Our PT joke thread

[blue]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "Whets your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the r obot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "Whets your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?

[RICHARD]

Three New Navy Ships
USS REAGAN



Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective.. ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster:

Shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling.

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet.

Size
1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3. 8,150 meals served daily;
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).



USS BILL CLINTON
The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC.



The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military budget cuts and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President."
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tom Cat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board..


This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.
An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .



USS BARACK OBAMA




Defense: "water pistols"

[Catty1]

The Invisible Man married The Invisible Woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

[cassiesmom]

in honor of Thanksgiving...

a dumb blonde preparing to host her first Thanksgiving calls the turkey hotline for some guidance.

"Turkey hotline, may I help you?"

The blonde asks, "Can you tell me how long it should take to roast a 14-pound turkey?"

"Just a minute," the hotline operator says, flipping through her reference guide to the appropriate page.

"Great! Thanks!" answers the blonde, and hangs up the phone.

[kokopup]

Go Git-Cha Momma

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator ) responded, "Son, I dunno. I

ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order . Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year -old blonde woman stepped out.

The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Boy.........go git cha Momma..............."

[RICHARD]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[momcat]

What's stuffed with cheese, covered in sauce, and only comes out during a full moon?

Wolfmanicotti.

[RICHARD]

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over
to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened
the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of
my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't
believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the
approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men,
which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of
course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns
and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up
behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he
was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Helloooooo, Those are my emergency flashers!'

[lizbud]

Hey , where is the photo that goes with the joke? I,ve seen it before.
very funny.

[lizbud]

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.


He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

“Pick me up..”

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

“Pick me up..”

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous
because I will be your bride!”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked
it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

“Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.”


****With age comes wisdom *****