When family attacks/elder care and sibs rant.

[RICHARD]

richard, this sucks, big time. i will be praying for you and your mom.

Pray for her, restrain me?

You know, The only thing I want is to have my mom have quality time.

Things will work out in the end and it kills me to have to put up with this.

Example?
I didn't score any points when I started to tell everyone not to approach me with third hand stories.

They go like this, "I heard D went to see mom with some papers for her to sign..." So my reply to them is not what the story is, but who told you, I want to know about it and talk to them......I am trying to figure out who is talking smack and who can I can believe.

When I ask and get the 'someone told me' answer, I tell them not to bother to tell me because it's effing BS and drama. That got me the "You don't want to hear about it" accusation. IF I acted on every story that I have heard in the past month, I'd be in a nuthouse.

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When my sister told me that she'd take her into her home I knew that was a giant crock of crap. Later on when my brother told me about her accusation of abusing my mom, we agreed it would be a cold day on hell when she and her husband would take my mom into her home.

As in her taking mom to 'lunch', helping with the lawyer and taking my mom into her home, I want everyone to hear what she said. She's a great orator,
But, a lousy person.

Another of the arguements that I had with my brother was about the legal aspects and costs. He wants to pay for it all, I am of the mind that dear old sis offered and I plan on pursuing that aspect.

As mean as this sounds, I want her to put on the shoes and lace them up. She was very adamant of 'doing whatever was needed'.

She'll do what she needs to do to look good and not have anything weigh on her conscience. She'll gracefully back out of the 'deal' and leave us to worry about things.
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IT is my family and this probably sounds really strange- I love them and would do anything for them - but those feelings will be hard to rally if and when I have to pull them out of my back pocket.


I am sorry for venting in such a venomous way towards my kin, But they don't
have any respect for me and what I am doing for mom. I'm not a martyr, or the perfect son-I do have my moments where I feel have to laugh at the stupidity and actions the I witness.

The worst part about is having to look back at what has happened, and what will happen and having to measure people against that time and their actions.

[joycenalex]

richard, does your mom have a designated medical power of attorney, and a will in place, and all the other legal papers? it will make things better for all the heirs if you've told us this, i apologize, i can't recall.

[Medusa]

More unsolicited advice from a third party, Richard: look into a guardian ad litem. This person can act as an advocate for your mom and her care. It doesn't give her/him complete control but s/he is trained in this type of situation and it could help your mom (and you) immensely. Also, is it possible to call a powwow w/your family, to make a list of subjects that need to be addressed and handled immediately and then ask who would be willing and/or able to help w/them?

Your statement that Mom comes first and the money second is right on the mark IMO. That's always been my philosophy and where your focus should stay. That will help you through the madness. I'm sure that it would grieve your Mom to know that her family is divided at a time when she needs unity more than ever. However, I'm equally as sure that she knows the personalities involved and she's aware of how they conduct themselves, especially under pressure or during the hard times, so it probably would come as no surprise to her that the family is behaving in such a manner. You've certainly done well by coming to PT to vent. Lots of encouragement can be found here and, once in a while, a good idea or two. You are loved, mister.

[RICHARD]

richard, does your mom have a designated medical power of attorney, and a will in place, and all the other legal papers? it will make things better for all the heirs if you've told us this, i apologize, i can't recall.

Nope.

This is the reason for all the hassle.

Ugh, my mom is pretty stubborn and goes by the old adage. "If you don't talk about it, you won't need it/it won't happen"

There is a rather long back story that involves my sisters and two brothers. Dad was of the idea that you hustled to make a living, mom, not so much.
They made light of mom's loose purse strings.
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The social worker at the hospital inquired about her will and such. I spoke to her about things way before all of this and she was not very receptive. I was usually met with the Why?/No one is getting anything!/and other not-to-nice arguements.

At the hospital, not the place for such decisions, four of us were present. The youngest sis and three brothers. Ma said that my older sis and I be put in charge- I suggested that my other brother assist me -my older sis being on vacation and being so involved with mom that she hadn't talked to her in three years! THe two youngest vetoed that idea!

I can't make any decisions about her long term care because she refuses to cooperate with me.

There is another side to this that I can't figure out.

IT's her attitude towards me. I know that she is scared and hurting. She says things that really sting. I know that I was the closet child to her for the last five years and am the easiest target for her, it's not fun and I really dislike it.
IT's also not fun to have to put up with everyone thinking that I am trying to control the finances and her care.

Instead of being more involved with things, everyone can't be bothered and get pi$$ed off when I make a decision or try to get a concensus going.

This won't stop after she passes, IT will further fracture the family and I will be stuck defending myself and the decisions I have to make.

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One last thing about the BIL and SILs.

My youngest brothers wife took me to task about gettting everyone together and sharing information. When he shows up at the house has yet to sit down and talk to my me about mom.

The day that she was transferred from the hospital to the home, he called me, furious that she was being moved and they would not release any info to him about the move.

during the past month we spoke once about her and it was a rather limited conversation because our nephew and his pal were present.

His wife got all over my arse about not talking to him about what is going on-
so again, I am the problem because I won't call and give out info.

In the past I have given out my email address for my brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews to keep in contact and I have ended with two emails in the past 7 years.

Example?
Little brother will come over and talk about attending an event-he says that he took a ton of pictures. I tell him, send me some give him my email addy and never see anything.

I have asked for email addresses from him and my older sister and have yet to get one. And as you may suspect I love to write and don't mind getting mail.

As it is, my older sister is nothing but a paranoid old hag. Because she is one of the Suzie Orman effing clones she doesn't give out any info.

When I asked for an email address she didn't remember it. The lawyer asked for everyone's social security number, I told her this and she flipped out and said she would give it to him! I have called her about 5 times in the past five years and many before that- You either get a phone that rings 12-15 times, her robot husband who says, she's not there, is asleep or can't come to the phone. He won't take a message, call back later. I tried to call her a few days ago and the phone rang and rang. When she called back she was irritated that I didn't leave a message.

I told her that her phone machine was probably out and she got mad at me and said that I misdialed, twice. I have never, ever got a phone machine when I called her house. If she has a cell phone she hasn't volunteered a number and wouldn't give it to me anyway.

So, with all the drama they never do anything wrong, it's me.

And with her gone for two out of the four weeks while mom was in the hospital/home I just don't see any reason for her to be involved with any decision making.

It totally sucks.

[anna_66]

Richard, I feel your pain.

Mark and I went through pretty much the same thing with Mark's mom. It sucks the life out of you doesn't it?
I don't understand why everyone is just worried about money and what's good for them and not the person (your mom) who's in need....GREED of course

I'll be saying prayers that things calm down for you.

[Pam]

Richard I am so sorry you are going through this. As if it isn't hard enough to see your mom failing in front of your eyes, you have to deal with these family members. I have pretty much carried the ball with my mother's situation. I only have one brother and he was busy tending to his wife who had cancer for several years before she passed and was happy for me to take over. I know that the problems you are going through are pretty common though. We can choose our friends but we can't choose our families.

[sasvermont]

Richard, I feel your pain. I have been responsible for my Mom for years. I won't go in to the details beyond the fact that I know it is stressful, at best.

My Mom is now in an assisted living situation and it is much easier on me and much better for her. I know that everyone thinks it's better to be at home, with "loved ones" when you are older, but that is not always the best arrangement. My Mom has great care now and is constantly around caretakers and other older ladies. When she was at home with me, I went to work each day, leaving her alone and then would struggle to take care of her needs in the evening.

I did get the local agency on aging involved with my Mom since if something happened to me, she would be on her own! The process was filled with copies of documents, and they must be updated each year. I am her advocate and no longer her caretaker...... I have the power to write checks out of her bank to pay for her care etc. There is not much left over after all her bills for care and medications, but that's all she needs at this point.

I know it may seem like this is never ending....I still feel this way from time to time. I didn't sign up for this, but that is the way life is sometimes.

You are not alone with this struggle if you get some help with her. There are a few agency in nearly every community. They see cases like yours and your Mom's, all the time.

I have an older sister who has her own struggles these days, and she wants absolutely nothing to do with my Mom. So it all rests on my shoulders.

The caretakers often comment about my Mom and how nice she is ..... and it makes me feel guilty about having her there. Deep down in my heart, I know she is safer and more socialized in the assisted living place.

Good luck. Chin up. Ask for help from the agencies, if you can.

Fondly,
SAS

[moosmom]

I feel your pain, big guy. I got stuck caring for my Dad who drank 24/7 and keeping a job as a paralegal. It's tough. I have one brother. I called him many times after he told me to call him if I needed anything. Those were only words and that's all he ever gave me were words. I did everything for my father for 2 1/2 years. I was as resentful of him as you are to your siblings, RICHARD. If you ever feel like talking, I'll email you with my cellphone. I've got a new plan where I can call anywhere, anytime and talk for as long as I want.

[RICHARD]

Thanks to you all, Please, please please do not hesitate to comment.

IT's nice to know that there are people who have fought the same battles. It is not a 'brotherhood' that there is any medals, ceremonies, plaque awarded or someone that will pat you on the back at the end and say, "Good Job, Bucky!"

I know that what ever happens, I can say that I did my best and have no regrets. My only problem was/is expecting my sibs to 'man up'.

My dad had a saying, "Yo conosco me gente" -"I know my people" and it rings so true at the moment.

I am doomed either way. It would not help to set up meetings with my brothers and sisters. They will not/do not care.

IF I were passing out checks or money? DIfferent story.

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The one thing that I have had with my mom is quality time, that is the reason that I am in better shape than I thought I was in.

When I lost my job-in Sept of 06-I took some time to reflect. I put aside all the frivolous things in my life and started to live! I knew that time with my mom was important and put that as one of the things that I wanted to do-not for any specific reason, but to enjoy and live for once.

Ma jokes that it was like being married. We fought, laughed, argued and made up. I'd go home after a fight to come back a few hours later, LOL, Ed would go to the door and scream to go to her house. Who am I do deny him a simple pleasure? She'd say. "Are you back?" and we'd laugh and carry on.

Again, I am not the perfect person and didn't look to endear myself to her for any special reason or gain. It wasn't a job or labor. It's just the way things are to me.

I have shared many good times and secrets with my mom. We'd talk for hours and I know things about my sibs that would make them mad-and I know the reasons why they act that way toward my mom.

One of the saddest things about all the time we spent together was her lament about "having two daughters who don't give a shiat".

What did she want from them? A visit? A phone call or dropping off a lunch without the attached, "Oh did you hear about" or "I need money!". Mom lamented the fact that they never lifted a finger or made any attempt to come over and do anything for her.

MY SIL asked me about why I had such animosity towards my sis and I was thinking back about all she has said and done.

My sis got private school until her last year of high school, her nursing school paid for, and my parents bought a house and let her and her hubby live rent free for years! When there were repairs needed, they called my parents to fix them and never offered to pick up the costs....I do blame my parents for that-sis was daddy's girl, and could do no wrong.

I got her a job at the hospital where I worked, she took a position at the emergency desk and later quit because there wasn't enough action there. She went back years later and ended up always pushing other people's wrong buttons.

And now that I have unloaded on you poor folks, I thought about why I do not have a good relationship with her.

Since high school my sis has always been at odds with people. She has always either been threatened, about to be jumped/assaulted or paranoid about something.

When she went back to work at the facility where I first got her a job, she would call me to find out if I knew certain people who worked there. She was having problems with them and had to get an escort to her car at night. She finally transferred to another facility where she at odds, again, with people that I knew. She'd call me to find out what she could about them and I finally told her that she should just plain quit.

Another point of contention was the facility where I worked. There were always rumors about the place closing, not being fit after the 94 earthquake and all kinds of other whisperings in the air. She'd call me and say, "I heard they were closing Panorama City!" I'd laugh at her and say that I would believe it when I saw it in writing. That was her attempt at trying to say that she knew more about my job than I did. Plus I think she was jealous that I put in so many years at one facility and was known and liked by so many people. She always mention that she talked to a person, asked if they knew me and they would tell her stories of the hijinks and times I had worked with them.

Today, PC has been retrofitted and is has a new 40 million dollar facility attached to it.
So much for her rumors and gossip.
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I don't know how much a regular psych would cost me, but I am appreciative that you guys are listening and supportive. I really appreciate it.

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Thanks for all the suggestions about outside help. If the situation were a little different I'd go for it.

I am hesitant to do so for the fact that if my sister will make statements about me hitting my mom. What would/could she say in front of strangers?

She also accused me of drinking too much. I love my spirits but this is a real test of who I am and facing reality straight.

To tell you the truth, I could really stand to sit down and get rocked off my ever loving arse. But, that won't do me any good. Maybe in the past I would have considered it, but I don't have that luxury now, not that it's an option-I just have to be able to think with a clear head.

That, and I have to deal with vindictive, nasty people who do not have a bit of common sense.

My goal is to make it through whatever happens and not have any doubts, regrets or second thoughts.

I can and do wake up in the morning and am able to look in the mirror without any problems. I pray that my sibs can do the same.


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I also want to thank everyone that has offered me the "phone a friend" option, I will use them eventually but am paranoid to get on the phone for any length of time.

[jazzcat]

I hope this thread and being able to unload a bit is helping. I know just typing it out has helped me before.

Wow Richard, you really are on a lower rung of the ladder, aren't you? I've been dealing with elder parent care for many years now but the one thing I can say is my siblings have for the most part stepped up to help even though they don't live nearby. I think I would have already gone postal if I had to deal with siblings like yours. WOW!

Don't get me wrong, I have my gripes - especially with my sister the nurse. What is it with nurses? She has helped and has been there for emergencies but when it comes to visiting Dad there always seems to be an excuse. She lives about three hours away and even though she could make trips to the same town to visit her husband's aunt, she would often not even let Dad know she was in town. To her credit she did just go through two horrible months where they moved her husband's dying aunt into their home and she cared for her around the clock until the end which was just three weeks ago today. Now that the aunt is gone it will be even harder to get her down to visit Dad but I'm hoping her experience with the aunt will have changed her view on Dad. Fingers crossed.

BTW, I'm the baby of the family. There is a 19 year span between the oldest brother and me. My parents had me in their mid 40s and it seems I've spent most my life taking care of one or both of them. I can remember spending my 8th summer standing by my mother's bed holding her hand and her barf bucket as she suffered with severe vertigo/dizzy attacks caused by Meniere's Disease. I remember at the end of the summer my parents gave me a $100 bill and put it in a savings account for me for all my hard work. (That really stuck with me - I was so proud). I digress.

Anyway, my oldest brother lives several states away but he is has been great. He pays for my Dad's hired caretaker, has paid to send my Dad and I or my Dad and my sister to go visit my other brother (we don't go visit the paying brother because his wife is a vindictive LOON! - there isn't enough space on the internet to tell about her). Plus that brother has been pretty good about helping me on the phone with issues with Dad. He's the one I get Dad to listen to about "man" things like riding the lawn mower, using power tools and not driving the car.

My other brother is helpful and is the one I'm the closest to in the family but he has his own health issues from MS and I hate to bother him too much. He does his part though.

My main gripe would be that I think my siblings tend to ignore me and blow me off because they think I'm being overly dramatic and that I'm a panic person. Also they say that Dad is happiest in his home and they want to keep him there as long as possible and that if he dies on his lawn mower or in his woodworking shop then he died happy. Well I hate to burst their balloon but if something happens to Dad on the mower or with power tools he probably won't die quickly, it will probably be a long painful ordeal and I know I will be the one to deal with it, not them!

I think I could just deal with this better if my siblings would offer me a break. I have been caring for Dad nonstop since my Mom died over four years ago and I was taking care of both of them for a couple years before that. The only breaks I have gotten have been for a few days when Dad went with my sis to my brothers and when Dad has gone up to visit sis at Thanksgiving and Easter each year - and that was just for a few days and I had to drive him up half way and go back to pick him up so technically I only got a day or two without dealing with Dad - that sucks! Even on the days I don't drive down and spend with him I'm on the phone with him several times a day. Every single night I call him at 11 pm for pill check and bed check. I would love it if I could just get a month off where I didn't have to call him except to say "Hi" if I wanted to. No pill check, no "did you drink your nutritional drink today", no trying to straighten out whatever he's confused about today and none of his "telling" on the caretaker. Just a good ole break!!!

Richard, I'm glad you started this. I will be back with my rants and gripes.

[CountryWolf07]

Wow, I can only pray for you, Richard, I know, things will work out in the end, as it always does in life.

Now this has gotten me a little bit concerned about my relationship with my two brothers. I'm the oldest. Right now, we are not exactly close. It sucks, and I try to work so hard, but I just haven't seen it improve since I started college. Isn't it funny? I always thought as you get older, you get into better relations with your siblings.