Venting

[slleipnir]

Your present, agonizing relationship with your Mother must feel so heartbreaking.

While I'm not , in any way, a professional counsiler, I couldn't help but read into your despair ie: "I know that their are many people with ACTUAL problems.


You are SAD and FRUSTRATED!!!! You need a to feel A continuous, strong bond with your Mother. Your problem can never be compared to any one elses, It can't be minimized. iT IS YOURS, AND IT HURTS.


I'm very sorry that you missed out on that eagerly awaited dinner with your Mother and you Aunt. You have every right to feel "left out' , forgotten , ignored, overlooked etc.


To get to the point of my humble reply,

My advice would have to be, "seek counseling ", if only for yourself.

This is not just an old friend, this is your MOTHER!!!! And, you will always love her!!!

I hope and Pray that the two of you can come to terms with the remarkable bond that is still in place.

I don't see how a counseller can help me if my mom doesn't come to. She says it's my problem, but she is the source of it. I think it's something we both need. I have seen people before, and I don't find they helped me that much. I find it very hard to express how I'm feeling, in person, with someone I don't know.

[gini]

I am going to try to say these things just as gently as I possibly can.

You want your Mother to love you.
You want your Mother to listen to you.
You want to spend quality time with your Mother.
You want her to invite you to dinner and mean it.
You want her to remember what you say to her
and have her respond.
You want your Mother to respect you as her daughter.
You want your Mother to care about your feelings.

and again..........

You want your Mother to love you.

It does not seem as though your Mother is capable of giving you
any of the above.

You cannot will or wish or dream or wave a magic wand to make your Mother
what you want her to be.

As a result this then becomes YOUR problem. Believe me I don't mean this harshly in any way. You cannot change her or fix her so having her go to a counselor with you will not solve YOUR problem. She clearly has problems, but first she has to recognize that she DOES have problems for HER to deal with her own and you can't, no matter how hard you try, lead her to face them.

You are so deliciously young - and have your whole life ahead of you and it is urgent that you break this cycle - or it will continue for years - you constantly being hurt and trying to figure out why your Mother cannot be different and be the Mom you want. It will interfere with all other relationships you may have in the future.

Yes, it is very difficult to get counseling - why? Because it is painful to get to the depth of your feelings. But that is where the answers for you will come from. You own these feelings - and you need to be able to understand them and feel them.

For your own future well being I hope you will consider counseling because you can be provided with new ideas and ways to handle your thoughts and relationship with your Mother and be able to deal with the depression that comes after an encounter with her. This is YOUR life - not HERS and you deserve to have a healthy outlook on life and be happy.

Is it possible for you to sit down on a one to one with your Dad and ask him questions about your Mom? He just might be able to give you some insight into why she is the way she is - even a little information could be helpful to you.

I feel for you - your writings are so heartfelt - direct - and clear. I would encourage you to start a journal - and write what you feel - those thoughts that you don't share with anyone. This would be YOUR journal and in it you can say whatever you want, no matter how awful it may seem to put down on paper.

I wish you courage and you will be included in my prayers.

[momoffuzzyfaces]

OUCH! Does this hurt and bring back memories!!!

I used to always have Thanksgiving at my dad and step mom's house.
One year he called and told me he didn't want me to come. I was crushed to say the least.

On Thanksgiving day, my step mom called asking where I was. I told her dad didn't want me there. That's when I first learned he was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. It still hurt though. Almost as much as when he and mom forgot my 10th birthday but remembered my brother's who's is 10 days later.

It just hurts and sucks when parents do things like that and even worse when they don't understand why it hurts us.

(((HUGS)))

[Cataholic]

Audrey,
I hope you know how very precious you are to me. I hurt that you hurt. I cannot understand parents that don't relish the time they have with their children, and especially a child your age. At a time where kids your age RUN from their parents, all you want is closeness. That hurts.

Honey, like Gini said, and she said it WAY better than I....you can't 'make' someone conform to your standards. And, your standards are appropriate. It is hers that are sadly lacking. To hear that your father took in her child from another relationship tells much.

You will do what you will do. But, I might suggest you take a deeper look at your brother's actions. To keep doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result is sheer madness. You say you can't...but, I know you can....you need to, at least for now, walk away from that, towards someone that can love you/appreciate you/treat you like you deserve.

Don't let this set the tone for one diasterous relationship after another. Get used to this idea: You, Audrey, deserve better.

Love,
Johanna

[slleipnir]

It hurts because I don't think she was always like that...maybe it was because I was young and didn't notice...but I think she use to be a lot nicer which is why I feel she has changed...

[dukedogsmom]

I've read this and just didn't know what to say. But I didn't want you to think I didn't care, either. I'm sorry your relationship is suffering. Do you think she would ever agree to go to counseling with you? I think you both could benefit from it and maybe it would clear the air. Seems like you both have a different definition of caring, maybe? Or maybe she doesn't want to realise how bad it's gotten and that's why she changes the conversation on you.