I'm trying to be a good wife....

[catnapper]

I guess you are right.... but its HARD! I have been 100% supportive. Believe me. But there's a difference between support and enabling. He has driven his head so far into a hole in the ground that he can't see the light. We nearly lost our house last month. I borrowed from my 402k to get caught up. His sister pays ALL our bills except the house and car loan. The kids pay the phone bill. He simply hides in the house all day and I swear he's going after the wrong jobs on purpose. I swear he just wants to sit at home and hide from the world. I truly understand how he's feeling but I also know its not healthy, that there IS something out there that will be fulfilling. I found it for myself two years ago.

[Twisterdog]

I guess you are right.... but its HARD! I have been 100% supportive. Believe me. But there's a difference between support and enabling. He has driven his head so far into a hole in the ground that he can't see the light. We nearly lost our house last month. I borrowed from my 402k to get caught up. His sister pays ALL our bills except the house and car loan. The kids pay the phone bill. He simply hides in the house all day and I swear he's going after the wrong jobs on purpose. I swear he just wants to sit at home and hide from the world. I truly understand how he's feeling but I also know its not healthy, that there IS something out there that will be fulfilling. I found it for myself two years ago.

That sounds to me like he might be seriously, clinically depressed. And that becomes somewhat of a vicious cylce ... depressed because he can't find a job he wants, then can't get a job because he's too depressed to function.

[Medusa]

I guess you are right.... but its HARD! I have been 100% supportive. Believe me. But there's a difference between support and enabling. He has driven his head so far into a hole in the ground that he can't see the light. We nearly lost our house last month. I borrowed from my 402k to get caught up. His sister pays ALL our bills except the house and car loan. The kids pay the phone bill. He simply hides in the house all day and I swear he's going after the wrong jobs on purpose. I swear he just wants to sit at home and hide from the world. I truly understand how he's feeling but I also know its not healthy, that there IS something out there that will be fulfilling. I found it for myself two years ago.

As I mentioned previously, years ago when I was still married, my husband and I lost our business. Afterwards, my daily routine was to get my son up for school and get him taken care of and my husband temporarily went to work for someone else. After my son was gone for the day, I stayed in my pajamas and watched TV in the dark. I'd get going before my son came home from school and my husband came home from work so they never knew what I had been doing all day, which was nothing, just hiding from the world. You may find this hard to believe but at the time, I didn't realize that I was depressed. It wasn't until perhaps a decade later that, upon reflection, I realized what had been going on. At the time it was happening, I think I may have felt that I was taking a much needed rest for both my body and my mind, although at that time I didn't even have that rationale.

Your situation is a bit different because you are actually able to see what your husband is doing. One day, though, I just had had enough of doing nothing and I snapped out of it on my own. Perhaps your husband will do the same. I'm so sorry that this is happening and maybe my experience didn't bring you any comfort as I had hoped it would but I just want you to realize that your husband may make the same decision that I made, that it's enough already and he'll get back to living.

[Catherinedana]

Sounds like maybe you can't wait for him to snap out of it on his own. Sometimes you have to offer someone an ultimatum to get them thinking and then acting. You can't live off of his sister and you certainly can't keep going deeper into debt. Perhaps he should seek counseling "or else"? The or else needs to come from you - what are you strong enough to do for yourself and your family?

I've been there too, with my 1st husband. He chose "or else" . . .it was the best thing that ever happened to me!

Sending love,
Cathy

[CathyBogart]

What about looking into getting him on disability for his PTSD? At least that would be some income - an improvement over nothing, even if it doesn't get him off his duff.

[catnapper]

I couldn't really reply earlier because he was reading over my shoulder all the time lately. Not that he doesn't trust me.... its just that I have gotten into the habit of sharing everythign I read, so rather than waiting for me to say, "hon, look at this!" He simply looks before I mention anything. Its ok when I'm reading emails and such, but annoying when I'm playing online games like Tetris! I mess up because he says "why did you put that there?" and have to start all over!

Anyhow, I know he's seriously depressed. He's seeing a therapist and he's done wonders. But that only goes so far. He's on meds for depression. He's doing everything he can to get his mind off of feeling sorry for himself. My kitchen is a shambles because he started to rennovate it.... then realized rennovations cost money. So the kitchen is stripped down to naked walls, pine floorboards, and half torn apart. It makes him depressed just to see how icky it looks, and know he can't fix anything about its look until we get several sheets of drywall and such.

His sister is paying so many of our bills. I wish she would just move in with us, so she doesn't have to pay rent. At least she could look at the money she's giving us as rent. You know what I mean? I KNOW that some day, she'll throw the money thing in our faces. I know it. He knows it too. But he is accepting her help because he has no alternative. I think that she pays so many bills is making him depressed too.

There are so many pieces to this situation. I myself am depressed... I have been stress eating like mad. I gained so much weight back. I'm back into the larger XLs. I'm kicking myself for giving away all my larger clothes! But I guess its forcing me to look at my stress eating and get it under control before I have to beg my sister in law to give me her outgrown 1X clothes!