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THE LIONESS


Aloof Rough Precocious Sleeper

If you watch the Discovery Channel, you know exactly what the Lioness is not. She is not the female lion in the pride, the one who does all the grunt work and gets none of the glory—she is the female manifestation of the lion, the boss of the pride. She sits in her place and, though easily capable of taking down a full-grown water buffalo (and we’re only kidding a little when we say that about your cat), she will consent to eating from the bowl of food you put out. As long as it tastes like meat, or at least gets supplemented with the real thing now and again, she won’t complain.

The Lioness tolerates you, and the more she senses your respect for her, the more her tolerance becomes an uneasy sort of friendship. She was probably the cat to swipe at you whenever you tried to pet her; eventually, she’ll only be the cat that swipes at everybody else who tries to pet her. Time is the crucial ingredient in winning her over, so no matter how nice your second cousin from Maine happens to be, if she only visits you once a year she’ll be leaving with claw marks in the same place every time.

Your cat isn’t likely to pull a disappearing act and vanish outdoors, unless you raised her out there. She tends to prefer carpets and couches to dirt and trees, and is more likely to manifest her disinterest in social interaction through simply staying put. There are a couple of spots around the house where she likes to set up camp, and they’re usually very strategically viable (windowsills, doorways, on top of large pieces of furniture, etc). With being so above the world and so keenly invested in keeping it at claw’s length, you’ll know she needs some attention whenever that bubble shrinks. She’s smart enough not to fight you back if she’s sick, but that doesn’t mean she’ll be any nicer. The Lioness, after all, had an uncle who actually did take down a full-grown water buffalo—and if you don’t ask how distantly related the uncle is, she doesn’t have to come at you with her claws. She can focus on giving you respect instead.