Would this upset you?

[sparks19]

And they're getting MARRIED???

Tell her how much money she'll save on a lawyer if she breaks with him NOW!

PFFT he's the one thats gonna get screwed when they get divorced lol. She is spiteful like that and will take him for everything he's worth. but yes it's a scary thought that they are getting married and this is how they behave towards each other lol.

Catsindenver, you bring up a good point. I didn't get that from the post so I didn't think about that. if he did in fact make an effort before why has he suddenly stopped. What I got from the post is that he has never really put out much of an effort on holidays.

however, I do disagree with you on one point.

I think that how a significant other treats you at birthdays and other holidays can give you some indication of where you stand with him or her.

I think how a SO treats every single DAY is an indication on where you stand with them. If they only put out the effort on special occassions then isn't the gesture a little.... empty? I would rather him forget about my birthday and make his feelings towards me abundantly clear the rest of the year Then have a big deal made of my birthday just so he has a bye for the rest of the year and doesn't have to show how he feels until next year.

[Vela]

A line from sparks previous post stated "He ALWAYS does the laundry because he knows I hate doing the laundry" Thats exactly the kind of
"knowing" that I meant in regards to a "knowing " the other partners
feelings on remembering special days (birthdays, anniversery, etc)

The gift itself is nothing compared to the remembering how the other
person feels about it & making an effort to show they do care about their
feelings by remembering.

I agree with you. The only thing in this instance with the OP is her husband DID remember, it really wasn't his doing that the flowers were late. A card and flowers saying I love you seem very adequate to me, and a thoughtful gesture, so to ME, it seemed odd that someone would be so mad about not getting another present as well. I could see her being upset if maybe he blew the whole thing off and didn't care at all but that's not what happened.

Glacier, great post.

[Pam]

I couldn't vote. I certainly don't think you are a diva, but I just don't see a problem with your hubby.

Jess (K9soul) has said everything I would say and more, and much better I might add. To be honest, I don't know why this man let her get away.

We are all human. We all forget. The fact that hubby had a card for you ready to view when you woke up and tried to send flowers would have been more than enough for me.

I don't know about anyone else but buying gifts for people is very hard for me. I often don't know what to buy and I put it off because I am always thinking that eventually I'll think of *the perfect gift.* This could be why your hubby waited so long. Years ago my hubby used to buy me perfume. Often I couldn't wear it as he likes much stronger scents than I do and sometimes the perfume he would buy me would give me a headache. He sort of lost his zeal after that because he was afraid of disappointing me again.

I am the one in the family who enjoys yard work. He works in the yard because he has to and I work in the yard because I like it. My birthday is in the fall, and one year he bought be a leaf blower for my birthday. I thought it was very clever of him and appreciated it very much. My co-workers at that time thought it was a horrible gift. They thought he should have bought jewelry or something more feminine. My point really is that we are all different and our relationships with our spouses are all different. I think it is more about how we are treated on a daily basis rather than what we give or receive on a special day.

[sparks19]

I agree with you. The only thing in this instance with the OP is her husband DID remember, it really wasn't his doing that the flowers were late. A card and flowers saying I love you seem very adequate to me, and a thoughtful gesture, so to ME, it seemed odd that someone would be so mad about not getting another present as well. I could see her being upset if maybe he blew the whole thing off and didn't care at all but that's not what happened.

Glacier, great post.

I couldn't agree more.

Also, I hope the OP Significant other doesn't see this thread. She didn't paint him in a flattering light and I know if it were my spouse saying things like that about me I would be very upset. and that IS a valid reason to be angry. I understand she was upset but I think saying things like that (even thinking things like that) really hurts a relationship. lobodeb, you say things aren't well between you two besides this birthday thing. I am very sorry I hope you guys can talk it out and get back on track.

[Prairie Purrs]

Catsindenver, you bring up a good point. I didn't get that from the post so I didn't think about that. if he did in fact make an effort before why has he suddenly stopped. What I got from the post is that he has never really put out much of an effort on holidays.

however, I do disagree with you on one point.



I think how a SO treats every single DAY is an indication on where you stand with them. If they only put out the effort on special occassions then isn't the gesture a little.... empty? I would rather him forget about my birthday and make his feelings towards me abundantly clear the rest of the year Then have a big deal made of my birthday just so he has a bye for the rest of the year and doesn't have to show how he feels until next year.

Lobodeb's comment about what he'd done in the past appears in a later post, where she responds to some of the initial comments.

And of course it matters how your SO treats you day to day. But the topic seemed to be birthdays, so I was going with that.

[sparks19]

Lobodeb's comment about what he'd done in the past appears in a later post, where she responds to some of the initial comments.

And of course it matters how your SO treats you day to day. But the topic seemed to be birthdays, so I was going with that.

AH gotcha. I must have missed that post somehow. LOL this thread has been moving fast LOL

[Cataholic]

I get the impression that a lot of what's bothering Lobodeb isn't so much whether he did "enough" for this particular birthday, but what he did (or didn't do) for her birthday this year as compared to what he's done in the past. And yes, if I were with someone who used to make a big deal about my birthday and is now making lame excuses for why he couldn't get me anything, I'd wonder what his problem was.

I think that how a significant other treats you at birthdays and other holidays can give you some indication of where you stand with him or her. If your SO is extravagant when buying for himself and cheap when buying something for you, that's not a good sign. If she tosses a tantrum if you forget the anniversary of when you first met, but she can never be bothered to remember your birthday, that's a warning. While my ex-husband and I were dating, he insisted two years in a row on celebrating his birthday by going to lunch with his ex-wife. I definitely should have read that sign!

On the other hand, if you have a generally wonderful SO who doesn't give a flying toot about material things and can't even remember his own birthday, then his failure to make a big deal about your birthday wouldn't be worth fussing about.

CID- you surely stated it much better than I, and I can tell I touched a nerve in several of you. For those of you that responded to my post, it is obvious you have a wonderful person whose worth isn't measured in one day's activity, etc. Nor, does it appear that the relationship is one-sided, especially yours, Glacier. You have a relationship that sounds nearly perfect.

What the OP was complaining about though, isn't what most of us were responding to. It sounds as if her husband isn't very receptive to her feelings, not very respectful of her feelings. And, that isn't right. If a particular day, event, moment, whatever is important to her- it is important to her. If a certain behaviour is important to her- it is important to her.

Frankly, when one party 'used to do' something, and then there is a change, this situation needs to be addressed, less it develop into a serious matter.

[timlewis]

I have to agree that its how they treat you day to day not just one or two days a year. If you are happy everyother day who cares about 2 or 3 days a year, a b-day is just another day and christmas well everyone thinks about what they are getting instead of what it really is. Everyone has forgot all about Jesus what about his b-day what did he get this year? If my wife got mad at me for not getting her something for her b-day then I might not get it just for the point because she shouldnt get mad. And personally I could care less what or if she gets me anything for mine or for christmas I am happy whatching her and my 2 kids opening their gifts. As long as they are happy who cares if i get anything i just like seeing my son and daughter and wife open gifts and seeing the smile on their face. Everyone is so caught up in material things we have forgotten about what matters LOVE do u love your husband or do you just want things? My wife cooks everyday and i could eat it off the floor my house is so clean (All The Time) and most important she takes great care of my kids. Not to mention all the small things she does and mentioned by someone before, i couldnt tell u the last time i had to get my soap out from under the sink if it start to melt away it suddenly just appears there and those little things is what matters the most. LOL not soap but little things that she does for me i couldnt live without her she makes my dinner for me everyday before i go to work, i use to take an apple and she would cut it up and put it in a little bowl for me, so why would i care if she remembers one or days a year. I tell u one more little story and ill shuttup, at sunday school they always ask if anyone has any b-days or anniversary and they sing to them. Well noone said anything and 2 or 3 days after we remembered that sunday was our anniversary and we hadnt bought anything for one another.

[Samantha Puppy]

There is nothing wrong in wanting your partner to be considerate of your feelings, likes, dislikes - of you, in general. If they love you, things that matter to you should matter to them. I too have a difficult time when I go out of my way to be sweet, thoughtful, or otherwise considerate of my husband and he doesn't reciprocate. Marriage is give and take, 50/50, and when it gets lop-sided too far in one direction, any human is going to get disillusioned and allow other issues to snowball into this one and get more upset than they would were it an isolated incident.

You're not being a diva. You're a woman.

[CathyBogart]

Honestly, while I might be a little miffed, I think I would get over it pretty quickly in light of the cad and the flowers. He was thinking of you, he remembered the day, and if he didn't try to go shopping until the day of...well...it happens to the best of us sometimes.

The fact that he specifically apologized for it says to me that he knew he messed up and he felt bad about it. I know I've procrastinated on important dates before, I'll bet most of us have.

[Glacier]

Nor, does it appear that the relationship is one-sided, especially yours, Glacier. You have a relationship that sounds nearly perfect.

Oh, I wouldn't go that far! It's a good relationship and we've figured out what works for us to keep it that way, but it's far from perfect. Stuart lives with severe chronic pain. Some days that makes him less than fun to live with! I have no doubt that he wonders why he married me sometimes too!

I had really good relationship role models. My parents have been married for over 36 years. Things have not always been easy, smooth or even happy for them, but they've stuck it out, held on to why they got together in the first place. They maintain their own interests and friends, but are still each other's best friend. I want in my marriage what they have.

[Logan]

This year, I had the most disappointing birthday, ever. Did I overreact? You'd better believe I did! My husband thought that my birthday fell on Tuesday, not Monday, as he just got the days wrong, not the date. He committed to do something with his son on the night of my birthday, and it rubbed me wrong, and when he said "We didn't have anything planned that night, did we?", I responded with, "I guess not", and I ended up feeling horrible! My husband doesn't see his children very often, nor is he invited to participate in their lives very often, so I definitely didn't want him to feel guilty about choosing to participate in something his son had invited him to attend. He took my daughter and me out to a nice dinner the night before my birthday and brought me flowers and a special card the night of my birthday. That was enough for me.

He does so many other special things, throughout the year, that remind me that he loves me (so much more than I ever do for him), that I could never feel any resentment towards him. Good heavens, I have reported several things, right here at Pet Talk, that he has done, including a beautiful portrait of our RB Zipper, just this week (in Dog General), and also bringing me our puppy, Mack, after we lost our Zipper.

I think we all need to appreciate the little things and get over the things that don't really matter, such as our birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

Logan

[sparks19]

The only thing I am wondering about.... re read the OP. do you think it is OK to talk about your husband in such a way. The feeling I got from reading that was the she is disgusted with her husband. perhaps it was just that she was angry but I have a hard time believing that such snide comments haven't been thought about before this. Perhaps he doesn't want to do special things anymore because he doesn't get the special treatment he used to. i dont imagine Lobodeb talked to or about him when they first got married the way she talks about him now. In that post alone she has insinuated (sp? lol) that he is lazy, stupid, incompetent, he can't do anything right. What a terrible way to speak about someone you are supposed to love

Again, I know anger can be a powerful thing and makes us say things we don't really mean but that was a very harsh post. I really hope her husband never reads this. I know my husband would be heart broken if I ever talked about him that way.

YES a marriage is 50/50 you have to give a little to get a little, and often it is hard to look at ourselves and see fault in how we are acting.

Lobodeb, you really need to sit down with your husband and TALK to him. No blaming, just talking. Maybe you will find out the answers to your questions. Maybe he is angry at you for some reason. but communication is KEY. If you are angry at him for something YOU need to tell him WHY. You need to tell him how it makes you feel when he does that. If that doesn't work I would seriously recommend marriage counselling. I am sorry if I am over stepping my bounds, I know I don't know you or your situation. this is just the impression I got from your post.

Don't EVER go to bed angry.

If something is bothering you, you MUST tell him. how is he supposed to fix it if you won't talk to him about it.

Life is stressful but you need to be there for each other, not battling each other. He should be your greatest ally.

If you have made every attempt to communicate with him and he is unrelenting and still does the things that upset you, THEN he has NO excuse. but if you are just leaving him to figure it out on his own then you are waiting for a frosty day in h*ll because men aren't mind readers lol Heck they aren't even lip readers (remember communication is not sitting down and blaming him. You can't sit down and say "you do this and this and this and this. you don't do this and this and this and this." have a REAL talk)


Good luck. I hope you guys can work everything out.

[caseysmom]

Sparks, Debbie is a very kind sweet woman. I think she just needed to vent.

[lizbud]

Whoa there sparkie. I believe you are getting carried away with
this whole thing. How dare you be so presumptuous to assume you have all the answers & can lecture Lobodeb? Just let this go girl. Go read a book, or take a pill or something. I thing you've spouted off long enough.Lobodeb
doesn't need your "advice" Get a grip. You answered the original question
so let this go already. Geeze.