Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to
a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with
a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at
your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application For
Contact which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please
note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue
your employee a PIN number which he/she must quote
in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it
on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*)
BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I
am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I
am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password
to access my computer is required.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for
English. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a
happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old
woman)
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE 'US SENIORS' !!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They
don't like being old in the first place, so it
doesn't take much to set them off!!
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