Dear C,

You are such a flippin narcissist! Give it up already! Easter was a pleasure without you because we didn't have to watch what we said or provide continuous boosts to your ego. Please stop being such an (expletive) and go to counseling already. You are going to have to find someone else to give you "strokes" because my family and I are not going to do it even one more day.

Oh, and when the college bills are due, you darn well better pay up, bub. If I find out that you've already spent that money...

Angrily,
elyse

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Dear Woodpecker,
Thank you for choosing the tree right by the window so we could see you clearly! God, thank you for sending a red-headed woodpecker for us to enjoy watching yesterday on a beautiful spring day. Woodpecker, please visit again any time (especially now that we saw the program on Discovery that shows how your head is protected while you are tapping away).

Dear God, I really don't want to take another job that I'm overqualified for. The Joint Commission has a master's level position open and so does University Health System Consortium. Please show me open doors.