Anyone taking care of elder parents??

[Karen]

Catsnclay, I am sure your father is, above all things, afraid of what is happening to him, and in denial is his only way of coping. Others have given you good advice. Is there a trusted clergyperson you could get that would help you get him to a doctor? There are many things that they can do these days, and many causes for dementia - including if he's taking any medicines that he might no longer need ... and if it is something like Alzheimers, the sooner you get him help, the better for the both of you. Does he have insurance? Does he have any long-term care insurance?

And don't worry about being embarrassed by his behavior in public sometimes. Many people will understand exactly what's going on, and no one will blame him or you.

[Pam]

Everyone has given you such good advice that I really have nothing more to add. I just want to say that I totally understand your situation as I have gone through it and am still going through it although things are much better now.

My mom had been slipping for several years and I had noticed it. I think she had too but only admitted it to me one day when she confessed that she had made a mess of her checkbook and not only couldn't figure out how to balance it but also had trouble remembering how to write checks. Then she had cataract surgery and the doctor's office received word from the insurance that her secondary insurance (Blue Cross) had dropped her for non-payment of premiums (she simply forgot to pay her bill). Thank God, that doctor is my boss and I was able to get on it right away. A trip to the bank and a call to the insurance company got her reinstated. Whew! After all of that she gave me total control over her checkbook and I became POA.

My second biggest fear was her driving. She refused to give it up and I knew she was far from alert when she was behind the wheel. One day she fell in her apartment and had to go to the hospital. She had cracked some ribs and was admitted to the hospital and from there was sent to a care facility for rehab. While there I was able to convince her to not go back to living alone and also to give up her car. Boy was that hard. Her car was her key to independence.

Now she is in a nursing home. Her dementia has gotten quite bad over this past year and she rarely recognizes me any more. She is receiving excellent care (this place has a waiting list a mile long) but I sometimes feel that I have let her down. I know I couldn't care for her myself and we had discussed all of this ahead of time back when she was well. I have a brother but he lives 2 hrs. from her and I live only 1 hr. from her so the decisions have always fallen on me. Fortunately he approves of everything I have done. It is very hard. Please know that you are not alone. ((((hugs))))

[moosmom]

Catsnclay,

There are tons of options. I know how difficult it is to care for an elderly, ill parent. My father was an alcoholic and refused to go to a doctor. He wound up drinking himself to death.

When I was caring for my Dad, they didn't have the resources they have now. Please, do yourself a favor...get help. I didn't and it cost me my sanity. There are respite programs that available. Call AARP.

I consulted an attorney, that's how bad my father got. He told me that I could check my dad into the hospital, but they couldn't hold him. My hands were tied.

I hired a housekeeper to keep his apartment clean and it also gave him someone to talk to. Because he lived alone, I was ALWAYS over there. I tried renting a 2 bedroom place for both of us but he refused. He liked his independence. I tried getting him meals on wheels. The stuff just went bad (he would "drink" his meals, if you know what I mean).

It's going to be difficult. Don't forget to take care of yourself, above and beyond!!

You've got my number (I think...if not PM me). You're in my thoughts and prayers.

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Donna

[Donnaj4962]

I sent you a PM with some other toll free numbers and web addresses.

Hope they help! Please feel free to PM me for more information. Remember that there IS help out there. Sometimes you will find the help through a variety of agencies, but we all have the best interest of YOU AND YOUR FATHER at heart, and will do what we can to help. Please keep us posted.

[Catsnclay]

OMG thank you ALL for all the response and information!!! I guess I am not alone in this!!


There is no way my father will move, I'm afraid the only way he will move is when he can no longer walk or function. But we are not at that point - yet. We will cross that bridge when we get there.

So far, I am on all of his bank accounts, just called the hospital that he would go to and - Yeah!! they already have me in the computer at the person to contact!! Phew!

Now my next step is to get that POA so the doctors and anyone else will talk to me. It is amazing what that piece of paper will do!

I have all of his accounts coming to my address now and we are doing his banking and paying bills via the internet. He actually thinks it is pretty neat that with a click of a button his bills get paid, so he is happy that I am doing this for him.

I went over there last week and his girlfriend has HER name & address plastered all over his house as the person to contact in case of ER.

No, no, no!!!! I have printed out several ICE with MY name & number and will be taking that over there tomorrow to replace it with hers. She is nice, but she must know that she does NOT have any power of my father. Sometimes I get wierd feelings about her........

Any ways it is nice to know that others have or are going through this and I am not alone.

I REALLY appreciate all the websites that everyone has listed, I have put them in my fathers new folder in my computer! I have started to read some of them, but it gets really stressful.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all! Gosh, it is amazing what you get when you ask!!!

Bunny & father

[Catty1]

Suggestion - if the girlfriend is being 'weird', tell her that the law will only give a blood relative POA - not your fault or hers. She is afraid of being excluded, maybe, so if there is a way of telling her how she can help where no one else can - such as, she is right there and knows how he is behaving, and can give a first-hand report that no one else can.

Not wording it great, but you know what I mean...I hope....

HUGS!

[trayi52]

My mother has dementia, and Alzheimer's disease. I know just how bad it can get. She is doing pretty good right now, except she is hallucinating, she sees this old man sitting under the tree in her front yard. She goes out and cusses him, I mean she can really lay it on him!!

I have to go three times a day to her house and give her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I also have to give her meds to her at breakfast and dinner. She cannot swollow them so I have to crush them and mix them with applesauce.
We have tried to get help, but here in TN, there just isn't any help.

So Yes, I know just how you feel.


Willie

[Catsnclay]

Suggestion - if the girlfriend is being 'weird', tell her that the law will only give a blood relative POA - not your fault or hers. She is afraid of being excluded, maybe, so if there is a way of telling her how she can help where no one else can - such as, she is right there and knows how he is behaving, and can give a first-hand report that no one else can.

Not wording it great, but you know what I mean...I hope....

HUGS!

I have told her, nicely that if she went to the ER with him, legally she won't be able to ask or be there. With her southern-belle drawl (which comes on at times like this) she pats me on tha back and say: "Now Bunny, you just know you would be the first person I'd call if they won't talk to me. I know this is your daddy and he means the world to the both of us, honey."

Sorry, but please don't talk to me like I am a child, and how I personally inturpeted that statement was, 'if' they do NOT talk to her, then yes, she would have to call me - but only if that happens. (she still wears her wedding rings from her deceased husband, so they may assume that they are married)

I made up a bunch of ICE/POA signs that I will be bringing to my father's house to day, and one for his wallet. Plus I have to go and reteach him how to use his coffee maker, again