I read R's email on Womanspeak and it resonated with me. As a woman, I have been a victim of a legacy of Womanspeak in my marriage. In my family, there was no Womanspeak. My parents taught us to "say what you mean, and mean what you say." It seemed normal and logical to me, and as far as I knew, every family was like mine.

When I got married, I was constantly surprised and hurt when my husband would react to some innocent comment I made as if I had actually said something different. (For example, if I say "I'm cold." I really just mean that I'm cold. Nothing more. Nothing less. I don't mean for someone else to fix it.) He would react angrily and defensively to the most innocent statements. I was often hurt and had no idea what was going on. It got to the point that after I would say something and he would snap a reply at me, I would ask, "What did you hear me say ?"

After 20 years of marriage, we've gotten better at communicating, but the toxic legacy of Womanspeak laced with guilt from his mother as he was growing up had a very detrimental effect on our young marriage. Since I had no experience with Womanspeak, it took years just to figure out what was going on. It has also taken years for my husband to trust that I really do mean just what I say. Reading R's message makes me realize perhaps my dear husband's family is the rule, and mine was the exception.

Ladies, please realize what a huge impact we have on our children and their future families. I have not taught my children Womanspeak, but perhaps I should let them know such a language exists so they won't be so surprised if they encounter it in their adult lives.

Thank you for all that you do...
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Marla and Paddi say that I should give examples of Womanspeak. Okay, by categories, here goes:

One very common category is the question that cannot be answered (because it isn't really a question). For example:

1. WOMANSPEAK: You're not wearing that to the restaurant, are you? [If he's not, why does he have it on?]

HONEST VERSION: I think you should change clothes.

2. WOMANSPEAK: Don't you think you should ______________? [What kind of moron would be doing whatever-it-is, if he really thought he should be doing something different?]

HONEST VERSION: I think you should be doing _______(what you really want them to do)They can't read your mind.

3. Do we have time for me to ________________? [This example is an especially subtle form of Womanspeak, since it actually is asking a question, just not the question that is spoken aloud. The real
question is, "Do you mind if we make a side-trip, or put off leaving, or whatever, even though we're already up against our deadline?"]

Another common ploy is to shift needs. For example:

4. WOMANSPEAK: The garbage needs to be taken out. [Garbage does not have needs. People have needs. You need for him to take out the garbage.]

HONEST VERSION: Please, take out the garbage.

5. WOMANSPEAK: The car needs to be washed.

HONEST VERSION; Would you please wash the car.

6. WOMANSPEAK: You need to slow down. [No, you need for him to slow down.]

HONEST VERSION: I'm scared, would you please slow down.

And, of course, the classic:

WOMANSPEAK: I'm cold. [You know what that means.]

HONEST VERSION: Please turn up the heat.

If you want to read more about what our guys are thinking then go to our HeyTom website. They answer your questions.

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