Take That, Mall of America

Scott Feschuk | September 18, 2007 | 12:20:24 | Permalink

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The airport restroom in which U.S. Senator Larry Craig was arrested during a sex-solicitation sting has become “a tourist attraction,” an airport official says. – The Association Press

The Men’s Room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport
The Audio Guide

Welcome to the men’s room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport – an institution internationally renowned for facilitating and hosting the arrest of U.S. Senator Larry Craig. Also, we think Prince might have peed here once.

I’m Morgan Freeman, and I’ll be your host for this journey through time, through history and, above all, through the mind of a simple man from Idaho who came to this airport men’s room with a dream. And with knowledge of an intricate series of movements and gestures meant to convey his desire for a homosexual encounter. And, some historians believe, with a boner.

Please do not touch any of the displays or artifacts. They’re not antiques or valuable in any way, but they sure are gross. Especially the urinal cakes. Flash photography is not permitted – unless the man in the next stall taps his foot three times and passes under a notarized affidavit denying that he’s a cop. And even then, you might want to check first to make sure he’s not fugly. I’m just saying.

1. Since the dawn of humanity, man has felt the urge to explore, to grow and sometimes to urinate. You are standing at a row of five urinals – man’s epic sculptures to need. It is widely believed by anthropologists that Senator Larry Craig did not stop here on his journey to ignominy, though a fringe group of scientists speculate that he may have paused briefly and glanced over to “check out” some of the talent.

2. This is the stall in which Senator Craig positioned himself, adopting his now-famous “wide stance,” which caused his right foot to come into contact with the left foot of the arresting officer in a way – and this is crucial – that was "totally gay." Some say that late at night, if you listen very closely, you can hear the haunted sounds of distant tapping, following by the haunted sounds of a man remarking, “You’re a cop?!” followed by the haunted sounds of a man repeatedly but unconvincingly asserting his heterosexuality. Others say it’s just the noise from the air duct.

3. You are standing now at the sink. Frankly, it’s just a sink, but I’m getting paid by the word so I though I’d add this bit in. The sink is automated so it’s supposed to turn on if you put your hands near it, though in my experience in hardly ever does. I mean, what’s the deal with that? Stupid sinks.

4. You are standing now at the spot where Senator Craig handed his business card to the undercover officer, and then remarked: “What do you think of that?” The officer’s response to the query has been lost to the sands of time, though many believe he said something along the lines of, “Whatever, just please get your hand off my ass.”

5. This? This is a stack of paper towels. Idiot. (Hey, are you still hanging around in the john?)

This concludes our tour of the men’s room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. We invite you to pause at the exit to visit our gift shop, which stocks a wide selection of T-shirts, souvenir toilet paper and plea agreements. And for God’s sake, please wash your hands.