Would this upset you?

[Samantha Puppy]

I don't see where your comments were necessary, lizbud. No one here has said anything inflammatory to or about Lobodeb or anyone else who has shared their thoughts on this matter. Honestly, I don't know sparks19 from Moses, but her post sounds like something I might've said had I had more time earlier today.

Lobodeb asked for feedback and advice. She got it. If she has an issue with anything anyone's said, how about letting her address it with them privately?

[sparks19]

I don't see where your comments were necessary, lizbud. No one here has said anything inflammatory to or about Lobodeb or anyone else who has shared their thoughts on this matter. Honestly, I don't know sparks19 from Moses, but her post sounds like something I might've said had I had more time earlier today.

Lobodeb asked for feedback and advice. She got it. If she has an issue with anything anyone's said, how about letting her address it with them privately?

Thank you. Seems if you have a differing opinion around here you are out of line LOL. I feel sorry that Lobodeb is so upset about something like this. However, re read the OP and tell me that is not out of line. i would enver call my husband lazy, stupid, say that he can't do anything right, and fault him for everything bad that has happened. Although she seems to have talked the same way about herself in that post. I have no doubt that she is a kind and loving woman. I never stated that she was otherwise, some people just jump to conclusions and read between lines that aren't there. Boy all that jumping must make people tired

Lizbud you are the only one getting upset here. I am not upset in the least. I just call it as I see it. I"m sure she is a very nice woman but I am not going to sugar coat it. I never said I had all the answers and I believe I said that if she has tried the communication approach already then YES she indeed does have a reason to be upset. if she has tried communicating with him about this then there is NO excuse for his behaviour (or lack there of). but she cannot expect him to know how she feels if she doesn't talk to him about it.

She said her birthday was a few weeks ago but she is still upset about it enough to post this and say such things about her husband. If she has been angry for that long there are obviously some deep seeded issues there and they aren't going to go away by her keeping them to herself (venting on here does not count. She needs to discuss this with her family).

Lobodeb, if you see my posts as whatever Lizbud sees them as then I am sorry. I just hate to see such torment in a relationship that it bothers you for weeks and causes you to feel such dislike towards your husband. I really hope you work this out, not only for your family but for yourself.

[popcornbird]

I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

This is the EXACT reason I so easily overlook my husband's mistakes. Because he overlooks mine. Because he never holds my faults against me. Because he just laughs, hugs me, and tells me 'Its okay', when I forget to do something I was supposed to. He asked me for a glass of water the other day, as I was heading for the kitchen, and on my way back, I forgot to get it for him. He remembered, but didn't even remind me as he didn't want me to feel bad. I sat with him, talked for like half an hour, before I suddenly remembered and asked him, "Oh my gosh...did I ever get some water for you?" He laughed and said, "Nope...you didn't. Finally you remember!"

Now, someone else may have thought, "What an uncaring wife...I'm thirsty, busy with my work...she's IN the kitchen, and she didn't get me any water." Its EASY to blame others, but the fact is, it is always the intention that counts. I forget. My husband forgets. Sometimes, we even forget to do things for each other. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or care for each other. It just means that he's human and I'm human, and we make mistakes.

I would forgive and forget and compromise for the rest of my life, than to EVER be single again for a moment. Sure, when I'm 'single', I don't have someone to worry about, but the fact is...love is FAR more meaningful than material things, or gifts on 'certain' dates. I love my husband for the sake of who he is, not for what he remembers to buy me. Its the small pleasures in life that are the greatest treasures. Cherish them. I would never hold anger towards my husband. There are times when we do little things that our spouse may not like, but what we should always remember is the love that brought us together, and why we married. I haven't read all the posts here, but really...just like one would love their child unconditionally, the love for the spouse should be the same. After all, it is the love we have for our spouse that leads to having a child and starting a family. Everyone makes mistakes. I stick to my previous opinion. He's your husband. He tried his best. Forgive, forget, and move on.

One thing I must add though...Lobodeb, I do feel your husband needs to drive. He's the husband in the house, and if 'driving and getting things you need' is anyone's responsibility, it is his responsibility above yours, or he should at least help in it. That doesn't mean you should have war with him because of it...just that you should try to convince him. I don't know how easy your husband is to talk to or deal with, but I would never fight over things like this. God doesn't give us life and loved ones to take foregranted.

[Cataholic]

This is the EXACT reason I so easily overlook my husband's mistakes. Because he overlooks mine. Because he never holds my faults against me. Because he just laughs, hugs me, and tells me 'Its okay', when I forget to do something I was supposed to. He asked me for a glass of water the other day, as I was heading for the kitchen, and on my way back, I forgot to get it for him. He remembered, but didn't even remind me as he didn't want me to feel bad. I sat with him, talked for like half an hour, before I suddenly remembered and asked him, "Oh my gosh...did I ever get some water for you?" He laughed and said, "Nope...you didn't. Finally you remember!"

Now, someone else may have thought, "What an uncaring wife...I'm thirsty, busy with my work...she's IN the kitchen, and she didn't get me any water." Its EASY to blame others, but the fact is, it is always the intention that counts. I forget. My husband forgets. Sometimes, we even forget to do things for each other. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or care for each other. It just means that he's human and I'm human, and we make mistakes.

PCB- I appreciate your example, however, that isn't exactly what seems to be going on in Loebedo's house. Of course no one would get 'mad' at you for forgetting a glass of water. And, it is super hard to imagine that someone would think you 'uncaring' over a glass of water. Those ARE silly things. Forgetting something isn't exactly the same thing as overlooking something significant to the other person. Mistakes imply a lack of intent. Loebedo's husband's treatment of Loebedo doesn't seem to be a 'mistake'. It seems intentional.

And, as to Sparks19, I did find your post a tiny bit offensive towards Loebedo. Did I comment on it before? Nope. I 'overlooked' it. I think Loebedo should feel free to vent to us, and I dislike how many of us seem to cruicify her for her feelings. It is like, somehow, that her husband's needs/wants/feelings come before hers.

I hope Loebedo, for Loebedo's sake only, takes anything she finds helpful from these posts, and makes her life a bit more comfortable for her. If she reads these posts and thinks, "Wow, what a load of rubbish", that that helps her to the next place in life.

[Lobodeb]

In that post alone she has insinuated (sp? lol) that he is lazy, stupid, incompetent, he can't do anything right.

I never said he was stupid, incompetent or can't do anything right. I did say he was lazy.

Lobodeb, you really need to sit down with your husband and TALK to him. No blaming, just talking. Maybe you will find out the answers to your questions.

I did sit down and talk to him, and that's when I found out that he couldn't get a ride. He then lied to me and said he asked my mom what I wanted. He claims that she told him she didn't know. That is a lie on 2 fronts. He never asked her, and 2, she kept a list of what I wanted so she would know.

Someone else suggested that I keep a wish list. I do. He must have forgotten about it.

But to answer your question, yes I am disgusted with him, but not just over this birthday incident. There is a lot more going on that fueled this blow out.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I did ask for them, however, I didn't ask to be called names, but none the less, I put my business out there, so I'm fair game, I guess.

[caseysmom]

Debby, Sorry some are insensitive when you really don't need it. I am sending you a big hug okay? I hope your husband will come around and be more sensitive and caring, that adorable little boy needs his mom and dad.

[catnapper]

Oh wow, another thread thats progressed since last I checked! LOL

Its amazing how everyone has such vastly different expectations and interpretations for what makes a good relationship. But what everyone essentially expects is common respect for each other, consideration for their feelings and their needs, and a daily effort to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

We might not all be in perfect relationships. I love my husband dearly and couldn't imagine life without him -- is he perfect? Not even close! Is he perfect for me? you betcha! 99% of our fights come from lack of communication -- whether he neglects to communicate what his expectations are from me in a given situation or I neglect to tell him. For instance, when I had my surgery a few weeks ago, I REALLY wanted him there, but refused (stubborness) to tell him that. I felt he should have KNOWN I wanted him there. How could he have if I was making the whole thing out to be no big deal? I have already told him in no uncertain terms that if I need to have another surgery that I NEED him there. I'm no mind reader and I'm fairly certain he isn't one either, so why should I make him guess what I want?

Often too, we forget things we normally would not forget. Right now, with stress, I'm SO forgetful - I forget the smallest things like making an important phone call. Hugo is still a baby, and babies are known stressors. So he's trying to work, sleep, take care of his son, take care of his wife, be everything he as before the baby, and finding there's not enough time in the day to be everything before Hugo came along. Energy is low, tension is high. I'd cut him some slack on the birthday thing right now. He did give you a card and did send flowers. At last he did that! If he didn't do those and used only the excuse of his cousin not driving him, THEN I'd be furious because he didn't even try at all.

[BOBS DAD]

Debby, Sorry some are insensitive when you really don't need it. I am sending you a big hug okay? I hope your husband will come around and be more sensitive and caring, that adorable little boy needs his mom and dad.

I concur...

I have posted on this subject and I don't even really remember what I said??? I do recall however, that I find your husband's excuse about "cousin not giving him a ride" rather weak.

I hope that you can resolve this issue as you and your husband feel appropriate, and get back on track, with "both of you" being happy with the outcome!!!

[BOBS DAD]

Whoa there sparkie. I believe you are getting carried away with
this whole thing. How dare you be so presumptuous to assume you have all the answers & can lecture Lobodeb? Just let this go girl. Go read a book, or take a pill or something. I thing you've spouted off long enough.Lobodeb
doesn't need your "advice" Get a grip. You answered the original question
so let this go already. Geeze.

Maybe so... I do think Sparks has been the most vocal and has seemed to suggest the most experience and bonafide answers to relationship issues.

Maybe Sparks could start a relationship/counseling website. LOL!!! Just kidding Sparks... do not take me seriously.

The only point I want to make here is that it is hard to offer any real concrete advice on this issue until you know a "whole lot more" about Debbie and her husbands private life. Which we certainly don't need to know and even then are likely "not qualified" to offer any real professional advice.

And just another point I'd like to throw in there. I would take anyone's involved, indepth assuredness opinions on the subject with a grain of salt - especially if they themselves have been married less than 10 years or have been married 2-3 times. Doesn't make them bad... just seems like less of an expert.

[caseysmom]

Well Bob's dad I have been married 25 years and only married once...so my advice to all....Don't get married!

[BOBS DAD]

Well Bob's dad I have been married 25 years and only married once...so my advice to all....Don't get married!

Good one CM!!! LOL! 22 for us and our first - at least that what my wife has always told me!

[K9soul]

I hope nothing I posted seemed criticizing or directed personally at you Lobodeb. My first post was regarding how I would if feel the particular incident you wrote about had happened to me. I couldn't really look at the whole picture of your relationship since I didn't/don't know what it is like, so the original question of if he was late with my gift and if it would upset me, my answer would be no.

My second post was addressing the idea of being a "settler" type due to my stance on the gift scenario, and how things would go if I forgot or neglected something etc. My relationship was much like sparks' and Glacier's description. We were each responsible for ourselves and had no set expectations. I didn't get him up for work or vice versa. Both of us cooked, cleaned, did laundry etc.

I suppose what has really come out of this is the obvious fact that there is no simple answer to something like this, it involves too many complexities, i.e. how is the rest of the relationship, how is the every day situation, does there seem to be mutual respect and so on. We each imagine the situation in the setting of how our relationships are or have been, and that ultimately reflects the answer we give.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

No one should be allowed to post on this topic untill they have been married more than a year!! (that is supposed to be sarcastic and funny)

I agree with Lobodeb and a few others.

I was married for 4 years... I ABSOLUTELY HATE having my birthday's at restaurants.. and guess where my fabulous husband had my birthday party EVERY STINKIN YEAR??? A restaurant!!! Not that the thought didn't count but i think listening to me counts for a little bit more... Every year i would throw him really fun birthday parties with different themes of things that interested him... threw him a big surprise party for his 25th.... and he just could not throw me a party anywhere but a restaurant... and he NEVER invited MY family... It took him four years to finally quit buying me flowers for valentines day! I hate getting flowers and he KNEW that.. but every year he would get me flowers. Again.. it is hard to appreciate the thought when they just wont listen to you.

Marriages always start out new and you can overlook their mistakes and think they are cute and you are understanding.. but what i learned... if a husband or wife can't listen to their partner then you don't have much of a partner.. and being understanding only nurtures the spouse to not care about your needs.

I may be a bitter but oh well!! Some may not agree but they may have a spouse that listens and cares.

I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you Lobodeb!! My marriage failed and i wouldn't wish that on anyone.. I hope things get better for you two!!

*HUGITO is sooooo cute!!!*

[Cataholic]

Marriages always start out new and you can overlook their mistakes and think they are cute and you are understanding.. but what i learned... if a husband or wife can't listen to their partner then you don't have much of a partner.. and being understanding only nurtures the spouse to not care about your needs.

VERY good point there, Sara! Too often, it is the "understanding" spouse that looks back upon 5, 7, or even 20 years of marriage, in utter consternation when the other spouse is finished with them, wondering, "where did it go wrong? I was so understanding. I didn't do this. Or, I did this, and never complained". That's right. You didn't. And, he/she is going on, presumabley, to greener pastures, to <gasp> someone that holds them accountable for their actions.

I quit representing clients whose cases even smelt like domestic relations cases. I couldn't deal with the emotions that go with them. With the lying. The cheating. The unending question, "what did I do wrong?". Nothing. You married an idiot. A person that didn't have that inner voice telling them right from wrong, and a person that thought they could get away with treating you like dirt- cause you allowed them for ten years.

I have yet to meet someone that could "meet" my standards. Nothing to do with looks (since I ain't no looker myself). Nothing to do with money (as I am financially self sufficient). Nothing to do with much more than honesty, integrity, love of animals, family and kids, and an ability to function on their own- like **most** adults should be able to. So, those that might be snickering, "well, she is single, she can't be (knowledgable) (able to understand) (shoot, maybe even worthy, who knows?) (or, she must be soooo sad and bitter cause she is single)", I say that I wouldn't change my status, or change my lifestyle for all the tea in China. As I hated dealing with Loebedo's issues in date-hood, and I know I couldn't put up with it inside the contract of marriage. It would be nice, I suppose, to have someone else unclog my toilet or hang the ceiling fan, but, shoot, that is why God made tradespeople!

Lo- whatEVER you do, hold your head up, and remember: You are someone, on your own, irrespective of how someone treats you. Hugito needs a happy, secure mommy. THAT is the best gift you could give him.

[caseysmom]

Cataholic...the only thing I call you is SMART!

p.s. can you guys tell I am annoyed with my hubby today????