A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me
while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be
there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra
holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to
eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can
get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting
mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "Is that it?"
Me: "Yep."
Server: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."
At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He
looks at it kind of funny and says
Sever: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS A $2 BILL."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
Server: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift.
Server: "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and
get change."
Manager: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM
IN HERE." [My emphasis]
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
Server: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
Manager: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it
was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor
mall with 100 other stores.]
Me: "Well, here's a two."
Manager: "We don't take *those* either."
Me: "Why the hell not?"
Manager: "I think you *know* why."
Me: "No really, tell me, why?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What the hell for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine, have it your way then."
Me: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the
phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the
dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few
minutes later this 45 year old-ish guy comes in and says [at the
other end of counter, in a whisper]
Security: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
Security: "Really? What?"
Manager: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
Security: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [Incredulous]
Manager: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other
thing he has is a fifty."
Security: "So, the fifty's fake?"
Manager: "NO, the $2 is." Security: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of
here?"
Security: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says
Security: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're
trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Security: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Security: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to
eat, so I said
Me: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2
bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking
a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in
his hands, and says Security: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Security: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a **$2** bill."
Security: "Yeah?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot,
and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free
and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too.
Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what
happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free
food.