Our PT joke thread

[cassiesmom]

What type of hotel rooms do chocolate Easter bunnies reserve?
Sweets.

[cassiesmom]

Here's a groaner for fall: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.

[cassiesmom]

Q: How do leaves travel from one town to town?
A: With autumn-mobiles.

[cassiesmom]

Now that it is November, here's a Thanksgiving joke...

Q What did the pilgrims on Mayflower play when they were bored?
A: Cards – because they always have a deck.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

What will you get when a racing pigeon mates with a parrot?

A racing pigeon that cannot get lost because it can always ask for directions

[cassiesmom]

Q: What did one cat say to the other on Valentine's Day?
A: You're purr-fect!

[cassiesmom]

"Coffee has a really hard time at our house. It gets mugged every morning." -- unknown

[cassiesmom]

Q: How do you recognize a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark.

[cassiesmom]

From my neighbor's grandson, who is learning "question and answer" jokes.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

[cassiesmom]

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.
“I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the pitcher. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.”
“When is that?” asked the pitcher.
“Right after the national anthem.”

[jackmilliesmom]

Brave Men Jokes

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling
ofperfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're
next,fatty."

********************************




A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected 2litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange
juice, ahead of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee
and a250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on theconveyor
belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placedthe items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmlystated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeedsingle.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothingparticularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off thedrunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know
what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

[Randi]

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

[CathyBogart]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE



A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled
engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[CathyBogart]

Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds? AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Larry has been missing since Friday.

[CathyBogart]

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7 :00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You 're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.