Prayers for hubby - PLEASE!!

[catnapper]

Guys, I totally agree with you about rules and consequences. My husband agrees with you.... but he's completely unable to lay down the law. I honestly think its all the guilt from the years he missed being with them before the divorce (he was in the military during the Gulf War) and all the years after the divorce where he worked 70 hours a week. He seems so defeated and tells me he KNOWS they walk all over him but he CAN'T say no.

For years he made ME be the bad guy who said no and made the punishment stick. I REFUSE to do that anymore. Someone had to step up and be a parent, hubby knew he couldn't do it so he asked me - first it was his mom being the bad guy then he got me to do it.

Now he has two out of three kids ruling the roost. I do have to say, hubby's been TRYING to lay own the law, but they all rebut "did Kim make you say that?" I wish they knew I haven't been saying or doing anything to make him FINALLY be a parent -- its all him. But even the little bit he's been doing to stand up for himself has been a small percentage of what he should be doing.

Just to mention a few things I CAN mention (other stuff would surely get some family members in serious trouble)
* One decided working one day a week was too hard so they simply quit without telling anyone. When we told them they had to grow up and assume SOME responsibility, they "ran away" and refused to come back home until the $1,000 they stole from us ran out.
* One had a bottle of vodka in their room and Cam found it.... I found him walking around trying to get the cap off to drink it.
* One had a stash of wine coolers and beer in a pillow case under their bed (was moving their bed to clean the carpets... won't tell you what the room smelled like before hubby and I cleaned it... and YES we HAD to clean the room. It was stinking up the entire house) again, Cam would have found those because he looks under the beds for his kitty friends.
* One punched me in the face and broke my new glasses because hubby was for once trying to put his foot down and all I did was say "you know your father is right" *wham* a flying fit into my eye.
* One thinks 3:30 in the morning is the perfect time to come home every night
* One cost us $3,000 in a lawsuit

I'm sure I'm missing some of the smaller things. I'm purposely not admitting to the bigger things (yes, amazingly, there ARE bigger things) All the above happened in the past 2 or 3 months. Any wonder why hubby is having issues at the moment?

I've taken to working 7 days a week at two jobs just to stay out of everyone's way and avoid fights. I'm exhausted but haven't had any fights in the past few weeks. - avoidance is wonderful for short term, but something HAS to happen soon. and it HAS to come from hubby. and I think it will. This is scaring him and the kids enough.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Maybe removing yourself entirely for a few days would give them all the kick up the bum they so obviously need (sadly, I have to include hubby in this). These two aren't the only products of a divorce/hard working daddy and it should not be an excuse for their atrocious behaviour!!

Having said that, you have enough on your plate at the moment and I know its easy for me to sit here and spout but if you and your husband are going to have any sort of life together these two need a severe wake up call. They want to run away? let them. They steal from you - have them arrested.......I could go on but won't because its not the sort of help you need at the moment.

Hugs to you, hubby and the little guy

[moosmom]

One punched me in the face and broke my new glasses because hubby was for once trying to put his foot down and all I did was say "you know your father is right" *wham* a flying fit into my eye.

THAT would've done it for me. Physical violence is totally unacceptable. Whoever hit you would've been out on their ass along with everything they own.

You and Grant are WAY too good to those kids and they know it. It's time a backbone is grown and some rules set down. They don't like it, there's the door.

[Catty1]

Physical violence - okay, lay charges.

And both you AND hubby get counselling. NOW. I am sure there are support groups for blended families.

JMO - Hubby has to screw the guilt and be a PARENT, because his guilt is making the kids', his and your lives FAR worse than his divorce EVER will.

It's not the divorce - it's how he is reacting to it. Maybe it is his ex's fault that he is where he is now - but if he stays there, that's HIS fault.

Maybe a little vacation for you would be an idea. A month, say.

It's their battle.

[Rachel]

In my thinking a parent's job is to prepare their offspring to handle the challenges and responsibilities of the adult world. In my experience with the adult world there is no free ride and one is faced with the consequences of ones choices. In that respect, your husband should consider whether the current parenting he is implimenting is really doing these young adults any favors. Unless he is willing to continue with the current level of financial support for the rest of his life, he is far behind in the job of preparing them for *life*. Considering the possibility his own health is in jeapordy only adds another dimension to the problem.

Try to sit down and figure out between the two of you some basic house rules which must be adhered to and the consequences if they are not followed. If emotionally he is *defeated*, he needs to reach out for help from a family therapist. This situation seems to have been going on far too long and his health is obviously suffering. The status quo certainly doesn't appear to be working.

[shais_mom]

THAT would've done it for me. Physical violence is totally unacceptable. Whoever hit you would've been out on their ass along with everything they own.

You and Grant are WAY too good to those kids and they know it. It's time a backbone is grown and some rules set down. They don't like it, there's the door.

I agree - I come from a very non physical family. But if I ever would have even thought about raising my hand to my mom my dad would have had me on the floor in a heartbeat. Their behaivor is absurd..

[gini]

I have the strongest feeling that if something isn't done to break this cycle of behavior - EVERYONE is going to suffer - more than they already are suffering.
And especially the baby!

Why do you allow this? I really don't mean to be harsh or not have compassion for you - because I do.

But all of these events are way off the charts.............maybe as someone suggested "you" need to get away from it all for a while.

Are you really going to live the rest of your life this way?

I am trying to be devil's advocate here - because none of what is going on is productive for anyone. When do you reach your limit?

[lizbud]

Someone punched you in the face? Oh, this is much worse than I had
imagined. ((Hugs)) I wish you all the best. No one should have to put
up with this situation for one more minute.

[joycenalex]

kim, i will keep you and grant in my prayers. if ANYONE had ever hit me, the next time i'd have seen them was at the pre-trial conference. kindest regards, joyce

[joycenalex]

kim, i will keep you and grant in my prayers. if ANYONE had ever hit me, the next time i'd have seen them was at the pre-trial conference. does this man understand/know how much you love him? kindest regards, joyce

[sparks19]

OH Kim that is horrible. I'm so sorry.... physical abuse is NEVER acceptable.... I can say what everyone else has said, that kid would have been out on their butt but Iknow that is also easier said than done. But at the very least you should have filed charges.... there needs to be a SERIOUS consequence for that kind of behaviour.... especially from a young adult.

I say you should start with changing the locks on the house.... they don't abide by the curfew then they can't come in without your permission. Curfew is say 11... they come home at 3 am to a locked house. Now they either have to wake you and face you and your hubby.... or they sleep on the porch.

But I know you know all this.... and I am very sorry they are taking advantage of you like that.... I think whoever suggested counselling for joined families might have a good idea there.

Good luck (((HUGS))))