When family attacks/elder care and sibs rant.

[Pam]

Richard I am so sorry you are going through this. As if it isn't hard enough to see your mom failing in front of your eyes, you have to deal with these family members. I have pretty much carried the ball with my mother's situation. I only have one brother and he was busy tending to his wife who had cancer for several years before she passed and was happy for me to take over. I know that the problems you are going through are pretty common though. We can choose our friends but we can't choose our families.

[sasvermont]

Richard, I feel your pain. I have been responsible for my Mom for years. I won't go in to the details beyond the fact that I know it is stressful, at best.

My Mom is now in an assisted living situation and it is much easier on me and much better for her. I know that everyone thinks it's better to be at home, with "loved ones" when you are older, but that is not always the best arrangement. My Mom has great care now and is constantly around caretakers and other older ladies. When she was at home with me, I went to work each day, leaving her alone and then would struggle to take care of her needs in the evening.

I did get the local agency on aging involved with my Mom since if something happened to me, she would be on her own! The process was filled with copies of documents, and they must be updated each year. I am her advocate and no longer her caretaker...... I have the power to write checks out of her bank to pay for her care etc. There is not much left over after all her bills for care and medications, but that's all she needs at this point.

I know it may seem like this is never ending....I still feel this way from time to time. I didn't sign up for this, but that is the way life is sometimes.

You are not alone with this struggle if you get some help with her. There are a few agency in nearly every community. They see cases like yours and your Mom's, all the time.

I have an older sister who has her own struggles these days, and she wants absolutely nothing to do with my Mom. So it all rests on my shoulders.

The caretakers often comment about my Mom and how nice she is ..... and it makes me feel guilty about having her there. Deep down in my heart, I know she is safer and more socialized in the assisted living place.

Good luck. Chin up. Ask for help from the agencies, if you can.

Fondly,
SAS

[moosmom]

I feel your pain, big guy. I got stuck caring for my Dad who drank 24/7 and keeping a job as a paralegal. It's tough. I have one brother. I called him many times after he told me to call him if I needed anything. Those were only words and that's all he ever gave me were words. I did everything for my father for 2 1/2 years. I was as resentful of him as you are to your siblings, RICHARD. If you ever feel like talking, I'll email you with my cellphone. I've got a new plan where I can call anywhere, anytime and talk for as long as I want.

[RICHARD]

Thanks to you all, Please, please please do not hesitate to comment.

IT's nice to know that there are people who have fought the same battles. It is not a 'brotherhood' that there is any medals, ceremonies, plaque awarded or someone that will pat you on the back at the end and say, "Good Job, Bucky!"

I know that what ever happens, I can say that I did my best and have no regrets. My only problem was/is expecting my sibs to 'man up'.

My dad had a saying, "Yo conosco me gente" -"I know my people" and it rings so true at the moment.

I am doomed either way. It would not help to set up meetings with my brothers and sisters. They will not/do not care.

IF I were passing out checks or money? DIfferent story.

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The one thing that I have had with my mom is quality time, that is the reason that I am in better shape than I thought I was in.

When I lost my job-in Sept of 06-I took some time to reflect. I put aside all the frivolous things in my life and started to live! I knew that time with my mom was important and put that as one of the things that I wanted to do-not for any specific reason, but to enjoy and live for once.

Ma jokes that it was like being married. We fought, laughed, argued and made up. I'd go home after a fight to come back a few hours later, LOL, Ed would go to the door and scream to go to her house. Who am I do deny him a simple pleasure? She'd say. "Are you back?" and we'd laugh and carry on.

Again, I am not the perfect person and didn't look to endear myself to her for any special reason or gain. It wasn't a job or labor. It's just the way things are to me.

I have shared many good times and secrets with my mom. We'd talk for hours and I know things about my sibs that would make them mad-and I know the reasons why they act that way toward my mom.

One of the saddest things about all the time we spent together was her lament about "having two daughters who don't give a shiat".

What did she want from them? A visit? A phone call or dropping off a lunch without the attached, "Oh did you hear about" or "I need money!". Mom lamented the fact that they never lifted a finger or made any attempt to come over and do anything for her.

MY SIL asked me about why I had such animosity towards my sis and I was thinking back about all she has said and done.

My sis got private school until her last year of high school, her nursing school paid for, and my parents bought a house and let her and her hubby live rent free for years! When there were repairs needed, they called my parents to fix them and never offered to pick up the costs....I do blame my parents for that-sis was daddy's girl, and could do no wrong.

I got her a job at the hospital where I worked, she took a position at the emergency desk and later quit because there wasn't enough action there. She went back years later and ended up always pushing other people's wrong buttons.

And now that I have unloaded on you poor folks, I thought about why I do not have a good relationship with her.

Since high school my sis has always been at odds with people. She has always either been threatened, about to be jumped/assaulted or paranoid about something.

When she went back to work at the facility where I first got her a job, she would call me to find out if I knew certain people who worked there. She was having problems with them and had to get an escort to her car at night. She finally transferred to another facility where she at odds, again, with people that I knew. She'd call me to find out what she could about them and I finally told her that she should just plain quit.

Another point of contention was the facility where I worked. There were always rumors about the place closing, not being fit after the 94 earthquake and all kinds of other whisperings in the air. She'd call me and say, "I heard they were closing Panorama City!" I'd laugh at her and say that I would believe it when I saw it in writing. That was her attempt at trying to say that she knew more about my job than I did. Plus I think she was jealous that I put in so many years at one facility and was known and liked by so many people. She always mention that she talked to a person, asked if they knew me and they would tell her stories of the hijinks and times I had worked with them.

Today, PC has been retrofitted and is has a new 40 million dollar facility attached to it.
So much for her rumors and gossip.
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I don't know how much a regular psych would cost me, but I am appreciative that you guys are listening and supportive. I really appreciate it.

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Thanks for all the suggestions about outside help. If the situation were a little different I'd go for it.

I am hesitant to do so for the fact that if my sister will make statements about me hitting my mom. What would/could she say in front of strangers?

She also accused me of drinking too much. I love my spirits but this is a real test of who I am and facing reality straight.

To tell you the truth, I could really stand to sit down and get rocked off my ever loving arse. But, that won't do me any good. Maybe in the past I would have considered it, but I don't have that luxury now, not that it's an option-I just have to be able to think with a clear head.

That, and I have to deal with vindictive, nasty people who do not have a bit of common sense.

My goal is to make it through whatever happens and not have any doubts, regrets or second thoughts.

I can and do wake up in the morning and am able to look in the mirror without any problems. I pray that my sibs can do the same.


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I also want to thank everyone that has offered me the "phone a friend" option, I will use them eventually but am paranoid to get on the phone for any length of time.

[jazzcat]

I hope this thread and being able to unload a bit is helping. I know just typing it out has helped me before.

Wow Richard, you really are on a lower rung of the ladder, aren't you? I've been dealing with elder parent care for many years now but the one thing I can say is my siblings have for the most part stepped up to help even though they don't live nearby. I think I would have already gone postal if I had to deal with siblings like yours. WOW!

Don't get me wrong, I have my gripes - especially with my sister the nurse. What is it with nurses? She has helped and has been there for emergencies but when it comes to visiting Dad there always seems to be an excuse. She lives about three hours away and even though she could make trips to the same town to visit her husband's aunt, she would often not even let Dad know she was in town. To her credit she did just go through two horrible months where they moved her husband's dying aunt into their home and she cared for her around the clock until the end which was just three weeks ago today. Now that the aunt is gone it will be even harder to get her down to visit Dad but I'm hoping her experience with the aunt will have changed her view on Dad. Fingers crossed.

BTW, I'm the baby of the family. There is a 19 year span between the oldest brother and me. My parents had me in their mid 40s and it seems I've spent most my life taking care of one or both of them. I can remember spending my 8th summer standing by my mother's bed holding her hand and her barf bucket as she suffered with severe vertigo/dizzy attacks caused by Meniere's Disease. I remember at the end of the summer my parents gave me a $100 bill and put it in a savings account for me for all my hard work. (That really stuck with me - I was so proud). I digress.

Anyway, my oldest brother lives several states away but he is has been great. He pays for my Dad's hired caretaker, has paid to send my Dad and I or my Dad and my sister to go visit my other brother (we don't go visit the paying brother because his wife is a vindictive LOON! - there isn't enough space on the internet to tell about her). Plus that brother has been pretty good about helping me on the phone with issues with Dad. He's the one I get Dad to listen to about "man" things like riding the lawn mower, using power tools and not driving the car.

My other brother is helpful and is the one I'm the closest to in the family but he has his own health issues from MS and I hate to bother him too much. He does his part though.

My main gripe would be that I think my siblings tend to ignore me and blow me off because they think I'm being overly dramatic and that I'm a panic person. Also they say that Dad is happiest in his home and they want to keep him there as long as possible and that if he dies on his lawn mower or in his woodworking shop then he died happy. Well I hate to burst their balloon but if something happens to Dad on the mower or with power tools he probably won't die quickly, it will probably be a long painful ordeal and I know I will be the one to deal with it, not them!

I think I could just deal with this better if my siblings would offer me a break. I have been caring for Dad nonstop since my Mom died over four years ago and I was taking care of both of them for a couple years before that. The only breaks I have gotten have been for a few days when Dad went with my sis to my brothers and when Dad has gone up to visit sis at Thanksgiving and Easter each year - and that was just for a few days and I had to drive him up half way and go back to pick him up so technically I only got a day or two without dealing with Dad - that sucks! Even on the days I don't drive down and spend with him I'm on the phone with him several times a day. Every single night I call him at 11 pm for pill check and bed check. I would love it if I could just get a month off where I didn't have to call him except to say "Hi" if I wanted to. No pill check, no "did you drink your nutritional drink today", no trying to straighten out whatever he's confused about today and none of his "telling" on the caretaker. Just a good ole break!!!

Richard, I'm glad you started this. I will be back with my rants and gripes.

[Freedom]

Richard, I am so sorry. The hard part is, mom is contributing to this mess. Sigh.

My Dad lives with me, and I handle all his care. He has been to the lawyer, has all the documents in place. If something happens to me, my cousin steps in; NOT my brother. I'm not sure my brother even knows. (He's been told, but whether it stuck is another thing entirely.)

I often wish I could ask bro for help. It has been hard to face the fact that I am on my own with all this. He only lives 4 miles away. Three weeks back, Dad fell during the night, took care of himself and didn't call me. Next morning I found out because I saw all the blood on the floor (head wounds are notorious for bleeding!) As I'm cleaning up, I twisted funny and hurt my back. So now Dad needed lunch. Dad called bro and asked him to pick up salads at McD's. Bro "said" OK, but then decided not to do so. Meantime, Dad took his insulin shot. Long story short, Dad passed out and we all went to the ER, Dad by ambulance. Where Bro informed everyone this was MY fault; I should have had protein bars in the house or had Dad call pizza delivery, not HIM, HE isn't food delivery service!

I get a LOT of support from the senior center in our city, there is a social worker, nurse, and elder care information specialist available. Now with the vascular dementia diagnosis, I am also getting lots of help from the Alzheimer's Assn. This stuff is all free, so check around if there is something available to you. I also attend a caregiver's support group, at least once per month. What is said in there stays in there, and there are many family issues discusses in addition to the health care of the 'patient.' Again, all free.

Think carefully before seeking a guardian ad litem. All mom's money / assets could well be spent on lawyer fees, court fees and guardian costs. NO ONE in the family will have a say in anything once a guardian is appointed. Give input, perhaps, depends on the person, but the ultimate decision is out of the family's control.

I had posted about a resource for those caring for someone with either a chronic, or a terminal, condition, to maintain contact without phoning umpteen relatives and friends. You type in the latest info and that is it. They can sign up if they want (it is free) and then they get notice when you post something. May have helped with the bro who didn't know mom was moved from the hospital to a nursing home, not sure. If they don't want to give you their email addy, that is fine, you don't need it. You just let them know the site is there, it is up to them to log on. It is www.caringbridge.org

I hope some of this helps!

[Karen]

I cared for and helped out my Great Aunt Bertha a lot in her final years. The saddest, saddest saddest thing ever was when she said quietly to me, "Maybe it would be better if I never had (step)children. Then I wouldn't expect them to care or visit."

It could have broken your heart.

But she had us, anyway - Ma was her eldest niece, Bertha was Ma's youngest Aunt - and the only one shorter than Ma was. So they were always buddies, and consequently we were, too.

To give you a grin:

All my mother's children ended up taller than her. So when we'd pick on her about being short, she'd say "Yes, but I'm taller than Aunt Bertha!"

Whereas Aunt Bertha, when discussing height - she was the shortest of 8 siblings - would say "Yes, but I'm taller than Mrs. Schwartz!"

She said that to me one day, and I said "Mrs. Schwarts of Schwartz hardware? I've met her, she's taller than me ..." (and 20 years older, as well), and Aunt Bertha said "No, her mother-in-law - Mr. Schwartz's mother, she was only (indicated about eyebrow height on herself) this tall!"

[RICHARD]

Well,

I have to say that there are many of us that do jobs that our hearts do not let us go undone.

You all are good people and you know what it's like to swim against the tide.

Good work, You probably don't need to hear that, but it is nice to be noticed for doing it.

About the 'food delivery service' my littlest bro and sis were always doing that and it worked in reverse. I'd cook up a meal and they would walk in to her house with some fast food or something else.

Instead of calling to save a trip or to make sure that she was already eating they would take it upon themselves to bring her food. I am not mad about it-but I'd got to be a hassle because I'd freeze what ever I was cooking and mom would refuse to eat leftovers!


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The brother next to me is sometimes a pain in my arse and a great guy. We fight and argue about all kinds of things but in the end he's a good guy.

He took my sis to task about what she said to me the other day-this afternoon he came in to discuss the lawyer and will.

BTW, Thanks to you all for the suggestions for lawyers, social workers and other things.

Because of his old job he was able to secure help from a former coworker for everything we need. This isn't the first time that people we have worked with have gone ahead and offered help at little or no cost to us.

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We also discussed what role my big sis would play in the process.
LOL, she called my bro and told him she'd be back next week and he should call her if we needed anything.

She didn't leave her cell number or anyway to get a hold of her. I guess if we yell loud enough she can hear about it in Minnesota.

Yestetday she was going to arrange for a priest to go visit her. She then turned around, gave the job to my SIL and never showed up at the time she was supposed to.

Since she didn't show up for the lawyer or priest meetings we called her about the news, to keep her in the loop. After the convo I handed the phone to my SIL and she said to her, "Did you call the priest, what did he say?" MY SIL described what happened and sis told her "Oh, that's great, you did good girlfriend, you go!"

That subject came up today-she called my bro and SIL last nigh to let them know that she was leaving and "was there if we needed her..."

THey then told me that they should watch out for me that she thought that I was going to commit suicide. She then went into a spiel about how she knew me really well and that I was going to kill myself before she came back from her vacation!

I am going to make it a priority to outlive that biatch. EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!!!!!

My brother then told her that since we had worked together on and off for the past three years that it was pretty unlikely that it would happen. I guess that it didn't go over very well that he knew me better that the prodigal sister.



I am still laughing about it!

The one 'saving grace' is my brother and SIL are getting tired of her and are beginning to see that it's going to be us doing the heavy lifting when all is said and done.

So, some good news today! And there is tomorrow.

Again, just gotta hang tough!

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Hey,

Sometimes,when things go badly, stop and think about that ladder and thank your lucky stars you are not further down on the rungs.

It's all a matter of perspective!

[Catty1]

RICHARD - good to hear that the stronger people in the family are coming together.

The only thing I can think of regarding "what is it with nurses" is maybe they look after everybody else when they work, and have some bizarre sense of entitlement when they are off work.

Now, in all fairness, nurses work DARN hard...

So maybe you can all politely dismiss her by telling her that since she looks after other people for a living, you all won't be calling on her to do anything. She plainly doesn't want to do anything, and won't. Or can't.

HUGS

[CountryWolf07]

Wow, I can only pray for you, Richard, I know, things will work out in the end, as it always does in life.

Now this has gotten me a little bit concerned about my relationship with my two brothers. I'm the oldest. Right now, we are not exactly close. It sucks, and I try to work so hard, but I just haven't seen it improve since I started college. Isn't it funny? I always thought as you get older, you get into better relations with your siblings.

[RICHARD]

Wow, I can only pray for you, Richard, I know, things will work out in the end, as it always does in life.

Now this has gotten me a little bit concerned about my relationship with my two brothers. I'm the oldest. Right now, we are not exactly close. It sucks, and I try to work so hard, but I just haven't seen it improve since I started college. Isn't it funny? I always thought as you get older, you get into better relations with your siblings.

THe best advice is to keep a general relationship with them. Make the effort to drop a call or two, note, email, Christmas card. At the least you will be able to say that you tried.

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The hardest part of my relationships with my sibs is that they are all drama queens and kings.

They cannot have a conversation without listening, the first word out of their mouths is "NOOOOO!" And then they stomp off like idiots.

That's a typical reaction to the truth- they become indignant when faced with the truth.

In the end it doesn't matter. It's what you have prepared for.

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I was the only person who tried to float between all of them. I had to bite my lip when I deal with them to keep the other sibs happy, "Why are you talking to them?". Too much BS from each of their petty dinosaur sized brains.


UGH.....I have a rant at the moment and have to wait unitl I post it.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

P.S. I don't know how it works, but if you have a say, don't get 'borned' into a large family!

[joycenalex]

richard, i sent your mom another card this morning. how are you doing?

[RICHARD]

richard, i sent your mom another card this morning. how are you doing?

Really well! Thank you.

THere have been a few more 'things' to that I have to deal with, But, you know, with PT friends?

I CAN RULE THE WORLD!

Mom is going to get more chemo on Monday so, I am looking up and out!

THanks again for you concern, prayers and thoughts.

Dang, I know some really good people!

[jazzcat]

I'll be thinking about her Monday and keeping her in my prayers.

Glad to hear you are doing well too!