Hubby makes me mad( good update first op )

**shais_mom** · 10-09-2006, 11:25 AM

I'm also a pretty submissive person and will allow people to run over me - but when it comes to my pets that's where I draw the line. Course I've never been in a long term relationship but I also know what I want out of one. Which is probably why I haven't been in one b/c that person doesn't exist!

**popcornbird** · 10-09-2006, 01:40 PM

For those of you who say 'get rid of the husband'...or 'husband's stink'...I must say one thing.

There are also many wives in this world who 'stink', and many husbands have wives who would be nice to get rid off too. Don't make generalizations. There is a HUGE amount of people out there in the world who have a beautiful relationship with their husbands.

Husbands do NOT stink. Bad people stink...whether male or female, husband or wife. Inconsiderate people stink. Unloving people stink. If you are blessed with a GOOD husband, there is hardly anything that could be a greater blessing in this world. I would NEVER choose an animal over my husband. NEVER. Yes I love animals, and would love to have a whole herd of cats in my house, but you know what? My husband comes first. The LOVE he gives me can never be given to me by an animal, no matter what anyone says. There is something special about the love of a good husband, and the love of an animal, no matter how great, cannot compare to the sincere, devoted love of a human being who takes you as the greatest and most dear soul in his life. That being said, I made sure he loved animals, and would be accepting of my pets in the household *before* we got married, because I love animals, and being prevented from them would not be something I could deal with.

I'm not saying there aren't bad husbands out there. There are many...but to lump all husbands in that generallization is nothing less than disgusting.
Marriage is a contract between two people...a contract based on love, affection, trust, sincerity towards each other...and when done properly, there is nothing more beautiful in the world. The problem in this world is that people don't have any toleration for each other. Husbands don't tolerate the wife's wishes. Wives don't tolerate their husband's concerns. Its no wonder the divorce rate is so high. Marriage is beautiful when you make it beautiful...not when you base life on 'expecting' your spouse to give you everything you want. That is immature. No one can have EVERYTHING they want. Though spouses should respect each others' wishes and try their best to do things that would keep their significant other happy, there will come times when either one of the partners will HAVE TO compromise for the other, and sometimes, it is for the best. Where is the love when you can't make compromises for each other? Why are people so selfish? There was a time when family and family life, caring for each other, etc. was supposed to be a top priority for most people in society. Its a sad thing when family members become a last priority. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says 'wrong things' sometimes. You don't get 'rid of' family members unless the situation is severe and incurable. Marriage is not about *he's controlling me* or *she's controlling me*. Its about partnership, and you work through life hand in hand, and make decisions together as a family. The solution to problems is not 'get rid of the husband'...the solution to problems is to communicate and come to a conclusion. Her husband is not abusing her, or hurting her, or speaking harshly with her. A small disagreement on a pet should NEVER lead to getting rid of the husband or wife. My gosh...

Now all this is my general feeling on what people are saying here.

As to your husband, Ashleycat, I don't live in your household to know both sides of the story. I understand you love your bunny, and certainly won't want to get rid of him, but you do have to be mindful of your husband's feelings at the same time. That doesn't mean 'get rid of the bunny'. That just means, try to work things out...and I'm sure you are already doing that. The best thing to do is to talk, talk, talk. Communication in very important in marriage. You tell him what you want, he tells you what he wants, and you come to a joint decision together, somewhere in the middle. Your husband should be mindful of your feelings, but you could also try to reduce the amount you spend on the rabbit where you can.

**emily_the_spoiled** · 10-09-2006, 01:47 PM

If I remember correctly your husband is working as a pharmacist at Walmart right???

If that is the case I have a VERY good idea of how much he makes and the amount you spend on your bunny is a pittance and this is more of an issue of control than money

People here make some valid points, in that a marriage is a contract to be worked out. Unfortunately if one party is intractable it makes it very difficult to work out anything. Only you can make the decisions that will make you happy. But as cyber-smiles wrote "only you can change you" and how you react and what you do in response to this situation.

**shais_mom** · 10-09-2006, 08:20 PM

Originally Posted by popcornbird

For those of you who say 'get rid of the husband'...or 'husband's stink'...I must say one thing.

There are also many wives in this world who 'stink', and many husbands have wives who would be nice to get rid off too. Don't make generalizations. There is a HUGE amount of people out there in the world who have a beautiful relationship with their husbands.

I would NEVER choose an animal over my husband. NEVER. Yes I love animals, and would love to have a whole herd of cats in my house, but you know what? My husband comes first.

Marriage is a contract between two people...a contract based on love, affection, trust, don't get 'rid of' family members unless the situation is severe and incurable. Marriage is not about *he's controlling me* or *she's controlling me*.

w

w pops - you stated your soap box now I'll state mine.
While I have never been married - I think that people that are in a commited equal relationship marriage is great. My parents have a fabulous marriage- my dad respects my mom and dotes on her and is just as in love with her now as he was 45 years ago. That said - that is probably why I haven't found anyone yet b/c I want someone that treats ME that way. My sister is married and quite frankly she needs to get a backbone b/c she isn't treated very well by her husband OR now her children. I will not let that happen to me. My dad jokes that he spoiled me growing up that I'll never find a man that does for me what he did and that is why I haven't found anyone. HE jokes - but the fact of the matter is - it rings with cold hard truth. I was raised to be respected in if I don't always respect myself - unfortunately my sister didn't follow their lead.

Her husband is not abusing her, or hurting her, or speaking harshly with her.

Actually in my opinion his attempt at controlling her and him leaving with the bunny is a form of abuse - mental and emotional which while they don't bear the physical signs is some of the worst kind. He has her believing she isn't worthy and in order to have his love she must get rid of the animals and that is wrong.
A lot of other people said that their significant other has stated - "it" goes or I go - but very few have had them follow thru with it. These are the ones that attempt controlling and are challenged and back down. He actually tried to follow thru with it. In your case you say that your husband comes first and that's all well and good but in Ashley's case - SHE needs to come first. B/c his behaivor can only escalate. She stated that she saw her mom live thru it and in a lot of cases young women/kids are attracted to what their parents had - in her case her mother's relationship and in my case - my parents have a great marriage - keep in mind I didn't say perfect either.

**Catty1** · 10-09-2006, 08:33 PM

Ashley - at least in the counselling - maybe there can be an agreement for a temporary separation until he demonstrates he has changed.

Sounds like you and your daughter and the pets could use a break!

I do wish you both the best, and am glad you are BOTH seeing the counsellor.

I don't mean to offend - but I saw a cartoon in New Woman magazine about 20 years ago. A woman was standing at an ironing board working away, and calling out to her tv-watching husband in the other room: "I want a divorce - but I'll stay on as housekeeper for $800 a month."

Of course, rates HAVE gone up!

hugs!

**ashleycat** · 10-09-2006, 08:42 PM

Originally Posted by Catty1

Ashley - at least in the counselling - maybe there can be an agreement for a temporary separation until he demonstrates he has changed.

Sounds like you and your daughter and the pets could use a break!

I do wish you both the best, and am glad you are BOTH seeing the counsellor.

I don't mean to offend - but I saw a cartoon in New Woman magazine about 20 years ago. A woman was standing at an ironing board working away, and calling out to her tv-watching husband in the other room: "I want a divorce - but I'll stay on as housekeeper for $800 a month."

Of course, rates HAVE gone up!

hugs!

ha ha ha ha.. That's funny.

**Cataholic** · 10-10-2006, 09:37 AM

As one of my bosses loves to say, "the truth comes out in layers". I do NOT mean that you were lying- not at all. Just that the snippet you told in the OP was FAR from how abusive things actually are.

I **knew** there was more, as most 'loving' people don't act like this to one another. You are in a mess of a situation. Uneducated, young (or, it seems), no job and a child. Your husband probably recognizes this, so, he walks all the heck over you, knowing you can't do much about the situation. Shame on him.

But, that doesn't change what you need to do- first, protect your daughter. She is entitled to a home environment free from adults kicking chairs, flinging sandals, taking pets from the home, whatever. (And, btw, why would your daughter be in daycare if you don't work outside the home???? What an expenditure). You need to go back to school. Okay, you got pregnant in your first semester. Last I checked, pregnancy takes 9 months...so, you could have had most of a year done, if not all of it. How old is your daugher? Why haven't you gone back? I do think you are in a bad situation, but, don't make it worse on yourself by playing the victim.

And, whatEVER would make you decide to go get a tatoo, with your child, when money is 'tight' (wasn't that the reason for the bunny?). Really, if I was running around town, with my toddler in tow, getting my second tatoo, maybe my husband would be a little upset, too.

**shais_mom** · 10-10-2006, 09:56 AM

[QUOTE=Cataholic] Just that the snippet you told in the OP was FAR from how abusive things actually are.

[QUOTE]
I think anytime there is an ultimatum and the person follows thru - at the expense of an innocent animal and a child involved - is abuse.
And if she allows things to escalate I see them getting ugly.

**pitc9** · 10-09-2006, 03:39 PM

Originally Posted by shais_mom

I'm also a pretty submissive person and will allow people to run over me - but when it comes to my pets that's where I draw the line.

Ditto here!

My hubby and I have been together for 13 years (married for 5 of those years) and we've never had "the perfect" marriage.
We have to work Very hard to keep the peace.
Enter Buddy in December of 2002.
Yikes!

Buddy H-A-T-E-D him from the get go. Rick (the hubby) told me to get rid of him. Rick is the only person the Buddy has snapped at, and he did it twice in the first year.
Needless to say our Bad marriage got worse and one night we had it out, he said if you love the dog that much then leave and take him with you. So the next morning he left for work and I started packing. He came back home 2 hours later and asked where I was going. DUH!!
So... 3 1/2 years later, Buddy hates Rick, Rick hates Buddy and they're both still here! But the door's still open for the Hubby to leave if he wants to!

Something that means so much should never be forcefuly taken away from you by someone that loves you.

**ashleycat** · 10-09-2006, 06:19 PM

actually he works for WalGREENS lol and is pharmacist manager

yesturdays battle... I wanted to get my 2nd tattoo. A small closed wing butterfly on each shoulder to match the one I already have. He tells me, if I get another tattoo, he will get rid of my bunny.

I told him he can't tell me what I can and can't do to my body. If he wants to have tons of tattoos, or whatever to his body, then so be it if it makes him happy.

He is my husband, not my father. But most of the time, I feel like he is my father.

So, after I told him he can't tell me what I can't do. I shoved his chair, and kicked off my sandles which went flying. I got DD ready to go, went to park, went to mall, but the child area was closed. Tried to see a movie, but she woudln't sit still. Went to a park again and played. Then we sat in the car for a while. I was gone for about 4 hours or so. Then I cam home. We haven't spoke since.

then today... I get up and wash the car. I see tom head out with my bunny. Getting ready to take her to the pound.

I told him I didn't get the Fn tattoo. HOw am I supposed to get one with a Fn 2 year old with me??

So he put her back.

the tatt isn't important. What got me is the control issue and that he is using my pets to do so.

I don't think he will change. I can't put up with it AND be happy. I hate feeling like a child. I had a dad. I want a husband, not a father. So my option would be to leave. I just need to figure out what and how I'm going to do.

I'm the one that's starting to get violent towards him. I didn't even cry about the above. I just got really mad. So what does that mean?

**caseysmom** · 10-09-2006, 06:23 PM

Well my sister won't let her husband get a tattoo if that makes you feel any better.

I honestly don't know what to tell you but him taking the bunny because of the tattoo is pretty mean spirited.

**ashleycat** · 10-09-2006, 06:30 PM

but do the spouses have any right to tell the other they can't get one? I'm sure they have a right to tell them how they feel. But to tell them they CAN'T. I don't get it.

I still can't beleive he was taking off with my bunny.

**caseysmom** · 10-09-2006, 06:33 PM

No honestly its your body but if my husband was really against a tattoo I probably wouldn't get one because harmony in your marriage is more important.

**ashleycat** · 10-09-2006, 06:35 PM

I didn't get it cus I didn't want Annie going anywhere.

I mean, it's not like I'm betting something huge, it can easily be covered by a shirt. I already have one.