I'm Torn...His family or Mine?

[sparks19]

this is a tough situation.

Being in between two families is really tough... I am in the same boat as you a lot of the time. My dad always makes flippant comments about how I spend all my time with Brians family instead of with MY family. and it really irritates me. I don't spend more time one place than the other. for crying out loud I just spent 5 WEEKS up in canada with my family and one week with Brians parents and then one more week with them in december. hardly equal time.

Anyway... I would be hesitant to spend my weekend with someone who just makes me feel bad about myself. If you are feeling like you should go because of what everyone ELSE will think then I suggest you stick with your original plans. YOu will not have any fun and likely will jsut be made to feel more miserable if you aren't doing it because it's what you want to do. But if you REALLY feel like you should go I would call Rich's mom and talk to her honestly about it. Just tell her that you hate to break the plans becuase they were made first but that you really feel that this could be your last chance to see your grandfather but you still want to send a card or gift for the shower. I'm SURE she will understand. Just be honest with her about the whole situation. she might be a little bummed but I bet she will see your point of view

Good luck... this stuff is never easy

[lizbud]

THis decided it for me,

"I haven't seen Grandpa much this summer. I missed the family reunion this year because I was doing something with Rich's family. But every single time I do see him he puts me down and only has negative things to say about what I look like or what I'm eating."

Sounds like a real downer for me. You could send a card or flowers instead.
I'd vote for the baby/bridal shower.

[happylabs]

THis decided it for me,

"I haven't seen Grandpa much this summer. I missed the family reunion this year because I was doing something with Rich's family. But every single time I do see him he puts me down and only has negative things to say about what I look like or what I'm eating."

Sounds like a real downer for me. You could send a card or flowers instead.
I'd vote for the baby/bridal shower.

Somehow I missed the part about him making negative comments but I still say go to his party anyway. My father is 86 years old. He is a very negative person. He is always putting my mom down and they have been married for over 60 years. I seriously do not think he realizes what he is doing. They are from the OLD generation which, thank God, I am not! I would never stayed with my father if I were my mom. Anyway, that being said, I would go to the Grandpa's birthday party. Like someone else said, if he doesn't get to have another birthday you will probably regret it for a long time.

[Daisy and Delilah]

This is very very tough!!

I think I would go to your Grandfather's party if I were you. For obvious reasons and what others have said.

Some people are just more vocal in their opinions than others. Sometimes it's easier for people to speak out loud about what they're thinking rather than holding it in. Also, some people seem to find fault with many things, whether they need to or not. I wouldn't relish the thought of someone putting me down either but I think you might regret it if something happens and you didn't go.

I think your BF's family will understand. Best wishes to you in this. I wouldn't want to be in your position.

[kitten645]

My original thought was to go with your first commitment. However, you need to think about how you'll feel afterwards. I think you might regret not seeing your Grandpa especially since he's getting on. You might want to consider his age when he puts you down and let it slide. Family is important. How would you feel if you didn't see him again? Would the criticizim be too hurtful for you?
I think Rich's mom would understand your not going with her since it is YOUR family. However, if you are going to feel bad/negative being around your family, go to the shower. Life is too short.
Claudia

PS, I learned very early on to have a calendar in you purse at ALL times and write it down!

[sparks19]

the only thing I have to disagree on here.....

people keep saying it is "YOUR family and HIS family" but when you are in a committed relationship and I don't know how serious you two really are... but his family becomes YOUR family and YOUR family becomes his family. it kind of melds together. which is why it makes me so MAD when my dad says things like "you don't spend enough tiem with YOUR family... just his family" which not only is it not totally untrue that I only spend time with one side or the other... but ALSO THEY are MY family now too. there is no MY family and HIS family. they are ALL OUR family.

just something I thought should be pointed out depending on your point of view

[K9karen]

Yes, blood is thicker than water. But you already committed to the shower 2x. I think, though, if your relationship with granddad was happier and closer, and if you knew this may be his last birthday, I'd beg off the shower, hoping R's mom would understand, even though the invite came after your promise.
Personally, if a relative criticized me and I'd be on edge and uncomfortable, I wouldn't step a foot through the door. I don't care if someone means well, whatever, it's plain nasty.

[anna_66]

I say do what makes you happy. Life's too short not too.
I'm sorry, I don't agree with just because your blood you should go to his party...especially if he's always putting you down. Sounds like his party would be a downer and I'd think if he treats you that way he more than likely wouldn't miss you being there. A card would be just fine in my opinion.

Good luck on whatever you choose to do

[Catherinedana]

I say do what makes you happy. Life's too short not too. I'm sorry, I don't agree with just because your blood you should go to his party...especially if he's always putting you down. Sounds like his party would be a downer and I'd think if he treats you that way he more than likely wouldn't miss you being there. A card would be just fine in my opinion.

Good luck on whatever you choose to do

This is the best advice that you have gotten. I have decided to live my life in this manner: I do not do things because I feel guilty or obligated to do so. I do them because I do these things willingly and with love. That goes, especially, for my family. Just because someone is a family member it does not give them the right to treat you badly because, oh well, you love them anyway. Doesn't work like that.

If Gramps is a meanie and hurts you, then you have no obligation to him. If you enjoy time with your future mom-in-law then go with her and be joyful. You can call Gramps and wish him happy birthday and/or make time to see him seperately. You do not have to adjust your entire life to someone elses schedule. Blood is only thicker than water when it is full of love and mutual respect.

Sorry to sound severe, but it has been a lesson learned the hard way for me and I'm passing along my knowledge as I would to a daughter.

Stay strong!
Cathy