Would this upset you?

[caseysmom]

I have been married for 25 years and hubby just isn't good at that stuff, It took me about 18 years to quit getting mad about it.

Sounds like he did leave you a card and he tried to send flowers, sounds like the florist screwed up.

Sorry but most men don't think how we do, that just the way they are built. Not all men so men don't be offended. Women are nurturing and think ahead, we are wired different.

[moosmom]

Caseysmom is right, some men are just not programmed to think that far ahead.

At least he got you something, as late as it might be. It's not worth arguing over or staying mad at him for.

[Glacier]

If I expected Stuart to remember things like my birthday, I'd be choked. However, I got sick of being ticked off when he forgot. He has trouble even remembering what day it is, he is always off by a day or two. I can't remember the last time I got a card from him for any occasion!

So instead of getting mad at him, I take his Visa card (we don't have a joint card so the bill goes solely to him. I have my own card that I pay.) and buy myself whatever I want for my birthday and Christmas. Then I tell him about it later! I got a lovely ring for my b-day this year! His card has purchased my entire Kiefer Sutherland/24 DVD collection! It would be nice if he remembered, but it's never going to happen so this works out for both of us.

Stuart is a good husband in other ways--faithful, trustworthy, hardworking, ect, ect....The gift battle just didn't seem like one worth fighting about.

It sounds like you have bigger issues in your marriage than just that he messed up on your birthday. Maybe this was just the last straw that ticked you off??

[Karen]

Every guy is different. My birthday is impossible for Paul to miss, as it is the day after his mother's and my father's birthday, so we spend time prior to it discussing what to get them. And Paul is always more prepared for these things than I, too.

My dad? Dad is hopeless at these things. He remembers that my birthday is right next to his - just forgets which side it's on! And the rest of my siblings? Nah! If asked, he knows the month, and year - close enough, right? One year, for Christmas, his neighbor bought a calendar for him, then called me and wrote down all the birthdays of the family on the calendar for him. That was the one year he got everyone right! We know he loves us, that's what matters. Birthdays were always Ma's responsibility - and now we know why!

[Lady's Human]

The SOLE reason I remember Jen's birthday is that it's on July 5th. Otherwise I would either forever be in the doghouse, or she would learn to deal with it.

I get my siblings' birthdays wrong, I know the month, that's about it, and I can remember the kids' birthdays every once in a while. It's not neglect, it's not that I don't love them, it just is.

Don't sweat the small stuff, there are enough major problems that come with life. No need to create more.

[Vela]

Well really it's not his fault that the flowers were late, most people procrastinate gift buying so really that's not something to be offended about, he did put a card in your purse, and he did buy you some nice gifts when he was able to go get them. I think you should be grateful your husband does those things at all, most don't, and if he didn't drive before and that was okay with you, it's not something you can get mad about now. I know this may not be the popular thing to say, but I think it's nice he even remembered....many don't try at ALL.

[moosmom]

LH,

Don't sweat the small stuff, there are enough major problems that come with life. No need to create more.

AMEN brother!!!

[mugsy]

Interestingly enough, I think that he was nice enough to get you some nice gifts, but, my husband thinks you have the right to be upset! lol

We have agreed that we don't buy gifts because we are strapped for money and I don't want to feel guilty about spending or receiving. My birthday is on Thursday of this week and Mike agreed to take a class with me, so that's my present and it will cost us $18. My thought is that I am happy just being able to spend time together with him and the dogs.

And like Lady's Human, I say, don't sweat the small stuff and while my husband can irritate the snot out of me, I have come to the conclusion that getting upset over "stupid" stuff just isn't worth it...and not worth fighting or putting my marriage in jeopardy.

And it is true that most men are not as sentimental as women. Although, Mike remembers the day we met...not just the first date....

[BOBS DAD]

I have been married for 25 years and hubby just isn't good at that stuff, It took me about 18 years to quit getting mad about it.

Sounds like he did leave you a card and he tried to send flowers, sounds like the florist screwed up.

Sorry but most men don't think how we do, that just the way they are built. Not all men so men don't be offended. Women are nurturing and think ahead, we are wired different.

I am sorry Lobodeb. I apologize for your husband, myself and all men. I don't think it is right - especially when I hear about it directly from women in stories just like yours - but it just happens to be how most men are. I do think the cousin excuse can be a bit of a crutch, as you say he has access to downtown Chicago. I must admit that I really don't "get" the birthdays, anniversary and various other dates of celebration. I would just as soon forget about them all and just go about living. And yes.. I mean even and maybe especially for myself. I would not care if I NEVER got another gift to commemorate these events. I do remember to get things for my wife... but only because I know it is important to her. I myself don't get it and I have to really force myself to try and remember to remember!!!

[popcornbird]

I would not be upset at all. In fact, as much as I hope you won't be upset at me for saying this...I do feel your reaction to what he thought to be 'thoughtfulness' is completely ungrateful, as a wife. Love and understanding is not only supposed to come from the man. It goes both ways, and as you are his wife, you should be understanding of him. I sometimes feel us women can be too demanding of our husbands, and give the poor men a hard time.

Women, by nature, are more sentimental than men. Men and women see love from a different light, and what women like are sometimes things men don't care for, or don't remember. That's not because your husband doesn't love you. Its because he's a man. He doesn't think like you do, as he can't. You're a woman, he's a man. You need to learn to deal with that reality. Have you ever read the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? It really helps in giving husbands and wives a deeper understanding of their spouse, and why men and women do things the way they do.

Your husband had written out a loving card to surprise you. He sent you flowers. What more do you expect from him? If he didn't love you, do you really think he would write those mushy, touching things in the card, or send you flowers? He is a human being, and everyone makes mistakes. Husbands and wives have such a deep, close relationship, and because of the intensity of our contact, there's a greater chance of misunderstanding each other. Tolerance, patience, and forgiveness are very important in a marriage, and even more so when there's also a child in the picture.

I personally don't care about birthdays. My birthday is the same day as our wedding anniversary, so there's no way for my husband to forget...but birthdays don't mean much to me. He shows me his love every day of the week. He gets me flowers for no particular reason, or for no particular event...just when he wants to make me feel special. I wouldn't care if he forgot to get me something on a special event. Men don't remember dates like we do. As long as he shows me love, he gets my love. Everyone makes mistakes, and if its your husband who made them, well, forgive him. If this is his only problem, there's no reason to be mad at him. He is your husband, and father of your child. Family should be first to forgive each other, and try to refrain from getting upset for little things.

Also, realistically, the romance and passion we have during the early years of marriage does decrease with time, and if we don't have true love, once the romance lessens, marriages collapse. Romance and gifts should be a part of marriage, but not what its based on, and not the only thing love thrives on. Just think about it. I'm sure he had the best of intentions.

[Edwina's Secretary]

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

[BOBS DAD]

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

Edwina,

Your point is a different and interesting take on the subject. I've thought about it and pondered your sentiment, but I have to say that I think it is more complex than you make it. For instance, it is not a matter of my remembering and learning that is the fundamental difference between my wife and I - and apparently from the previous posts - most men and their wives.

I do remember these dates (but I have to really concentrate, tie strings on fingers, place postits on my computer screen. etc., etc.) and try and buy something that makes my wife happy, send her flowers and what not. But really... I could care less. I would rather we not worry about these "special days". They are just another day to me. I do it because I know it means something to my wife. I mean, it really, really, really means something to her.

I think my family gets more out of anything they may do for me or anything they get me for my birthday than I do. My wife sometimes crys when I tell her that at about 10 or so when I was a kid, my parents stopped doing anything special for we children and definitely did not buy us gifts. We just had our usual dinner and afterwards my brothers and sister would sing Happy Birthday and we all had a great cake that my Mom baked. To me that was normal and I was quite content with it. Anyways, I have to reiterate that I do think women and men are very, very different when it comes to these things and that it is not simply a matter of caring about each other.

But back to Lobodeb... the more I think about it, the less I like the cousin excuse!!! That's just too easy and maybe if nothing else, that may make me more upset/angry than anything else.

And Popcornbird... where were "you" when I was single??? You are like every man's dream wife!!! LOL. Just kidding... but you are quite the exception when it comes to our bad habits and shortcomings!

[Cookiebaker]

what ;an interesting thread. I guess that the only thing there is to be upset about is the underlying attitude, not about the gift itself. For example take two scenarios:

#1 Guy buys his wife roses for her birthday, shows up at the door with flowers behind his back, wife answers the door and says "Ohhh John, why did you do that for?" His reply? "Uhhhhh...it's my duty, and uhhhh....it is your birthday, so I had to buy you something....and I did it because my co-workers were watching....and I thought maybe I would get laid tonight if I made you happy"

#2 Guy buys his wife roses for her birthday, shows up at the door with flowers behind his back, wife answers the door and says "Ohhh John, why did you do that for?" His reply? "Because you are the love of my life, and I wanted to get you the nicest thing that I could think of....because I can't spend a day without you...and because I wanted to please YOU"

The gift is NOT the question, nor the answer. What is the underlying motive?? So to answer your question, no, I would not be upset, because I know for fact that Mark tends to get stumped at buying gifts for me, and it probably was effort for him to think of something that I would like.

I hope things work out for you and your hubby.

[timlewis]

I think u should just get over it myself, not just cause im a guy. I buy my wife everything she wants and then some, but she never goes out and just buys me anything and i could care less. I bought her a Toyota 4 Runner for christmas last year and i cant remember what i got, u should do what we usually do for b-days christmas anniversary ect. i give my wife about $500 dollars a little less or more for christmas and she buys what she wants. She isnt helpless, not saying u are, but she is a grown woman. This year i got Daisy in august for my b-day which is in september, i gave her $300 dollars which is what Daisy cost in september and her b-day is in July. She never said a word except that she didnt care as long as the kids were took care of. The only two gifts i have ever bought her that she didnt know about is the 4 Runner and a charm with my 2 kids picture on it. So no offense but just be happy with what GOD has blessed u with (ur husband and kids), and in my opinion ur not being a DIVA but u are being a BRAT which is what kids are. I hope u dont get mad but u did ask what we thought.

[mugsy]

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

Oh Sara, I am SO glad you said that! Mike had to remind me the first 3 years we were married of our anniversary! He remembers dates really well and it's kind of embarrassing! lol