My Dear Husband,

This is hard for me to write. I miss you so much, it's beyond painful. I live from day to day and the anguish becomes less, but I don't stop missing you for a minute. I'm trying not to be mad at you, but how could you take your own life? You were cautious, you ate right, took care of yourself. HOW could you do this to the man I loved and will always love? What a waste of a great musical talent, UNBELIEVABLE! How could you do this to everyone who loved and cared about you? And how could you do this to me? I'm here, in the house. Sometimes I think you're with me, or I hope you are. I often have dreams where you're still alive. That's hard to say. Do you watch over the people you love? Are you sometimes watching over me and the cats? They are a great comfort to me. Are our departed cats with you, and your parents, my dad, and our friends whom we've lost? I think maybe Dad watches over me sometimes, but I think he'd mostly be with Mom. Tell Dad I miss him and love him, too, if that is possible. If I didn't believe you might be around at least sometimes, I don't know how I would go on. Do you hear me when I want to joke with you? And how is it that I've become a widow, how can that be? If only you could come home and it would all be untrue. I want to change it, I want to smash that reality; maybe I'm still in denial. It's strange, but I think in some ways, maybe I'm finding myself, or on the way to it. Anything I may have gained in losing you, I'd relinquish in an instant to have you back. I guess that's something I shouldn't think about. I beg you to please know and remember that I've always loved you and will love you forever.