Why couldn't I just...

[Logan]

I remember my minister telling Scott and me, in our premarital counseling, 3 1/2 years ago, that the hardest part of our marriage would always be blending our families and handling life with each other's children. How right he was! And I cannot tell you the number of times, especially the first couple of years, that I thought that I would not survive it and I questioned my decision. What I realized is that I was trying to hold them up to the standard I had set for my own child. They have different personalities, and come from a different situation. I'm still guilty of doing that sometime, but I'm better, and try to treat each one individually. I don't want to be their mother, but I do want them to not make our lives a living hell when they are with us. We get such precious few days each month with them, anyway. And once we got past that, after much discussion, and I realized that this had not just been a big adjustment for my daughter and for me, but for all of them as well, we did better. And now I don't hesitate to speak up to them when things get a bit rocky. It will never be easy, but of course, if I had 3 children of my own, it wouldn't be easy! I was just spoiled from having one pretty good child, all to myself, for over 10 years. Our children are 15 (my daughter), 13 (his daughter) and 11 (his son). They're good kids, but like Gini said, they are kids. We are adults and it is up to us to behave accordingly and work through things with the children.

I have been so fortunate that my daughter's father and I, along with his wife, have always been able to work together, without harsh words, on Helen's behalf. It has made a world of difference. She has never heard any criticism from any of us about the other, nor has she heard it from relatives. And the result is a well-adjusted, happy teenager, who really hasn't given us much grief at all.

Is this really going to end your marriage? If I'm getting too personal, don't worry about answering. It just seems to me that if this one incident could cause your husband to not want to be married, then you probably don't need to be married to him. Or has this been building up for a while?

I send you my prayers and best wishes. Fight for this marriage to work if you love your husband. And remember, this child is a part of him, and you knew that when you married him. She will grow up too soon and be gone before you know it.

Logan

[lizbud]

...that sound like pretty good advice, but you seemed almost sarcastic in your opening post??? I guess I should read on before commenting any further!!!

Not one posting seemed the least bit sarcastic to me.

I think everyone should read ALL previous posts.,and re-read them if
necessary, before making such a comment. Unless you're big on 'stream
of consciousness type' postings.

[momoffuzzyfaces]

As a step kid myself, I can tell you that kid is playing you like a violin. I was just 13 when my mother died and 16 when dad remarried. Suddenly after 3 years of more or less answering to no one other than my dad, here was this strange woman in my face trying to make me answer to her. If she had ever bothered to talk to me instead of ordering me around and being in my face, well, things would have been different, probably. Throw in her two daughters, and, well, things were explosive for a long long time. Oddly now, we are friends to some extent.

There's the ever poplular: I don't have to listen to you, you are not my mother tantrum.

And the Dad said I could do this or that line. (Or in my case, I just told them I was doing something because I had not had to ask permission before my step mom came on the scene and I wasn't about to start now.)

Throw in an assortment of kin on both sides all with opinions on what YOU should do, and you pretty much are sitting on a powder keg with the fuse lit anyway you look at it.

Anyway, talking to her couldn't hurt and may help lots.

[Queen of Poop]

Not one posting seemed the least bit sarcastic to me.

I think everyone should read ALL previous posts.,and re-read them if
necessary, before making such a comment. Unless you're big on 'stream
of consciousness type' postings.

Thank you. I was NOT being sarcastic at all. Rather hard to do that when you're crying your face off. Today, Friday is the first day I feel even half alive again. I feel awful for losing my cool with her.

[BOBS DAD]

Not one posting seemed the least bit sarcastic to me.

I think everyone should read ALL previous posts.,and re-read them if
necessary, before making such a comment. Unless you're big on 'stream
of consciousness type' postings.

I don't know what Stream of Consciousness is??? But you are correct that I should have read all of the posts before jumping into the discussion. If you looked to the very next posts you will see that I did just that...

OK... I have a better grasp of things now! Sorry to have jumped the gun. Karen's advice (as everyone's) is also quite good....

I guess what I meant to say was not "sarcasm" but rather I detected some some bitterness (not that it is not warranted) in Queen's original post and not total remorse for what has transpired (again - not that she should have). I only suggested that if she was sincere in any effort to reconcile and start over - Queen would have to let go of it. As Gini correctly points out - "we" being parents and step-parent "need to be the adult" and be bigger and perhaps swallow our pride in an effort to get back on track.

So now apparently she's had a problem with me for several months. Well sweetheart. From Feb 27 till May 9 I was fighting for my life with the lump in my left breast. I lost 1/3 of my breast, I'm a small girl, fortunately it wasn't cancer - yet. Sorry, Alex, if you weren't the centre of attention. Following that I've been nothing but happier than a pig in sh*&. Looking so forward to the holiday that she ruined by bawling for her mother. I totally blame her and her Aunt Dana for poisioning her against me. So my marriage will end on the comments of a 13 year old girl influenced by her 37 year old aunt.

Soon to be a 2 time loser.

Thanks for letting me vent. Now if I could only stop crying.

I am only saying that IMO in order to even attempt a reconciliation, an acceptance of what is (regardless of "how" it got that way) has to be in place and a realization that "she is 13" and is going to be a teenager for another 6 years. If my misuse of the noun "sarcasm" seemed totally inappropriate, I apologize. Hopefully Queen can get off on a new foot and begin the journey towards a more healthy relationship and long marriage!!!

[Queen of Poop]

So, here are the conditions under which I can rejoin my family. I would appreciate any comments.

1. I need to apologize to the kids. And they need to know that I love them, they're not so sure about this.

2. Hubby will find a family counsellor after holidays and the entire family will go.

3. After vacation he will continue to live at our lake house until we believe that our marriage is no longer in jeopardy and the kids feel happy and secure.

4. If I feel stressed out I must leave.

5. We must all enjoy the remainder of the vacation and be happy as individuals so we can be happy as a family.

[Logan]

Letting them know that you are sorry if you have said or done something that has hurt them in any way is a good thing to do. But, I also think they they should be asked (by your husband) to consider whether they might have done anything to hurt you, as well. Perhaps the counselling will accomplish this.

I do think that living seperately is the wrong thing to do. If you guys are committed to marriage, then this is sending mixed signals to those children and making them feel even more insecure than ever.

Count to ten or take a walk outside, away from the others, but leaving, as in going somewhere else, is again, wrong, in my opinion. I've had to do the time outs myself, over the years, to not say something that I shouldn't, or to get my emotions in check. But leave?? Never.

Do try and do your best to communicate and enjoy the vacation.

I think you guys have some major work ahead of you, but if you love your husband, and I think you do, you can come to some peace, and the children need to be a part of that.

Again, best wishes. I hope that you can work it out. Stable relationships are good for us as adults, and I think they are very, very important for the children, too.

Logan

[BOBS DAD]

Letting them know that you are sorry if you have said or done something that has hurt them in any way is a good thing to do. But, I also think they they should be asked (by your husband) to consider whether they might have done anything to hurt you, as well. Perhaps the counselling will accomplish this.

I do think that living seperately is the wrong thing to do. If you guys are committed to marriage, then this is sending mixed signals to those children and making them feel even more insecure than ever.

Count to ten or take a walk outside, away from the others, but leaving, as in going somewhere else, is again, wrong, in my opinion. I've had to do the time outs myself, over the years, to not say something that I shouldn't, or to get my emotions in check. But leave?? Never.

Do try and do your best to communicate and enjoy the vacation.

I think you guys have some major work ahead of you, but if you love your husband, and I think you do, you can come to some peace, and the children need to be a part of that.

Again, best wishes. I hope that you can work it out. Stable relationships are good for us as adults, and I think they are very, very important for the children, too.

Logan

I can't add anything more. I really believe Logan is right on with this advice - point by point. Perhaps you can broach these suggestions with your husband. Let's be fair now - he doesn't / shouldn't get an automatic pass on all of this. For God's sake you two are MARRIED - he needs to be in it with you - to and through the end!!!

[BOBS DAD]

OK...

Maybe "I" should just keep my mouth shut BUT...

I've gone back to work and just couldn't get this out of my head. I am sorry but "NOBODY" should be putting out any "TERMS" to "GET BACK INTO THE FAMILY"!!! A family has to be "A FAMILY" through thick and thin. That is just not right. Again, we are only seeing/hearing/reading a brief glimpse into what you are going through and certainly do not know all the details, but hopefully "these terms" were not spelled out for you just as you have relayed them to us.

A MARRIAGE is a partnership. Nobody is or should be a DICTATOR. Hopefully after some cooling off "You and Your Husband" will be able to sit down and talk this through and AGREE on an appropraite plan or course of action for reconciliation "that meets EVERONE'S needs".

Good luck!!!

[K9soul]

OK...

Maybe "I" should just keep my mouth shut BUT...

I've gone back to work and just couldn't get this out of my head. I am sorry but "NOBODY" should be putting out any "TERMS" to "GET BACK INTO THE FAMILY"!!! A family has to be "A FAMILY" through thick and thin. That is just not right. Again, we are only seeing/hearing/reading a brief glimpse into what you are going through and certainly do not know all the details, but hopefully "these terms" were not spelled out for you just as you have relayed them to us.

A MARRIAGE is a partnership. Nobody is or should be a DICTATOR. Hopefully after some cooling off "You and Your Husband" will be able to sit down and talk this through and AGREE on an appropraite plan or course of action for reconciliation "that meets EVERONE'S needs".

Good luck!!!

I have to say I agree with this. The "terms" just leave a bad taste in my mouth, as if only you are to work on these issues and any compromising. I'm sure apologies are in order but not just from you. I'm sure they are owed on the part of everyone to some degree. I also really, really think that him staying at the other house is not going to help work anything out. It seems to me that he will be giving the kids the message that you are "the wrong one" and have to earn your way back to the family. I don't really know if that is how he intended it to sound, but from what you write here that is the impression I get. It takes compromise and better understanding on EVERYONE'S part in these situations. No one should have "terms" spelled out for them to follow, but instead mutual agreements made..

Just my opinion.

[Lizzie]

What I get from your post about the guidelines is that you are extremely bitter about your being seen by your husband as the "outsider" to his family. While counselling for the whole family is a good idea and, hopefully, will give you the pleasure of seeing your husband and step-daughter queried on their behavior, I feel that you need your own counselor. You are not going to be able to vent, as you really need to at this time, at the family counselling meetings without being seen as the aggressive outsider, so a time to say what you please about the family you have married into would be a welcome relief to you. There is a lot of anger in you that needs to come out before family counselling can heal the breaches. This is all IMHO, of course.

If you follow the guidelines of your husband staying at the cabin and your leaving if you lose your cool again, you are being punished for what is actually a family problem and it may well be seen by your step-daughter as a victory.

I am also a step-daughter, to give some background. Amazingly, gini and I share the same age when we lost our mothers and we were both sent to live with a maternal aunt and uncle. Unfortunately, my father re-married when I was 3-1/2, and my world turned into a nightmare. I was a very difficult teenager also - not overtly, but quietly. Decades later, my step-mother tries to talk to me in a confidential way, but the opportunity for us to be close was lost long ago. If she had opened up, apologised for her irrational temper tantrums, psychogical games, etc., it might have relieved my anxiety and created a bond that lasted. Being a step-child is scary and makes a child feel destablished.

[momoffuzzyfaces]

Being a step-child is scary and makes a child feel destablished.

I couldn't agree more! I think it's specially hard if one of your parents has died. You are afraid the new step parent will take your only remaining parent away too!

[Logan]

I was so quick to respond to the actual "terms" you posted, I didn't concentrate on the fact that you had been dealt terms to start with. Is that what happened? Or is this what the two of you agreed to, together? There is an enormous difference in him dictating or the two of you coming up with these things together. I hope the latter is the case.

(((((((((Queen))))))))))) I think you need those most of all right now.

Logan

[catnapper]

Wow, I hd no idea this fight led to such drastic measures... I honestly thought you were being emotional from the fight and FELT like your marriage was ending, not that it turly WAS. ((hugs))

As for appologising: You can, and it might help, but seriously, I hope your SD is appologising for her part in it too. I highly doubt she will applogise though! Hubby needs to step in and do all the talking. and create a united front (much easier said than done, especially since half the time my hubby and I aren't on a united front!)

I remember some of my big fights with Ashley. I remember clearly her folding her arms and staring at the floor when we'd have a "family meeting". I told her that no matter what she does/did, that I'd still be here. I'm not going anywhere, so her actions will NOT push me away, no matter WHAT she'd do, I was there. I married her dad, but I also married her and her siblings. I am there beause I love all of them. A whole package. If she felt unloved, then what was it I needed to change to make her feel loved? What could I do to help her see I cared? I never did get and answer from her on those questions. In the end, what worked for Ashley was getting pregnant at 18... wow was that a wakeup call! She finally saw that I was serious all along and that I'd support her regardless what happens.

Gosh, I wish hubby would have agreed to counseling way back in the beginning. We needed it. but he felt counseling was a "joke" when everyone needed to "stop acting like idiots" He did nothing to help the situation between Ashley and me. He basically let us go at each other and said "talking to her will help" How do you talk to a brick wall? It was so bad around here that for the past year, we basically lived in the same house and had nothing to do with the other. No goodmorning or goodnight. She lived here and occupied space while I tried to tip toe around her. I can't tell you how amazing its been since she got pregnant... I always figured she'd realize I loved her once she had kids of her own. I never imagined she'd be a teen mom!

~~~~~

I see things I did when we were newly married and I know I'd do them VERY differently today. I came in and tried to make things MY way. How awful of me! They'd been used to their routine forver and I came in and turned things inside out! I am so sorry I did that. Why did I do it? Basically, I have no diea! I guess I felt it was my house and I had to carve my space in it? Make THEIRS into OURS? I don't know. I do know I regret some of the things I did to make changes to proove I was here. This is probably where Ashley's annimosity started. She was used to her role in the family and I came along and stripped her of her identity within the home. I didn't even explain why I was doing it or gave her the option to defend her role.. I just stripped her of it without realizing what I was doing. I can see where that would hurt a 13 year old (heck, it would hurt me as a 33 year old!)

I feel your pain. I was there and its still raw at times. I have a MUCH better relationship with Ashley now that she has the baby, but I still have a rocky one with my stepson. We'll get there some day, when something happens that makes him realize I care just like Ashley did. then I have the third stepkid who has always been my buddy. Go figure

I hope this novel helped you a little ((Hgus))

[Queen of Poop]

The terms were dictated to me by my husband. I have agreed to them on the principle that we as a family need counselling. I have been pushing this for years to no avail. I myself have been seeing a counsellor but without the rest of the family doing the same I felt my efforts were futile. If this were a new situation it would be easy to figure it out. But I've been around since the kids were 6 and 8 (currently 13 and 15). So why there are issues now I can only put it to them being teenagers. I have done all I can for these kids every time. Example: to encourage better grades in my step-son I agreed to pay him $100 if he made the honor roll. But that he'd have to pay me the same if he didn't make it. Out of 3 terms he only made it once, so he paid me. Their mom is still very much in the picture, we sit together at kid hockey games, dance recitals, family dinners, etc. She does need to stop begging the kids, especially the daughter, not to leave her to come for her time with us, that is not helping.

I thank everyone so much for their input. It is really great to hear the different sides, the step parents and the step kids. Life is never easy, but it helps to have good friends to give you constructive feedback.