Our PT joke thread

[cassiesmom]

You all have probably heard this before, but it makes me smile because I'm a geriatric nurse.

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various subjects. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or I had just awakened!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"


And one musician joke: What did the drummer get on his SAT test? Drool.

[lizbud]

Loved this one. LOL


SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

[theterrierman]

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wild-eyed, the boy responds,

" . . . BASS SOLO!!!" -


__________________________________________________ ______________


A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.

The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.

She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."

[Karen]

Hee hee! Gotta love those musician jokes!

[jackie]

^^ LOL @ bass solo!

[cassiesmom]

How do you define perfect pitch for a piccolo? Over the edge and into the Dumpster without hitting the side!

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb; one to pull the ladder out from under the one doing the changing; and three to complain about how much better they could have done it.

[CathyBogart]

Dear Technical Support,
I have recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all system activity including Applications such as Poker Night 10.2, Football 5.0 and Pub 7.5. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but the uninstall program doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Dear Troubled User
This is a very common program that men install and complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to block this. Look in the Wife 1.0 user manual under Warnings: Assets, Alimony & Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command “c:\apologize” because ultimately you will have to give the Apologize command before the system will operate as normal.
Wife 1.0 does have some advantages but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several useful support utilities such as ‘Clean and Sweep 3.0’, ‘Cook It 5.1’ and ‘Do Bills 4.2’. However be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program ‘Nag Nag 9.5’. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software such as ‘Flowers 2.1’ or ‘Diamonds 5.3’.
WARNING!!! Do not, under any circumstances, install ‘Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3’. This application is completely incompatible with Wife 1.0 and is not supported. It will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and require a complete rebuild of your system.
Best of luck,
Tech. Support.

[CathyBogart]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is
just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then
bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another
drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the
amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches
down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two
legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy
stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to
the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs
over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

*


(Wait for it)

*


*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)


*

*

*
"He should've quit when he was a head!"

[Jenn&Dean]

I have a joke... It's a one liner, but well worth it.



What is red and bad for your teeth???






A BRICK!!!


LOL, I get a kick out of it everytime.

[Smarties]

Here are some Hilarious Jokes.... Hope you like them!


What four letters would scare off a burgaler? O I C U (Oh I see you)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Snot. Snot who? SNOT polite to say snot
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the sallad DRESSING!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE!
Why did the cow cross the road? Because the chicken was having a DAY OFF
Kock Knock. Who is there? Wet. Wet who? WET me in it's raining!


OK i'm sooooooooooooooo silly

[Scorpio]

My sense of humour is notoriously weird. I come from the land of Python, Son of Goons, Son of Marx (Brothers). See if this tickles in the right place.

In Mr. Williams' general stores, the kind that sells everything in a small town, a young man was hired as assistant. As it was his first day, he cleaned up and stocked shelves whilst Mr Williams dealt with the customers.
A man came into the shop, and Mr Williams said to the boy, "Selling stuff is easy, lad. Watch what I do!"
The man came up to the counter and asked for a packet of grass seed. The sun had turned his lawn into a wasteland. "Certainly, Sir," said Mr Williams, "we have the very best there is." He produced the packet of seed, but then, leaning on the counter and speaking in confidential tones, he warned,"Of course you do know what this seed can do?"
"What do you mean?" asked the man. "Well, this seed grows overnight. You'll have a new lawn in a couple of days, but you have to cut it regularly, or it will be a jungle in no time. Do have the lawnmower for the job?"
"Well, er ....."
"We have an offer this week on the most effective lawnmower you've ever seen."
Within ten minutes, Mr Williams had sold the man a lawnmower.
"You see, boy? That's how it's done."
Shortly after, a new customer, also a man, came into the store and the apprentice was given the task of dealing with him.
"Yes. Sir? What can I do for you?" So far so good.
"I'd like a packet of Tampax, please. "
"Certainly Sir. Could I interest you in a lawnmower?"
"Why on earth would I want a lawnmower?"
"Well, I thought that seeing as the weekend is ruined, you might might as well cut the grass!"

[Louie and me]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old a**hole what his name is.

[lolli94]

I just finished reading this whole thread, and did a lot of laughing Thanks everybody!

[cassiesmom]

From my neighbor's grandson, age 6...
Q: Where does the Easter bunny go for Easter brunch?
A: IHOP!

[cassiesmom]

I know I'm from Chicago because...

(These are new ones from the Chicago Architecture Foundation Web site.)

1. You precede every past-tense verb with “had” and think every other verb should be a gerund. “He had been a stock broker and was wanting to live in Streeterville” instead of “He was a stock broker and wanted to live in Streeterville.”
2. Your girlfriend describes every good thing as “amazing.” There are no other adjectives.
3. You don’t bother looking up until there are at least three TV news helicopters circling overhead.
4. If you see two or more military helicopters in the sky, you know traffic is about to be screwed up around The Loop, Hyde Park, or both.
5. You listen to the news on AM radio even though the exact same program is available on an FM frequency.
6. You’ve ever been late for work because of a drawbridge.
7. You vocally refuse to go to chain restaurants, but freely tuck in to Al’s #1 Beef, Giordano’s pizza and Portillo’s hot dogs.
8. You keep a few bucks in your pocket because even though credit cards have been around for nearly 100 years, none of the eateries on your block take plastic.
9. It took you a while to realize that “Vote early, vote often” is a joke phrase, and not advice from the Cook County Clerk.
10. When you see someone on the street arguing with himself, it’s usually crazy, not Bluetooth.
11. You see a tragic gun massacre elsewhere in the country on the news and think to yourself, “That’s just a warm summer weekend in Chicago.”
12. You went to the Billy Goat Tavern before Saturday Night Live.
13. You still think Garfield Goose is the height of sophisticated humor.
14. You breathed a sigh of relief when Rio got the Olympics.
15. You’ve convinced yourself that limiting your thick-crust pizza to two toppings makes it a health food.
16. You mentally heckle the geographical errors that inevitably show up in any movie or TV program set in Chicago.