Advice.......?

[Babyboonie]

I need some advice, points of view, opinions etc.....

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for 18 months and have recently found out that there are significant problems with both of us that means we are unable to concieve naturally. We have been told that we can go through a form of IVF treatment calls ICSI - this has the same "basics" as IVF, but actually injects the sperm into the egg...which supposedly provides a higher success rate for people like my husband and I.

To be honest, at first I didn't really understand the processes of IVF or ICSI, so decided to do a bit of research....now I kinda wish I hadn't in some ways. The process is so complicated and being a woman..quite invasive as well. My husband is very supportive and has said that ultimately the decision is mine, as it is me that has to go through all the different treatments...but I don't see it that way. I see it as a decision for both of us, but how do we make that decision? Is it my decision? He has said that he will support me in whatever "I" decide, but at the same time also says that he will find it difficult to watch me go through the process. I tried talking to my Mum about it, and she too can't see past what I have to go through.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want people to make the decision for me, I just want advice...but no-one seems to be able to give that to me because they are too close to me. I know they are only thinking about me and I can totally see it from their point of view, it is a lot to go through. But all I keep thinking is that if I don't go through with it am I always going to say "what if"?

I have also been told that I have a very low chance of carrying full term - approximately 20%. So again, they are focussing on the 80% chance of losing the baby or the baby being extremely premature. So on the other side of the coin...if I do go through with it and then something happens to the baby am I going to cope with the heartache after wanting something for so long?

I'm in turmoil over this, I have gone right off food, I haven't had a decent sleep in weeks and keep thinking to myself that if I forget about it for a while..will the decision be easier. But it's not. It won't go away. I think about it every day.

I went to see my GP today and he hadn't even heard of ICSI, so wasn't much use - he suggested waiting until our initial appointment with the IVF clinic. I even asked if there were any support groups or maybe a counsellor that I could see to talk things over with..someone who doesn't know "me", but he couldn't help me there either.

I just don't know where to turn or what to do....

[Catty1]

I will see if I can locate a support board...will PM you when I get home.

hugs!

[Marigold2]

Being a mom of three grown children I know the joy and heartache of being a parent. I also know that you can love a child even if you didn't give birth to them just as much. There are all kinds of ways to be a mom. Adoption of a child or sometimes just being an aunt can be every bit as satisfying as giving birth. Volunteering in a hospital or being a Big Brother or Big Sister would mean so much to those kids. The joy you bring them will never be greater then anything you do in your life for another. And as a mom I can honestly say your own kids will NEVER be as greatful as the kids at Big Brother or Big Sister. Also every day medicine comes out with new ways to become a mom. What is new today in medicine is old tomorrow. Don't give up hope on being a mom. In the meantime adoping another fur baby is a great opinion as well. Modern medicine changes everyday good luck to you and hubby.

[Catlady711]

Just as there are many animals in shelters waiting for an owner, there are many children in orphanages waiting for parents. My own personal opinion would be to look into adoption.

It's your decision though and no one can make that for you, but don't beat yourself up over it or make yourself so stressed out. Sit down by yourself, calm yourself, and make a list of all your options, list the pros and cons of each one. I'd think that either at the end of your list you'll either see one way as being better than another, or you'll feel more secure about whichever option you choose.

[wvmutts]

I PM'd you a link of a forum other there women have gone through similar situations as yours. I hope someone there will be to help you.

[wolfsoul]

I have to agree with CatLady here. Adoption is also a difficult process, but it is much less expensive and obviously doesn't require any invasive surgeries. You have to remember that alot of reproduction problems can be genetic, and with both of you having issues you may very well produce a baby with the same problem.

However, I am also very much into holistic healing. I would consider going to a naturopath if I were you. It is possible that you are your hsuband may have something in your environment that is putting a stress on your reproductive organs and making them shut down or not work properly. All it can take is cutting some things out of your diet (that you may have no idea your body does not react well to), probably going on a cleanse (to detoxify and revitalise all of your organs), taking special supplements, etc. I go on cleanses regularily and I can tell you, they will heal problems you never thought you had. My friend is always cleansing and she recently went in for a small surgery to check her uterus (she was having symptoms of some kind of cancer -- turned out to be nothing) and when the doctor closed her up he said she had he healthiest uterus he'd ever seen -- and she is 42 years old!! I would really consider the naturopath -- tell him about your problems and he will do the necessary tests and tell you of your chances after you start a health program. It may sound silly but trust me!

Good luck.

[Babyboonie]

Hi, thanks for responding - it means a lot to me right now.

I've had a couple of forums PM'd to me, which are really useful. I've even posted my first thread on one of them which is a bit scary...however, i'm sure they are just as nice and helpful as the people on here.

I do agree with the adoption route, however the guidelines are so tough that i'm terrified they will turn us down because of something silly like we both work all day, or our garden isn't big enough etc. I know that sounds daft, but it's just the way I feel at the moment.

I also considered the surrogacy option as that would increase the chances of carrying full term, but I just don't think I could bare watching someone else carry my child for me when it's something I really want to do for myself. Maybe that's just because everything is so fresh and raw at the moment - in time other options may seem like little rays of hope...rather than obsticles.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

My advice would be pray about it...

I never thought I would have children... I was 25 when i got divorced and we never had any together. I accidentally got pregnant and my "most stupid" BIGGEST fear was that something would happen and i would have to have a c-section. I thought it wouldn't be fair... like i would miss the "real" experience of having a baby.

My pregnancy was a nightmare.. i spent the whole 10 months so depressed... then HAD to have a c-section.

But now that he is here.. the pregnancy and c-section... are so the past.. Now he is my whole life.

Although you want to experience being pregnant.. once the baby is here .. you never really think about it again (well i don't)..

If you have other options like adoption or a serrogate.. pray about them. Things happen for a reason. You may be here to be a mom to another special person.. and once they are in your life... that is all you will think about.