Our PT joke thread

[wombat2u2004]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million... Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.

[cassiesmom]

Read all the way to the bottom ...

BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE - THE INVISIBLE KILLER!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.

What are the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide?

Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and
possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Facts

Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the Greenhouse Effect.
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Alerts

Contamination is reaching epidemic proportions!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Uses

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

.as an industrial solvent and coolant.
.in nuclear power plants.
.in the production of styrofoam.
.as a fire retardant.
.in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical.
.as an additive in certain junk-foods and other food products.

Stop the horror - Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

Some of the products and places where DHMO is used, but which for one reason or another, are not normally made part of public presentations on the dangers to the lives of our family members and friends. Among these startling uses are:

-as an additive to food products, including jarred baby food and baby formula, and even in many soups, carbonated beverages and supposedly "all-natural" fruit juices
-in cough medicines and other liquid pharmaceuticals,
-in spray-on oven cleaners,
-in shampoos, shaving creams, deodorants and numerous other bathroom products,
-in bathtub bubble products marketed to children,
-as a preservative in grocery store fresh produce sections,
-in the production of beer by all the major beer distributors,
-in the coffee available at major coffee houses in the US and abroad,
-in Formula One race cars, although its use is regulated by the Formula One Racing Commission, and
-as a target of ongoing NASA planetary and stellar research.

APRIL FOOL! WHAT IS DHMO? You know it better as H2O = water!!!
Gotcha!! Describing water as dihydrogen monoxide is correct according to chemical nomenclature, but almost never done.

Check out this utterly serious Web site ...
http://www.dhmo.org/

[wombat2u2004]

Thankyou Elyse.....I really needed that this morning....hee hee

[cassiesmom]

My pastor told this joke this morning as part of the opening to his sermon on how Easter changes one's life...

A family from a very rural area are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father and son are in the hotel lobby, when they notice the gleaming bank of elevators.

"What's that, Pop?" the boy asks.

"I've never seen anything like that in my life," answers the father.

Seconds later an old, frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cane, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a gorgeous, smartly dressed young woman.

The father looks at his son and says, "Son, go get your mom!"

[wombat2u2004]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me.
" She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.
Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
" St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued,
"Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

[cassiesmom]

Q. How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
A. EGG-cercise!

[wombat2u2004]

Q. How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
A. EGG-cercise!

Oh ha ha

[RICHARD]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'O...h,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.

'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President OBamas clock?' asked the man.

'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan"


Badump!

[wombat2u2004]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Giving Up Wine


I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out five pounds and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked...
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money... Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'