Our PT joke thread

[cassiesmom]

My pastor told this joke this morning as part of the opening to his sermon on how Easter changes one's life...

A family from a very rural area are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father and son are in the hotel lobby, when they notice the gleaming bank of elevators.

"What's that, Pop?" the boy asks.

"I've never seen anything like that in my life," answers the father.

Seconds later an old, frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a gorgeous, smartly dressed young woman.

The father looks at his son and says, "Son, go get your mom!"

[wombat2u2004]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me.
" She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.
Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
" St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued,
"Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

[cassiesmom]

Q. How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
A. EGG-cercise!

[wombat2u2004]

Q. How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
A. EGG-cercise!

Oh ha ha

[wombat2u2004]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

*** And the WINNER is... ***

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition....£200 or best offer.
No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows everything!

[cassiesmom]

A Western business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in hospital. "Li kai yang qi guan," says the ill man feebly. The Westerner desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. "Li kai yang qi guan!" says the patient, as he draws his last breath.

Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: "Get off my oxygen tube."


(source: Reader's Digest article, "The World's Funniest Jokes")

[RICHARD]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'O...h,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.

'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President OBamas clock?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan"


Badump!

[wombat2u2004]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

[wombat2u2004]

An Israeli doctor says:

'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says:

'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says:

'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor from Texas , not to be outdone, says:

'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[lvpets2002]

Picking on Texas again are you?? I am still laughing my butttt off.. What would we do without little Bushy Bush people??

An Israeli doctor says:

'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says:

'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says:

'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American doctor from Texas , not to be outdone, says:

'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out five pounds and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked...
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money... Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Pawsitive Thinking]

The following are supposed, "actual" responses to paternity determination questions for Detroit child welfare services.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... Well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.