Our PT joke thread

[wombat2u2004]

Hee hee.
At my age, all I ever look forward to, is cutting the grass

[wombat2u2004]

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Grace]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,
threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and
gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, watcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy
bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have
any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison
dissolve. Then a wise-ass like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

[lizbud]

>
> A little evening humor...
>
> Sitting together on a train was Obama,
> George Bush Jr., a little
> old lady, and a young blonde girl with large
> boobs.
>
>
> The train goes into a dark tunnel and a
> few seconds later there
> is the sound of a loud slap. When
> the train emerges from the tunnel,
> Bush has a bright red hand print on his
> cheek.
>
> No one speaks.
>
>
> The old lady thinks: Bush must
> have groped the blonde in the
> dark, and she slapped him.
>
>
> The blonde girl thinks:
> Bush must have tried to grope me in
> the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
> slapped him..
>
>
>
> Bush thinks: Obama must
> have groped the blonde in the dark.
> She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
>
>
>
>
> Obama thinks: I can't
> wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
> Bush again.
>
>

[lizbud]

Warning.......... Sexist Joke Coming. (very funny)


Don't send a man to the grocery store.


http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-YFRUSTiFUs#t=65

[Catty1]

I've heard her before! She's GREAT!

[Grace]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the young lady waiting in line became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, " How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'"

The Texan smiled and drawled, " Well, ma'am, normally, I would agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[cassiesmom]

Q: Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark?
A: Because Noah was sitting on the deck ...

(rim shot)

[cassiesmom]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.”

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

[wombat2u2004]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration...

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[wombat2u2004]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.


After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.



A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."



The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"