the south, never leave him alone cleaning out unwanted vegetation in the yard unless you have taught him what poison oak looks like. As soon as he finishes pulling all those vines off the trees without gloves on, he will go in the house to take a leak without washing his hands first. #LFMF
Submitted by: No love for 6 weeks via Submit Page

Gentlemen, never play with your new puppy without a shirt on…to a puppy, a nipple’s a nipple, no matter the gender or species. #LFMF
Submitted by: One Headlight via Submit Page

If your girlfriend asks you what your relationship goals are, don’t reply with "two girls and a boy." You may be talking about children, but she will assume you meant a threesome and cry. #LFMF
Submitted by: SleepingOnTheCouch via Submit Page

When being in a foreign country don’t randomly yell insults in your own language at people assuming they cannot understand you. #LFMF
Submitted by: DrunkVacation via Submit Page

Take your dentist’s advice and go home after a wisdom tooth extraction. Do not go back to the office. You WILL email your customers and they WILL NOT like what you have to say. #LFMF
Submitted by: Happy In Vicodinland via Submit Page

Never assume the small rodent shivering on your store’s windowsill is a hamster, no matter how much it looks like one, or the fact that PetSmart is right next door. Bats are VERY good at completely hiding their wings beneath them, and don’t care so much for being scooped into boxes. #LFMF
Submitted by: I Touched a Bat via Submit Page

[Catty1]

lol

If someone calls your office and asks to speak with Dick, don’t say "do you know his last name? There are a lot of dicks who work here," at least not when your boss is within hearing range and has a mouth full of coffee. #LFMF
Submitted by: Julie via Submit Page

When the TSA agent at the airport asks if you are a US Citizen, do not reply,"What happens if I say I’m not?". They will show you, very clearly. #LFMF
Submitted by: Little Room via Submit Page

If that fancy new cheese you bought seems unnaturally chewy, check to see if the waxed paper backing is still on it. #LFMF
Submitted by: Bill E Goat via Submit Page

When your husband (Ex now)says he likes your thongs, make sure he means on you. Because when you walk in and see him trying them on, you’ll never wear them again. #LFMF
Submitted by: Traumatized via Submit Page