Our PT joke thread

[lizbud]

Loved this one. LOL


SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

[theterrierman]

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wild-eyed, the boy responds,

" . . . BASS SOLO!!!" -


__________________________________________________ ______________


A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.

The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.

She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."

[Karen]

Hee hee! Gotta love those musician jokes!

[jackie]

^^ LOL @ bass solo!

[cassiesmom]

How do you define perfect pitch for a piccolo? Over the edge and into the Dumpster without hitting the side!

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb; one to pull the ladder out from under the one doing the changing; and three to complain about how much better they could have done it.

[CathyBogart]

Dear Technical Support,
I have recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all system activity including Applications such as Poker Night 10.2, Football 5.0 and Pub 7.5. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall program doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Dear Troubled User
This is a very common program that men install and complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to block this. Look in the Wife 1.0 user manual under Warnings: Assets, Alimony & Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command “c:\apologize” because ultimately you will have to give the Apologize command before the system will operate as normal.
Wife 1.0 does have some advantages but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several useful support utilities such as ‘Clean and Sweep 3.0’, ‘Cook It 5.1’ and ‘Do Bills 4.2’. However be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program ‘Nag Nag 9.5’. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as ‘Flowers 2.1’ or ‘Diamonds 5.3’.
WARNING!!! Do not, under any circumstances, install ‘Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3’. This application is completely incompatible with Wife 1.0 and is not supported. It will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and require a complete rebuild of your system.
Best of luck,
Tech. Support.

[CathyBogart]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listento me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ************************************************** *************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[CathyBogart]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is
just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another
drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the
amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to
the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

*


(Wait for it)

*


*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)


*

*

*
"He should've quit when he was a head!"

[ratdogg]

"He should've quit when he was a head!"

LMAO. nice

here's my contribution. not really a joke, but a witty saying.

"Every dog has its day, only a dog with a broken tail has a weak-end"

[Jenn&Dean]

I have a joke... It's a one liner, but well worth it.



What is red and bad for your teeth???






A BRICK!!!


LOL, I get a kick out of it everytime.

[Catty1]

Therapeutic Advice

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up. Calm...

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

[Smarties]

Here are some Hilarious Jokes.... Hope you like them!


What four letters would scare off a burgaler? O I C U (Oh I see you)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? SNOT polite to say snot
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the sallad DRESSING!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE!
Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken was having a DAY OFF
Kock Knock. Who is there? Wet. Wet who? WET me in it's raining!


OK i'm sooooooooooooooo silly

[wombat2u2004]

Knock Knock. who's there ? Amos. Amos who ? A mosquito.

Here are some Hilarious Jokes.... Hope you like them!


What four letters would scare off a burgaler? O I C U (Oh I see you)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? SNOT polite to say snot
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the sallad DRESSING!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE!
Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken was having a DAY OFF
Kock Knock. Who is there? Wet. Wet who? WET me in it's raining!


OK i'm sooooooooooooooo silly

[Scorpio]

My sense of humour is notoriously weird. I come from the land of Python, Son of Goons, Son of Marx (Brothers). See if this tickles in the right place.

In Mr. Williams' general stores, the kind that sells everything in a small town, a young man was hired as assistant. As it was his first day, he cleaned up and stocked shelves whilst Mr Williams dealt with the customers.
A man came into the shop, and Mr Williams said to the boy, "Selling stuff is easy, lad. Watch what I do!"
The man came up to the counter and asked for a packet of grass seed. The sun had turned his lawn into a wasteland. "Certainly, Sir," said Mr Williams, "we have the very best there is." He produced the packet of seed, but then, leaning on the counter and speaking in confidential tones, he warned,"Of course you do know what this seed can do?"
"What do you mean?" asked the man. "Well, this seed grows overnight. You'll have a new lawn in a couple of days, but you have to cut it regularly, or it will be a jungle in no time. Do have the lawnmower for the job?"
"Well, er ....."
"We have an offer this week on the most effective lawnmower you've ever seen."
Within ten minutes, Mr Williams had sold the man a lawnmower.
"You see, boy? That's how it's done."
Shortly after, a new customer, also a man, came into the store and the apprentice was given the task of dealing with him.
"Yes. Sir? What can I do for you?" So far so good.
"I'd like a packet of Tampax, please. "
"Certainly Sir. Could I interest you in a lawnmower?"
"Why on earth would I want a lawnmower?"
"Well, I thought that seeing as the weekend is ruined, you might might as well cut the grass!"

[wombat2u2004]

Hee hee.
At my age, all I ever look forward to, is cutting the grass