Our PT joke thread

[CathyBogart]

OK, the other thread has gotten a bit out of hand - so here is our shiny new joke thread! I'll start with my favorite political joke. :P

George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice, and Bush's most trusted cabinet members are having their weekly intelligence meeting. They are going over the usual things, troop movements, terrorist activity, and the like when Cheney says, "Mr. Bush, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush looks at Cheney, and visibly pales. "Oh my God," he says. "OH MY GOD. This is terrible! What are we going to do? How could something like this happen? Who is responsible?" His cabinet members see tears in his eyes as, shaking and muttering, he lowers his head into his hands.

A few long minutes pass while the President regains his composure. Finally, he sets his shoulders, takes a deep breath, and calms himself. He takes his head from his hands, looks up at Dick, and says, "OK, first things first... How many is in a brazillion again?"

[Catty1]

LOL! I hope Karen makes this a sticky!

Here's one!

Phone keeps ringing - The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Phone Won't Stop Ringing?

Here's What You Do

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

[CathyBogart]

Michael Vick's jury has been chosen...

[Karen]

Oh, gosh - I LOVE that cartoon!

[trayi52]

I love all the jokes, and the cartoon!!!!!!!!!!!

Willie

[Ginger's Mom]

Michael Vick's jury has been chosen...

Hahaha, cute.

[jackie]

Far side comics!

[Catty1]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the hostages, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You were an executive at Enron, weren't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

AND THE BEST ONE OF ALL..

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[CathyBogart]

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine:
'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine:
'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER !)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

[cassiesmom]

You all have probably heard this before, but it makes me smile because I'm a geriatric nurse.

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various subjects. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or I had just awakened!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"


And one musician joke: What did the drummer get on his SAT test? Drool.

[lizbud]

Loved this one. LOL


SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

[theterrierman]

A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wild-eyed, the boy responds,

" . . . BASS SOLO!!!" -


__________________________________________________ ______________


A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.

The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.

She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."

[Karen]

Hee hee! Gotta love those musician jokes!

[jackie]

^^ LOL @ bass solo!

[cassiesmom]

How do you define perfect pitch for a piccolo? Over the edge and into the Dumpster without hitting the side!

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb; one to pull the ladder out from under the one doing the changing; and three to complain about how much better they could have done it.