Helping vs Enabling - what's the dif?

[Catty1]

Kim, I am so sorry to hear about your brother.

Addiction runs in my family and others - and I keep hearing how addiction is a progressive illness - even if one is sober (for example) for many years, if one has a drink, you are back as bad as ever, and actually where you would have been if you HADN'T stopped.

We lost a young fellow here, about 22 years old, Dec 17 2006...he had had some sobriety, his parents trusted him at home alone again, he was working! I don't know if he stopped going to recovery meetings, or what happened - but he started again, and where he was healthy in the spring, he died in his family's arms a year ago.

I saw him in October...he came to a meeting just before it closed, a long IV line hanging out of his arm, he was sick, he stand, he was drunk - one of our ladies gave him a big big hug, and the guys - the men here are amazing - they all took him out for coffee and to talk to him. He asked me to go - and I said if he was back the next week, I would go with him. He agreed with a smile.

That was the last time I saw him.

It's a tough balance, Kim, I know...the first of the 12 steps means we are powerless over people, places and things.

And it's not only drugs and alcohol...there is a PTr missing right now, and she might well be dead. But she had to hit her own bottom, and though several of us tried everything, in the end, we can only hope she bounces back up.

Some don't.

Prayer is more powerful than anything we can do, sometimes.

************************************************** ********

On a lighter note - You know you're codependent WHEN
- you're dying and someone else's life flashes before your eyes.


{{{{hugs}}}}

[kimlovescats]

That's so sad about your friend, Candace!

I also pray for our fellow PTer! I pray that she turns up safe and sound soon!!!

Kim

[moosmom]

Boy did THIS thread hit close to home!!!!

Guilty as charged. I was my father's enabler and primary caregiver for 2 1/2 years after my stepmother died, all the while fighting with my own sobriety. Did I feel guilty? You bet I did! My reasoning was I either go get the vodka for him, or he gets in his truck and drives to buy it himself, while intoxicated, taking the chance of killing someone else or himself in the process. Did I enjoy keeping my father drunk? No, but I knew if he stopped (he drank 24/7, vodka with milk ) cold turkey, it would NOT be pleasant.

I tried talking to a lawyer, fought with my Dad about his drinking, offered to go to AA meetings, even quit my job to care for him!!! He turned it all down.

Sometimes you do what you have to do in certain circumstances. This was one that could not be avoided, in MY opinion.

It's not a fun position to be in.

[kimlovescats]

Gosh, Donna, that must have been terribly hard on you!

Hugs,
Kim

[Freedom]

Two people (people who are trained in this stuff and whom I respect) have told me I am enabling my Dad, who is not caring for himself with his diabetes; that I should never have quit my career to have him move in with me. He moved in 7 years ago. They also agree he would have been dead within 6 months if he had NOT come to me.

So he is with me, and I get frustrated wtih him and we bicker and what not; and I deal with the EMTs and the ER on a regular basis.

Not an easy decision here, either.

[K9karen]

I'm an awful, sad enabler (for other reasons). Can't seem to break it. *Slaps self*

[Catty1]

Freedom - so these 'experts' tell you what you 'shouldn't' have done. Do they have any bright ideas as to what you should do now?

Ask them, if for no other reason than to watch them stammer.

You might want to consult an Elder Lawyer in your area. It's a whole national organization in the USA.

K9 - don't slap yourself. I've done my share of enabling, because the person's sickness is contagious...and I get it too, and that is how I act. Both people get sick, and the enabler doesn't even have to drink or use or do what the other person does. Google a support or al-anon group in your area and check it out.

HUGS

[jennielynn1970]

Two people (people who are trained in this stuff and whom I respect) have told me I am enabling my Dad, who is not caring for himself with his diabetes; that I should never have quit my career to have him move in with me. He moved in 7 years ago. They also agree he would have been dead within 6 months if he had NOT come to me.

So he is with me, and I get frustrated wtih him and we bicker and what not; and I deal with the EMTs and the ER on a regular basis.

Not an easy decision here, either.

My dad played the same role with his father, who also was a diabetic. He ended up in the hospital needing a pacemaker, and then was in total organ failure. He didn't make it. That was 11 years ago. My dad had done his grocery shopping for him, buying him his Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Hershey bars and ice cream... cause if he didn't, my grandfather would have done it anyway. He'd eat all the treats and then give himself more insulin. Even in the hospital, my grandfather snuck candy, or had others do it for him. When they picked him up from the bed when he passed away, they had found 3 Hershey bars underneath him.... sigh. So, no matter how sick, he was going to do what he wanted anyway.