Would this upset you?

[sparks19]

Exactly. It shouldn't be the only indicator. And, when all else is going right, it prolly isn't the only indicator.

I am single. By choice. And, I think I know why. I just see alot of 'settling for' type attitudes here. I am not into excusing other's behaviors, when I don't excuse my own. I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

it goes over fine. He doesn't expect me to remind him to do things. I am forgetful just as he is. If I forget and he happens to remember... GREAT. If he forgets and I remember... GREAT> If we both forget.... Oh Well. there will be other days. My husband never expects me to cook, clean, any of that stuff. I do it becuase I have the time. When I start working we will both be cleaning and cooking supper together. Of course we love cooking together. he sets his own alarm and is responsable for getting himself out of bed and off to work, and he has never had a problem yet. He ALWAYS does the laundry because he knows I hate doing the laundry. if the laundry isn't done on a certain day or certain time oh well, if I wanted it done a certain way I would do it myself. We don't EXPECT anything from each other except for unconditional love, respect, and honesty. Everything else doesn't matter.

We don't get angry at each other over such trivial things. it's all about personal responsibility. if he wanted something remembered he would ask me to remember (no big deal if I don't) AND we would write it everywhere and hope we don't forget. If he wants to get up at a certain time for work he sets his alarm clock. If I want something specific I ask for it, I don't expect him to know. and we ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS say Please and Thank you to each other. even for trivial things like getting me a pop when he is in the kitchen. I always ask if he would mind getting me a pop please, he says sure thing and I say thank you. I finish making the sandwiches while he is doing laundry he always says thank you. Don't take your partner for granted, if you MUST argue then argue about things that are really important (if there is such a thing). We never fight, it's just not worth it. it is not worth it to waste a day being angry at him (or vice versa) because he didn't put the groceries away or because I didnt clean the kitchen.

If being with someone who loves me and respects me is settling then so be it. I have been in crappy relationship after crappy relationship. My husband is one of the greatest men I have ever known. If not getting material things means I am settling then so be it. Getting a car for your birthday doesnt' show how much he loves you... it just shows that your love can be bought.

[Glacier]

Exactly. It shouldn't be the only indicator. And, when all else is going right, it prolly isn't the only indicator.

I am single. By choice. And, I think I know why. I just see alot of 'settling for' type attitudes here. I am not into excusing other's behaviors, when I don't excuse my own. I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

I didn't settle for anything. I had a serious boyfriend who made a big deal out of special dates--remembered every birthday, gave extravagant gifts, even remembered things like the day we met ect. He was wealthy, good looking, my parents adored him. He was also a liar and a cheat. Couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Wasted 6 years trying to change that in him. I'd much rather have my hubby who can't remember his own b-day let alone mine, but who I can trust without question all the time. When Stuart does send me flowers or something, it's because he wants to, not because he felt he had to or because he felt guilty about something!

If I didn't do the little things in your post, Stuart wouldn't notice. He'd do them himself. At least once a week, he gets frozen pizza for dinner because I don't feel like cooking. Some nights he gets home first and he cooks dinner. I don't do, never have, never will do his laundry. He's a grown man. He can do his own laundry. He doesn't touch my washing either. It will be a cold day in hell before I try to wake him up 20 times for work. I get myself up and off to work. If he doesn't get up, not my problem. He can explain it to his boss, just like I have to on the days I hit the snooze button a dozen times. I'm not his mother and I won't treat him like a child. I don't expect him to take care of me. I have a perfectly good father who did a fine job raising all four of his kids.

We don't have a list of chores or other plan to divide things up. I make substantially more money than he does. I pay most of the bills, including the mortgage and all the vet bills. He maintains my truck and the house. Stuart is much neater than I am. If he thinks the floor needs washing, he does it. I would just step over the mess. I care much more that my dogs have a clean yard than I do about how clean my house is. He doesn't do litter boxes, scoop the dog yard, feed the animals or exercise them. He does build a phenomonal fence whereever I tell him I need one! He does make sure my ATV is running so I can get the dogs out and he is my "handler" in the winter when I'm hooking up a team. He does tons of stuff around the house so I can have enough time to take the dog team out and make sure the non-working dogs get out for their walks. In the end, it might not look equitable, but it all works out.

I don't remember his family's events. I might remind him that his step-mother's b-day is coming up, but I don't go out and buy her a card. I've never met anyone in his family but his father. Occasions mean very little in his family. They are a big deal in my family. I remember my family's special dates and mark them in a way that fits for the person. He doesn't enjoy big family holidays like Christmas. He often stays home alone and cares for the critters while I go see my family.

Stuart was away a couple weeks ago and left me a love note written in the dust on the TV screen and another one in the dog nose prints on the picture window. I left them there for ages because I smiled every time I saw them. Last night he was talking about getting me a diamond blade for my chainsaw. Not quite the diamonds most women want! I'd like a few sparklies myself, but I LOVE using a chainsaw and a diamond blade would make it so much easier and faster! That is what it comes down to--he does things consistently that make my life easier. Even on the days I want to strangle him, he doesn't intentionally set out to make me feel that way!

And really, if there is something I really want, I'll just go buy it myself!

[popcornbird]

I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

This is the EXACT reason I so easily overlook my husband's mistakes. Because he overlooks mine. Because he never holds my faults against me. Because he just laughs, hugs me, and tells me 'Its okay', when I forget to do something I was supposed to. He asked me for a glass of water the other day, as I was heading for the kitchen, and on my way back, I forgot to get it for him. He remembered, but didn't even remind me as he didn't want me to feel bad. I sat with him, talked for like half an hour, before I suddenly remembered and asked him, "Oh my gosh...did I ever get some water for you?" He laughed and said, "Nope...you didn't. Finally you remember!"

Now, someone else may have thought, "What an uncaring wife...I'm thirsty, busy with my work...she's IN the kitchen, and she didn't get me any water." Its EASY to blame others, but the fact is, it is always the intention that counts. I forget. My husband forgets. Sometimes, we even forget to do things for each other. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or care for each other. It just means that he's human and I'm human, and we make mistakes.

I would forgive and forget and compromise for the rest of my life, than to EVER be single again for a moment. Sure, when I'm 'single', I don't have someone to worry about, but the fact is...love is FAR more meaningful than material things, or gifts on 'certain' dates. I love my husband for the sake of who he is, not for what he remembers to buy me. Its the small pleasures in life that are the greatest treasures. Cherish them. I would never hold anger towards my husband. There are times when we do little things that our spouse may not like, but what we should always remember is the love that brought us together, and why we married. I haven't read all the posts here, but really...just like one would love their child unconditionally, the love for the spouse should be the same. After all, it is the love we have for our spouse that leads to having a child and starting a family. Everyone makes mistakes. I stick to my previous opinion. He's your husband. He tried his best. Forgive, forget, and move on.

One thing I must add though...Lobodeb, I do feel your husband needs to drive. He's the husband in the house, and if 'driving and getting things you need' is anyone's responsibility, it is his responsibility above yours, or he should at least help in it. That doesn't mean you should have war with him because of it...just that you should try to convince him. I don't know how easy your husband is to talk to or deal with, but I would never fight over things like this. God doesn't give us life and loved ones to take foregranted.

[Cataholic]

This is the EXACT reason I so easily overlook my husband's mistakes. Because he overlooks mine. Because he never holds my faults against me. Because he just laughs, hugs me, and tells me 'Its okay', when I forget to do something I was supposed to. He asked me for a glass of water the other day, as I was heading for the kitchen, and on my way back, I forgot to get it for him. He remembered, but didn't even remind me as he didn't want me to feel bad. I sat with him, talked for like half an hour, before I suddenly remembered and asked him, "Oh my gosh...did I ever get some water for you?" He laughed and said, "Nope...you didn't. Finally you remember!"

Now, someone else may have thought, "What an uncaring wife...I'm thirsty, busy with my work...she's IN the kitchen, and she didn't get me any water." Its EASY to blame others, but the fact is, it is always the intention that counts. I forget. My husband forgets. Sometimes, we even forget to do things for each other. That doesn't mean we don't love each other or care for each other. It just means that he's human and I'm human, and we make mistakes.

PCB- I appreciate your example, however, that isn't exactly what seems to be going on in Loebedo's house. Of course no one would get 'mad' at you for forgetting a glass of water. And, it is super hard to imagine that someone would think you 'uncaring' over a glass of water. Those ARE silly things. Forgetting something isn't exactly the same thing as overlooking something significant to the other person. Mistakes imply a lack of intent. Loebedo's husband's treatment of Loebedo doesn't seem to be a 'mistake'. It seems intentional.

And, as to Sparks19, I did find your post a tiny bit offensive towards Loebedo. Did I comment on it before? Nope. I 'overlooked' it. I think Loebedo should feel free to vent to us, and I dislike how many of us seem to cruicify her for her feelings. It is like, somehow, that her husband's needs/wants/feelings come before hers.

I hope Loebedo, for Loebedo's sake only, takes anything she finds helpful from these posts, and makes her life a bit more comfortable for her. If she reads these posts and thinks, "Wow, what a load of rubbish", that that helps her to the next place in life.

[catnapper]

Oh wow, another thread thats progressed since last I checked! LOL

Its amazing how everyone has such vastly different expectations and interpretations for what makes a good relationship. But what everyone essentially expects is common respect for each other, consideration for their feelings and their needs, and a daily effort to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

We might not all be in perfect relationships. I love my husband dearly and couldn't imagine life without him -- is he perfect? Not even close! Is he perfect for me? you betcha! 99% of our fights come from lack of communication -- whether he neglects to communicate what his expectations are from me in a given situation or I neglect to tell him. For instance, when I had my surgery a few weeks ago, I REALLY wanted him there, but refused (stubborness) to tell him that. I felt he should have KNOWN I wanted him there. How could he have if I was making the whole thing out to be no big deal? I have already told him in no uncertain terms that if I need to have another surgery that I NEED him there. I'm no mind reader and I'm fairly certain he isn't one either, so why should I make him guess what I want?

Often too, we forget things we normally would not forget. Right now, with stress, I'm SO forgetful - I forget the smallest things like making an important phone call. Hugo is still a baby, and babies are known stressors. So he's trying to work, sleep, take care of his son, take care of his wife, be everything he as before the baby, and finding there's not enough time in the day to be everything before Hugo came along. Energy is low, tension is high. I'd cut him some slack on the birthday thing right now. He did give you a card and did send flowers. At last he did that! If he didn't do those and used only the excuse of his cousin not driving him, THEN I'd be furious because he didn't even try at all.