Would this upset you?

[lizbud]

Well, I don't know your husband, but I do reject the idea that all men
are like that, so just deal with it. I would be hurt if that were my husband. It's all of matter of consideration & knowing how much some things
mean to the person they love.They live together, they should know each
others feelings on what's important to their other half. Just my opinion.

[Lobodeb]

Thanks for your comments everyone.

First of all, yes, we are having problems so this could be the tip of the iceburg. Second of all, this isn't about the amount he spent on gifts, but the thought behind them. Third, in the past, he's always been very thoughtful about birthdays, mom's day, valentine's day even easter! He once got mad at me because I didn't wish him a happy Sweetest Day! I never even heard of the day before then.

[catnapper]

My birthday this year? I got a free meal at our favorite restaurant.... and I paid for HIS meal! I didn't get a card. I did get a silly birthday serenade in the morning. Then that was it. His birthday is 10 days after mine so he basically got the same thing that he gave me. Of course our finances are pretty awful right now so there's not much we CAN give each other, but even when we did have some cash in the bank, birthdays, anniversaries, etc were all alike. At Christmas he runs out and gets me the same thing: a new Charles Dickens house for my collection and maybe something else... like last year I wanted a jacket that was on sale. I handed him a slip of paper with the size, color, and location of it in the store. I was soooo surprised when I opened it and it was actually what I'd asked for~ ROTFL

I didn't vote because I wouldn't be upset, but I don't think you're being a diva.

[Dorothy39]

Me and My husbands Birthday are one day apart, so, there's no way he can't remember mine, and , vise versa.

However, If I were to even "think" that he might buy me a card, and then get upset , because he didn't, well, we wouldn't have made it this far!!!!

He is like most men, not wired to think of important dates, but his Heart and Soul is always there for me every single day of the year.


Life is too short, and sooner or later, Birthdays become a blur of smokey candles.

[sparks19]

You are upset because he didn't get you material things? Honestly I wouldn't care if I didn't get anything. I am slightly disturbed by the way you talk about him in your post.

Basically my way of thinking is.... If I expect something from my husband, I WILL TELL HIM. They aren't mind readers. I know my husband has no idea what to get me. I could tell he was a little anxious about christmas this year and what to get me so I offered to give him a Christmas list. Nothing wrong with that, I just understand him and how he is. doesn't mean he loves me any less. I know a lot of women think "well I shouldn't have to tell him what I want he should just know" How is that logical. If your husband got angry at you because you moved something or threw something away you would be upset that he was being so unreasonable. I mean, how are you to know he might need that one day. the same goes for men. You can't be angry at him for not KNOWING what you wanted if you didn't say anything to him about it. it sounds like he works hard as well.

cut him some slack. Material things should not be this important to anyone. To me it is not worth starting a fight with my spouse over something like that. next time tell him what you would like, if he still does nothing then you have every right to be upset, but for now I think you are over reacting. this obviously is not just about the birthday thing though as your words about him are dripping with disdain.

Great post K9Soul. it really is the little things that matter. The little things you will never find with anyone else.

[Prairie Purrs]

I get the impression that a lot of what's bothering Lobodeb isn't so much whether he did "enough" for this particular birthday, but what he did (or didn't do) for her birthday this year as compared to what he's done in the past. And yes, if I were with someone who used to make a big deal about my birthday and is now making lame excuses for why he couldn't get me anything, I'd wonder what his problem was.

I think that how a significant other treats you at birthdays and other holidays can give you some indication of where you stand with him or her. If your SO is extravagant when buying for himself and cheap when buying something for you, that's not a good sign. If she tosses a tantrum if you forget the anniversary of when you first met, but she can never be bothered to remember your birthday, that's a warning. While my ex-husband and I were dating, he insisted two years in a row on celebrating his birthday by going to lunch with his ex-wife. I definitely should have read that sign!

On the other hand, if you have a generally wonderful SO who doesn't give a flying toot about material things and can't even remember his own birthday, then his failure to make a big deal about your birthday wouldn't be worth fussing about.

[Catty1]

I have NEVER heard her and her fiancee say they love each other or even say thank you, or anything nice to each other.

And they're getting MARRIED???

Tell her how much money she'll save on a lawyer if she breaks with him NOW!

[sparks19]

And they're getting MARRIED???

Tell her how much money she'll save on a lawyer if she breaks with him NOW!

PFFT he's the one thats gonna get screwed when they get divorced lol. She is spiteful like that and will take him for everything he's worth. but yes it's a scary thought that they are getting married and this is how they behave towards each other lol.

Catsindenver, you bring up a good point. I didn't get that from the post so I didn't think about that. if he did in fact make an effort before why has he suddenly stopped. What I got from the post is that he has never really put out much of an effort on holidays.

however, I do disagree with you on one point.

I think that how a significant other treats you at birthdays and other holidays can give you some indication of where you stand with him or her.

I think how a SO treats every single DAY is an indication on where you stand with them. If they only put out the effort on special occassions then isn't the gesture a little.... empty? I would rather him forget about my birthday and make his feelings towards me abundantly clear the rest of the year Then have a big deal made of my birthday just so he has a bye for the rest of the year and doesn't have to show how he feels until next year.

[Prairie Purrs]

Catsindenver, you bring up a good point. I didn't get that from the post so I didn't think about that. if he did in fact make an effort before why has he suddenly stopped. What I got from the post is that he has never really put out much of an effort on holidays.

however, I do disagree with you on one point.



I think how a SO treats every single DAY is an indication on where you stand with them. If they only put out the effort on special occassions then isn't the gesture a little.... empty? I would rather him forget about my birthday and make his feelings towards me abundantly clear the rest of the year Then have a big deal made of my birthday just so he has a bye for the rest of the year and doesn't have to show how he feels until next year.

Lobodeb's comment about what he'd done in the past appears in a later post, where she responds to some of the initial comments.

And of course it matters how your SO treats you day to day. But the topic seemed to be birthdays, so I was going with that.

[sparks19]

Lobodeb's comment about what he'd done in the past appears in a later post, where she responds to some of the initial comments.

And of course it matters how your SO treats you day to day. But the topic seemed to be birthdays, so I was going with that.

AH gotcha. I must have missed that post somehow. LOL this thread has been moving fast LOL

[Cataholic]

I get the impression that a lot of what's bothering Lobodeb isn't so much whether he did "enough" for this particular birthday, but what he did (or didn't do) for her birthday this year as compared to what he's done in the past. And yes, if I were with someone who used to make a big deal about my birthday and is now making lame excuses for why he couldn't get me anything, I'd wonder what his problem was.

I think that how a significant other treats you at birthdays and other holidays can give you some indication of where you stand with him or her. If your SO is extravagant when buying for himself and cheap when buying something for you, that's not a good sign. If she tosses a tantrum if you forget the anniversary of when you first met, but she can never be bothered to remember your birthday, that's a warning. While my ex-husband and I were dating, he insisted two years in a row on celebrating his birthday by going to lunch with his ex-wife. I definitely should have read that sign!

On the other hand, if you have a generally wonderful SO who doesn't give a flying toot about material things and can't even remember his own birthday, then his failure to make a big deal about your birthday wouldn't be worth fussing about.

CID- you surely stated it much better than I, and I can tell I touched a nerve in several of you. For those of you that responded to my post, it is obvious you have a wonderful person whose worth isn't measured in one day's activity, etc. Nor, does it appear that the relationship is one-sided, especially yours, Glacier. You have a relationship that sounds nearly perfect.

What the OP was complaining about though, isn't what most of us were responding to. It sounds as if her husband isn't very receptive to her feelings, not very respectful of her feelings. And, that isn't right. If a particular day, event, moment, whatever is important to her- it is important to her. If a certain behaviour is important to her- it is important to her.

Frankly, when one party 'used to do' something, and then there is a change, this situation needs to be addressed, less it develop into a serious matter.

[Glacier]

Nor, does it appear that the relationship is one-sided, especially yours, Glacier. You have a relationship that sounds nearly perfect.

Oh, I wouldn't go that far! It's a good relationship and we've figured out what works for us to keep it that way, but it's far from perfect. Stuart lives with severe chronic pain. Some days that makes him less than fun to live with! I have no doubt that he wonders why he married me sometimes too!

I had really good relationship role models. My parents have been married for over 36 years. Things have not always been easy, smooth or even happy for them, but they've stuck it out, held on to why they got together in the first place. They maintain their own interests and friends, but are still each other's best friend. I want in my marriage what they have.

[Logan]

This year, I had the most disappointing birthday, ever. Did I overreact? You'd better believe I did! My husband thought that my birthday fell on Tuesday, not Monday, as he just got the days wrong, not the date. He committed to do something with his son on the night of my birthday, and it rubbed me wrong, and when he said "We didn't have anything planned that night, did we?", I responded with, "I guess not", and I ended up feeling horrible! My husband doesn't see his children very often, nor is he invited to participate in their lives very often, so I definitely didn't want him to feel guilty about choosing to participate in something his son had invited him to attend. He took my daughter and me out to a nice dinner the night before my birthday and brought me flowers and a special card the night of my birthday. That was enough for me.

He does so many other special things, throughout the year, that remind me that he loves me (so much more than I ever do for him), that I could never feel any resentment towards him. Good heavens, I have reported several things, right here at Pet Talk, that he has done, including a beautiful portrait of our RB Zipper, just this week (in Dog General), and also bringing me our puppy, Mack, after we lost our Zipper.

I think we all need to appreciate the little things and get over the things that don't really matter, such as our birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

Logan

[CathyBogart]

Honestly, while I might be a little miffed, I think I would get over it pretty quickly in light of the cad and the flowers. He was thinking of you, he remembered the day, and if he didn't try to go shopping until the day of...well...it happens to the best of us sometimes.

The fact that he specifically apologized for it says to me that he knew he messed up and he felt bad about it. I know I've procrastinated on important dates before, I'll bet most of us have.

[sparks19]

The only thing I am wondering about.... re read the OP. do you think it is OK to talk about your husband in such a way. The feeling I got from reading that was the she is disgusted with her husband. perhaps it was just that she was angry but I have a hard time believing that such snide comments haven't been thought about before this. Perhaps he doesn't want to do special things anymore because he doesn't get the special treatment he used to. i dont imagine Lobodeb talked to or about him when they first got married the way she talks about him now. In that post alone she has insinuated (sp? lol) that he is lazy, stupid, incompetent, he can't do anything right. What a terrible way to speak about someone you are supposed to love

Again, I know anger can be a powerful thing and makes us say things we don't really mean but that was a very harsh post. I really hope her husband never reads this. I know my husband would be heart broken if I ever talked about him that way.

YES a marriage is 50/50 you have to give a little to get a little, and often it is hard to look at ourselves and see fault in how we are acting.

Lobodeb, you really need to sit down with your husband and TALK to him. No blaming, just talking. Maybe you will find out the answers to your questions. Maybe he is angry at you for some reason. but communication is KEY. If you are angry at him for something YOU need to tell him WHY. You need to tell him how it makes you feel when he does that. If that doesn't work I would seriously recommend marriage counselling. I am sorry if I am over stepping my bounds, I know I don't know you or your situation. this is just the impression I got from your post.

Don't EVER go to bed angry.

If something is bothering you, you MUST tell him. how is he supposed to fix it if you won't talk to him about it.

Life is stressful but you need to be there for each other, not battling each other. He should be your greatest ally.

If you have made every attempt to communicate with him and he is unrelenting and still does the things that upset you, THEN he has NO excuse. but if you are just leaving him to figure it out on his own then you are waiting for a frosty day in h*ll because men aren't mind readers lol Heck they aren't even lip readers (remember communication is not sitting down and blaming him. You can't sit down and say "you do this and this and this and this. you don't do this and this and this and this." have a REAL talk)


Good luck. I hope you guys can work everything out.