Would this upset you?

[popcornbird]

I would not be upset at all. In fact, as much as I hope you won't be upset at me for saying this...I do feel your reaction to what he thought to be 'thoughtfulness' is completely ungrateful, as a wife. Love and understanding is not only supposed to come from the man. It goes both ways, and as you are his wife, you should be understanding of him. I sometimes feel us women can be too demanding of our husbands, and give the poor men a hard time.

Women, by nature, are more sentimental than men. Men and women see love from a different light, and what women like are sometimes things men don't care for, or don't remember. That's not because your husband doesn't love you. Its because he's a man. He doesn't think like you do, as he can't. You're a woman, he's a man. You need to learn to deal with that reality. Have you ever read the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? It really helps in giving husbands and wives a deeper understanding of their spouse, and why men and women do things the way they do.

Your husband had written out a loving card to surprise you. He sent you flowers. What more do you expect from him? If he didn't love you, do you really think he would write those mushy, touching things in the card, or send you flowers? He is a human being, and everyone makes mistakes. Husbands and wives have such a deep, close relationship, and because of the intensity of our contact, there's a greater chance of misunderstanding each other. Tolerance, patience, and forgiveness are very important in a marriage, and even more so when there's also a child in the picture.

I personally don't care about birthdays. My birthday is the same day as our wedding anniversary, so there's no way for my husband to forget...but birthdays don't mean much to me. He shows me his love every day of the week. He gets me flowers for no particular reason, or for no particular event...just when he wants to make me feel special. I wouldn't care if he forgot to get me something on a special event. Men don't remember dates like we do. As long as he shows me love, he gets my love. Everyone makes mistakes, and if its your husband who made them, well, forgive him. If this is his only problem, there's no reason to be mad at him. He is your husband, and father of your child. Family should be first to forgive each other, and try to refrain from getting upset for little things.

Also, realistically, the romance and passion we have during the early years of marriage does decrease with time, and if we don't have true love, once the romance lessens, marriages collapse. Romance and gifts should be a part of marriage, but not what its based on, and not the only thing love thrives on. Just think about it. I'm sure he had the best of intentions.

[Edwina's Secretary]

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

[BOBS DAD]

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

Edwina,

Your point is a different and interesting take on the subject. I've thought about it and pondered your sentiment, but I have to say that I think it is more complex than you make it. For instance, it is not a matter of my remembering and learning that is the fundamental difference between my wife and I - and apparently from the previous posts - most men and their wives.

I do remember these dates (but I have to really concentrate, tie strings on fingers, place postits on my computer screen. etc., etc.) and try and buy something that makes my wife happy, send her flowers and what not. But really... I could care less. I would rather we not worry about these "special days". They are just another day to me. I do it because I know it means something to my wife. I mean, it really, really, really means something to her.

I think my family gets more out of anything they may do for me or anything they get me for my birthday than I do. My wife sometimes crys when I tell her that at about 10 or so when I was a kid, my parents stopped doing anything special for we children and definitely did not buy us gifts. We just had our usual dinner and afterwards my brothers and sister would sing Happy Birthday and we all had a great cake that my Mom baked. To me that was normal and I was quite content with it. Anyways, I have to reiterate that I do think women and men are very, very different when it comes to these things and that it is not simply a matter of caring about each other.

But back to Lobodeb... the more I think about it, the less I like the cousin excuse!!! That's just too easy and maybe if nothing else, that may make me more upset/angry than anything else.

And Popcornbird... where were "you" when I was single??? You are like every man's dream wife!!! LOL. Just kidding... but you are quite the exception when it comes to our bad habits and shortcomings!

[Cookiebaker]

what ;an interesting thread. I guess that the only thing there is to be upset about is the underlying attitude, not about the gift itself. For example take two scenarios:

#1 Guy buys his wife roses for her birthday, shows up at the door with flowers behind his back, wife answers the door and says "Ohhh John, why did you do that for?" His reply? "Uhhhhh...it's my duty, and uhhhh....it is your birthday, so I had to buy you something....and I did it because my co-workers were watching....and I thought maybe I would get laid tonight if I made you happy"

#2 Guy buys his wife roses for her birthday, shows up at the door with flowers behind his back, wife answers the door and says "Ohhh John, why did you do that for?" His reply? "Because you are the love of my life, and I wanted to get you the nicest thing that I could think of....because I can't spend a day without you...and because I wanted to please YOU"

The gift is NOT the question, nor the answer. What is the underlying motive?? So to answer your question, no, I would not be upset, because I know for fact that Mark tends to get stumped at buying gifts for me, and it probably was effort for him to think of something that I would like.

I hope things work out for you and your hubby.

[timlewis]

I think u should just get over it myself, not just cause im a guy. I buy my wife everything she wants and then some, but she never goes out and just buys me anything and i could care less. I bought her a Toyota 4 Runner for christmas last year and i cant remember what i got, u should do what we usually do for b-days christmas anniversary ect. i give my wife about $500 dollars a little less or more for christmas and she buys what she wants. She isnt helpless, not saying u are, but she is a grown woman. This year i got Daisy in august for my b-day which is in september, i gave her $300 dollars which is what Daisy cost in september and her b-day is in July. She never said a word except that she didnt care as long as the kids were took care of. The only two gifts i have ever bought her that she didnt know about is the 4 Runner and a charm with my 2 kids picture on it. So no offense but just be happy with what GOD has blessed u with (ur husband and kids), and in my opinion ur not being a DIVA but u are being a BRAT which is what kids are. I hope u dont get mad but u did ask what we thought.

[Pembroke_Corgi]

I guess I have a different opinion than most of the people who posted- I would be upset, and I can understand where you are coming from. I think the thing that would annoy me the most is that he said his cousin couldn't pick him up as an excuse TWICE. And the day before hand. There are other modes of transport in Chicago, like a bus.

I know that no one is perfect, but I do think it's important for people to remember things that are important to their loved ones. Of course it's not the end of the world but I do think telling him how you felt might be a good idea. Maybe he just "doesn't get it."

[K9soul]

I read through this last night before I went to bed and it's been going through my mind since. Probably more than it normally would, since my marriage has fallen through (not by my choice), and I have birthday and holidays facing me within the next few months for the first time by myself.

The thing that my mind keeps going back to is waking up to find the card by your purse. To me that would touch me the most and would mean the most to me. That he made sure to have a card and that it was waiting for you when you got up. Something like that would touch me deeply. Maybe that seems odd to some, I can't really put into words why THAT would be the thing that would stand out to me.

David wasn't great with birthdays, "special" dates and gifts either. It was something that never bothered me because I felt he showed his love for me in so many other ways throughout the year. Most the time he forgot to get me a card at all, and gifts were usually just us being out together and him telling me to pick up something I wanted. In the earlier years, he put more thought into those things, but as time passed he grew more lax about it and it was never something I made much of. The thing I did always wish was that he'd at least remember a card, or a note or something like that, but I never felt angry if he forgot. As I said he did so many other things, both large and small, that showed me my importance to him.

He made no secret of the fact that he really didn't enjoy the chore of birthday/Christmas gift getting and giving. It was a chore to him. The days crept up on him and he'd suddenly find himself the day before or the day of, with no idea what to do and I think it actually stressed him out to a degree.

Not to make it sound as if he was selfish and not giving of himself, he was, and is, a VERY giving and considerate person to those he is close to. Any holiday he is up at the crack of dawn and getting to his mom's house to help prepare and then clean up the meal for the large family gatherings. You never have to ask him twice if you need help with something, even now with he and I that's still true.

Anyway, to cut all these ramblings short, it's the little things that I always tried to look at, that meant the most. I never wanted him to do something for my birthday etc simply because it was expected of him, I never wanted anything he did to be because it was a chore or a task he had to get out of the way. When he did do little things, it was all the more special because I didn't expect it of him.

I guess finally, I just want to urge you, and anyone, to embrace fully the little things, and what you have. Treasure the love and companionship you have and don't let it be mired by failed expectations. It can so suddenly and so easily be gone tomorrow, and you will find yourself wishing with all your heart you had not spent the time stuck in resentment over things that really didn't matter so much.

I'd love to wake up on my birthday, and hear my husband tell me happy birthday and he's sorry he forgot to pick up a card, but that he still loves me.

[Vela]

I agree with cookiebaker, a lot of what popcornbird said, and with a lot of what Tim said. You should try to see the good things in his gestures rather than try to put your values or how you do things onto him. He did a very nice thing, maybe not the way YOU would have done it, but he's not you. I have hardly ever recived flower or cards from my husband of 17 years, but presents and things are not the basis of a marriage. If this is upsetting you so much, perhaps you should try some conseling to get to the bottom of what the issues really are so you guys can figure things out and be happy. Having a baby is often stressful on a marriage so maybe a little counseling would help you gusy out. Good luck.

[Blue_Frog]

Heres my rambling take on it

It sounds like he did try to get you a card and sent flowers to work, but its the excuses about shopping and after the fact gifting sounds a little sucky. I dont know that its the gift that counted, so much as the thoughts and feelings that he put into it thats the problem.

Its a matter of feeling 'wanted' - if someone has to feel bad or guilty about getting me something, or that im a far-flung thought in their busy day, then don't bother with the gift. Seriously - because i'd feel worse that they felt i was an obligation, than if they hadn't bothered at all.

To me though, birthdays and anniversaries aren't all that important if the person does things to show they care throughout the rest of the year - like doing some random niceness things (like coming home to a backrub, or a clean ferret box ), or just finding little things that i might like (the latest thing was a little monkey with velcro feet just because, and a USB extension cable since i complained once that my printer at work didin't have a long enough cable).

Heck, my perfect birthday would be to spend the time with my bf sharing a bottle of scotch and playing video games (and maybe a backrub, that would be good too!)

I'm also guilty of forgetting anniversaries. I guess its along the lines that i gift all year - if i see something that the person would like, then i get it, or i make it, or whatever and don't wait for a special occasion. I'm terrible at last minute shopping or trying to find the 'perfect' gift -- thats why Christmas is always the most stressful time of the year for me.


Sooo... I guess to sum it up, a birthday, anniverary, or any other special holiday that generally warrants a gift shouldn't be the -only- indicator of a person's feelings for you ... at least in my opinion

[sparks19]

Good post Blue Frog. I am like that too. I don't remember dates very well. It took me almost the entire first year of our marriage to remember the date LOL. Then once I figured it out it was easy LOL. My birthday is June 22nd, my Anniversary is August 22nd, my nieces birthday is September 22nd, my dad's birthday is November 22nd. As for the rest. I haven't a clue. I can't remember things like that very easily LOL. My husband and I always make it a point to mention that our birthdays are approaching LOL because we are both VERY forgetful haha

[Cataholic]

Sooo... I guess to sum it up, a birthday, anniverary, or any other special holiday that generally warrants a gift shouldn't be the -only- indicator of a person's feelings for you ... at least in my opinion

Exactly. It shouldn't be the only indicator. And, when all else is going right, it prolly isn't the only indicator.

I am single. By choice. And, I think I know why. I just see alot of 'settling for' type attitudes here. I am not into excusing other's behaviors, when I don't excuse my own. I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

[mugsy]

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

Oh Sara, I am SO glad you said that! Mike had to remind me the first 3 years we were married of our anniversary! He remembers dates really well and it's kind of embarrassing! lol

[Cataholic]

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

I cannot even begin to tell you how right on this post is.

It. Is. An. Excuse. Dress it up in gender issues, cloud it behind "don't sweat the little stuff", or whatever. If it is important to you it should be important enough to him to recognize.

Don't sweat the little stuff? Life it too short? Darn tootin'! Find a man, or woman, or partner, or dog that views life the way you do. Life is too short to spend it with someone that isn't on the same page as you.

Those that say they deal with it? Or, get over it? I would have to imagine that your partner is spot on most of the time, OR, that the issue isn't as big/important to you as it is to the OP. That's fine. But, we are not her.

I would be deeply offended to know MY special day is, frankly, no big deal to my partner.

I think you have EVERY right to be upset/offended, and the no driving thing? Sounds pretty much like a 'core' issue to me. I would bet .02 there is more to that story. I mean more than you know about, really. How long have you two been together? How old is your husband? Off chance- he has a reason he can't drive, i.e., he is prohibited from obtaining a license.....that is how I would see it.