There's no decent men left

**Cataholic** · 11-14-2002, 09:57 PM

I laughed, a little, when I read this thred. I am WAY older than Lalania, 37- in three weeks, and still single. I seem to be the character that T & P's mom was writing about. I have dating stories that would make you laugh..once you got over feeling bad for me (which I have done a long time ago). Shoot, the last 'man' I dated stiffed me $250 for two pair of shoes that I was KIND enough to buy for him while he was too busy doing goodness knows what to shop!!!! I figure God has a better 'plan' for him, as I know he surely must for me. It must have been God's way of saying, "THIS is what a loser looks like, don't date men like him". I probably got off cheap, with the $250...

Then, I figure, like Lalania said, "there aren't any nice guys"..and I do feel that to an extent. That has been my experience. So, I hang out with my friends, family and the herd, and must admit, I am pretty happy about it. I get to do whatever I want whenever I want to, and I get to think of myself first...not really in a selfish way. I think if it is in the plan to find someone (not necessarily to marry), it will happen.

As to the pets, and finding someone to date..I made the horrid mistake 10 years ago of placing my himmie in a loving home because of a man. To this day, I feel guilty. I would never do it again, and anyone that can't deal with my cats and love of animals, can't deal with me.

Hang in there Lalania...really, you have no other choice. Focus on you, it is an investment that will always pay off!!!!

**Logan** · 11-14-2002, 10:01 PM

I've been reading this thread, with interest, but haven't added any thoughts until now.

I have been married before, so my situation is a bit different. I have a daughter, and we have been "single" for almost 10 years. But I'm here to tell you that sometime, when you least expect it, "Mr. Right" will come marching in, when you're not even looking! I wasn't looking, was very content, with my child, my work, our church activities, friends, etc. Then, all of the sudden, there he was. And I knew very quickly that this one was "a keeper". And keep him, I will!!! In five weeks and one day, I'll change my name. I've already moved my brood to a new home, big enough for everyone.

Hang in there, and become at peace with yourself. A little down time, concentrating on you might be exactly what you need right now.

Logan

**Chinadoll** · 11-14-2002, 10:19 PM

Originally posted by Soledad
Chinadoll- As a family member to many a servicemen/cop I can tell you that it's more than the lifestyle that has to be adapted to. There are severe emotional issues as well, and as a result servicemen/cops have phenomenal rates of domestic abuse. Now I love my aforementioned family members, but it was not a lifestyle or risk I was willing to take. I've seen many a nice guy ruined/hardened by that life, and I didn't want to be involved in it again. So, others, be warned.

Also "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" is actually a quote from Gloria Steinhem.

Half of my family was in some sort of military service at one time or another. Yes, it is hard to be the wife of a cop/military man...but I'm wasn't talking about domestic abuse....I was more speaking of dealing with the fact that they put themselves at risk everyday. I don't believe that just because a man is exposed to the life and experiences that being in the miltary/police force provides that he has a greater chance of domestic abuse...I believe there are a great number of factors that lead to man becoming abusive...one of which that I believe is the main factor is the environment they grew up in...not that that is an excuse for any kind of behaviour....but it is a factor.

I guess we're both a bit biased. I know many cops, Marines, and other military men that are all great guys...some wonderful family men that have been married for years. I'm sorry your experiences led you to feel that you want to avoid being involved with any type serviceman/cop. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm trivializing your experience, I'm sure you have valid reasons to feel the way you do. But I'd hate for anyone to avoid a potentially wonderful relationship with a man in the military/police force just because they assume that that type of life leads to men with greater chance of domestic abuse. I'd just hope that people would judge the man first and not the profession.

I have strong feeling about this because I'm practically engaged to a man that is a Marine and a cop. You see cases on the news about domestic abuse that never would have made the news except for the fact that it was a military man. I feel that that leads to poeple tend to generalizing that military are all hardcore, abusive nutcases. They are not all like that. No case of domestic abuse is right...any man that chooses to do that is a coward and weak in my book. I hope no one thinks I'm sounding pompous..I'm just blabbering on inadequately trying to express what I feel. Sometimes there just aren't the right words.

**Soledad** · 11-15-2002, 02:23 AM

Chinadoll -

There are, of course, always exceptions. I don't think that someone should drop someone they love BECAUSE they're a serviceman/cop...but that they should be fully prepared to deal with the ramifications of a spouse in that profession.

Statistically, you will find that servicemen/cops have much higher chances of becoming domestic abusers than the general population. That does not mean that they're all psycho, wife-beating losers. Just that it's a high stress position to be in. They are also professions that tend to attract men who feel the need to be in power/control who need to assert their authority. But they also attract good people who feel the need to uphold society's standards and maintain the peace. It's just something to be aware of, as it can go two ways, and the first one terrifies me.

I am also aware that while men are away on leave, they often act in ways that are in contrast to their normal personalities that their friends and family know and love. I am not prepared to have my spouse be gone for months or years in far off lands, and under conditions that may alter his judgment. Just not a risk I'd be willing to take.

Luckily, I have a nice 9-5 husband that I don't have to deal with this issue first hand.

**Nomilynn** · 11-15-2002, 02:37 AM

Originally posted by Soledad

Statistically, you will find that servicemen/cops have much higher chances of becoming domestic abusers than the general population.

Keeping in mind, of course, that stats aren't always accurate because they come out of cases that are reported, and, like it has been said, a cop that is abusive will get put on the news because of his profession before the average wife beating slime.

My boyfriend's best friend is an RCMP officer. At first it really went to his head, and he copped (no pun intended) a really bad attitude. Then his friends talked to him about it, and he's now his same old self again. He was born to be a police officer - he's so good at what he does and he broke some records in the training camp. I do think it's important to base decisions on the person, not the job.

**Soledad** · 11-15-2002, 03:19 AM

Well, statistics are not perfect, but that does not mean that you can negate their findings entirely. It would be impossible to get an absolutely accurate statistic, but that doesn't mean what they do say (when taken from a reliable source) cannot provide us with some truth.

I would like to say that the servicemen/cop statistic is in all likelihood much higher than the one reported, because people are reluctant to report an officer to another officer, etc.

It makes the news because these are people who are supposed to protect us, not abuse us.

**Nomilynn** · 11-15-2002, 03:21 AM

Originally posted by Soledad
I would like to say that the servicemen/cop statistic is in all likelihood much higher than the one reported, because people are reluctant to report an officer to another officer, etc.

Sadly I think they are all higher, that's kind of what I was getting at. But I also don't think it's fair to assume that a policeman will beat his wife just because he's a policeman.. I'm just suggesting that the stats might not be an accurate account of what really goes on

**LoudLou** · 11-15-2002, 04:05 AM

Originally posted by Logan
.........But I'm here to tell you that sometime, when you least expect it, "Mr. Right" will come marching in, when you're not even looking!

Hang in there, and become at peace with yourself. A little down time, concentrating on you might be exactly what you need right now.

Logan

Logan is SO right on this one. I wasn't looking for anyone when I met my husband.... He was my neighbor in our apt. complex and I COULD NOT stand him. His music was too loud, I always thought he was just this LOUD bachelor reliving his teenage years nextdoor to me.... He annoyed me.... ok, he still does sometimes.

To make a long story short Mocha Bean (my cat) ran away. Kit had a cat so I asked if he'd seen mine. When Mocha came home 3 days later, I felt obligated to tell him my cat was back because he seemed so concerned....... That was 6 years ago on Halloween. 6 wonderful years. ... And Mocha is now "Daddy's Little Princess" who can do NO wrong in her Daddy's eyes.

**Soledad** · 11-15-2002, 05:09 AM

Nomilynn - I think you misunderstand what I'm saying. I do not believe that all policemen are wife-beaters. Or that someone reverts to wife-beating simply by virtue of their profession. I'm saying that it's a profession that is known for having a statistically high number of domestic abuse issues (and that this is because of a number of variables). Now, statistics will never be 100% (as my husband, a statistician) but they are something to go on and reliable to a degree.

**Logan** · 11-15-2002, 10:27 AM

Originally posted by LoudLou

Logan is SO right on this one. I wasn't looking for anyone when I met my husband.... He was my neighbor in our apt. complex and I COULD NOT stand him. His music was too loud, I always thought he was just this LOUD bachelor reliving his teenage years nextdoor to me.... He annoyed me.... ok, he still does sometimes.

To make a long story short Mocha Bean (my cat) ran away. Kit had a cat so I asked if he'd seen mine. When Mocha came home 3 days later, I felt obligated to tell him my cat was back because he seemed so concerned....... That was 6 years ago on Halloween. 6 wonderful years. ... And Mocha is now "Daddy's Little Princess" who can do NO wrong in her Daddy's eyes.

See? LOL!!! Hey, LoudLou, it is nice to see you back too!!!!

**Cincy'sMom** · 11-15-2002, 05:53 PM

I was fortunate to meet Ralph when I was 18, but it took me til I was almost 22 to realize what I was overlooking.

I can think of three examples off the top of my head that are later in life realtionships. First, i girl I work with is getting married for the first time this May...she is 35. Second, a good friend of mine has been divorced for 15 years. She swore up and down she would NEVER do it again. Last October she ran into a old college buddy, someone she hadn't seen in 20 years, who was more recently divorced. Within two months they were talking amrriage. Although no date has been set, he just moved into the house they purchased together this past weekend (she will move in when she sells her house and wedding plans are made.
Finally, a little over a year ago, my best freind's grandfather died. Her grandmother was at her wedding ( me freind's) a few weeks ago, with her new husband. They were like teenagers!!! After knowing them since I was in grade school, it was weird to see her with someone else, but great to see an older couple find such happiness.

**COCatMama** · 11-16-2002, 01:40 PM

A little spare tire doesn't offend me, but i need to be with a guy who is in similar shape as myself, and not about to drop dead going up a flight of stairs.

I am not the 'thinnest' person either, but would like to lose 10 lbs and have done so before. But you are right, it's what's on the INSIDE that counts! I once dated a guy that was into lifting weights and stuff, he was pretty but dumber than a bag of bricks! LOL. I almost drowned right in front of him, and was screaming all sorts of obscenities and it took him waaaaay too long to figure out what was going on. LoLoL the irony was funny too, I just broken up with my ex who was a certified lifeguard. I think the universe was trying to tell me something.
LoLoLOl. I think the MOST important thing is mutual attraction, without it it ain't gonna happen.

**Soledad** · 11-16-2002, 04:05 PM

Yeah, there does have to be some sort of attraction for something to happen. Sometimes it comes later than sooner, though. But still, I'm a big believer in the idea that there has to be some magic and butterfly feelings at the get go.

But that doesn't mean they need to be built like Brad Pitt for that to happen.

**mugsy** · 11-16-2002, 08:48 PM

I'm here to tell you that MOST military men are not abusers. I'm married to an Army vet and Mike would rather commit a crime than to hit me. In fact, he's more likely to beat the living hell out of a man who abuses a woman. I believe cops are the same way. Yes, there are a few bad seeds out there that give the rest a bad name, but they are in the definite minority. I would NOT have married Mike though if he had still been in the military simply because I don't want my husband away from me for months at a time. My sister is married to a former Marine and she has lived the vast majority of her life that way. Her husband would go out on floats for months at a time and she would be home raising their 2 boys by herself...not a life that I would ever choose. I have the utmost respect for our military personel because they put their lives on the line for the rest of us so we can sit here and post on Pet Talk and say whatever we feel without fear of retribution.

Lalania, you will find the perfect fit sometime, and until then, HAVE FUN! I know I did. I enjoyed my single days with no commitments, and I thoroughly enjoy my married life now. I think I do enjoy it so much because I got my party days out of my system and was ready to settle down. Before I was married, going to bars/clubs meant dancing, laughing, checking out the scenery. Now, all I think about is...do I really want to go and smell like a smoke stack when I leave! lol How times change! You'll have a great time!

**Soledad** · 11-16-2002, 09:00 PM

Of course most servicemen/cops are great people who do not abuse others, but even in the best of situations there is a lifestyle attributed to it that needs to truly be considered, abuse statistics aside.

However, I don't think the military is responsible for me being able to say what I want on PetTalk. That would be Karen and Paul's doing. There are lots of countries (such as NZ, where I am now) that have freedom of speech, it would be good to remember that.