Four years ago at Thanksgiving was when Rob and I began some sort of major conflict. He came home and everything I did was wrong and he kept yelling at me until I kicked him out. It is still very hard getting past all that happened knowing that it led up to his death someway. The Thanksgiving after he died was difficult and I can remember trying to do the crazy day after Christmas shopping by myself because no one wanted to go with me (it was kind of a mom and at least one kid thing to get up at the crazy hour of 5 or 6 and go get a bargain or two and then come home and go back to bed). I got into one of the stores and the crowds and I feel apart and wanted to just sit down behind some display and just zone out.

One of my best friends lost her brother when he was 26 between Christmas and New years - her parents couldn't move past losing him and didn't have a tree or celebrate Christmas or any holiday like they did in the past. It made my friend feel like she and her sister meant nothing - that her brother meant more than them and their children. So I knew I couldn't be like them and have tried hard not to be. I think we still celebrate in pretty much the same way although sometimes it takes all that is in me to decorate and even more so when we go to my mom's for Christmas Dinner and of course Rob isn't there. I usually have to take some time though to go to my room by myself and let the tears flow and then I can go out again and take part. There is no easy way to get through the holidays - like others said you just have to force yourself to do it. If you get on the internet, there are sites that give you suggestions on how to handle grief during the holidays. Just search under grieving during the holidays. Some ideas are good, others don't fit me. While I am Christmas shopping sometimes I find the "perfect" gift for Rob. It's usually a Star Wars toy or book and if it is not too expensive I buy it. It makes me feel Rob is still a part of my life and I know he would laugh knowing I was still trying to find him something he liked.

Oh, the other thing I do each year is that Rob has his own Christmas tree. It's a little table top tree. Over the years, I made or bought the kids ornaments each year. So now I put a tree up with Rob's and somehow it makes me feel better - again knowing that he is still a part of my life and knowing he is grimacing knowing all the silly things I do that he always hated.