Why couldn't I just...

[BOBS DAD]

Gayle ~ You don't owe us any apology or explanation. If you feel you were out of line, please tell your step daughter. I'm sure she'd love to hear an apology (if you think you owe her one). It will be a good lesson for her to realize that adults make mistakes and take responsibility for them.

Give her and yourself a big hug. It will all be alright.

...that sound like pretty good advice, but you seemed almost sarcastic in your opening post??? I guess I should read on before commenting any further!!!

[lizbud]

...that sound like pretty good advice, but you seemed almost sarcastic in your opening post??? I guess I should read on before commenting any further!!!

Not one posting seemed the least bit sarcastic to me.

I think everyone should read ALL previous posts.,and re-read them if
necessary, before making such a comment. Unless you're big on 'stream
of consciousness type' postings.

[momoffuzzyfaces]

As a step kid myself, I can tell you that kid is playing you like a violin. I was just 13 when my mother died and 16 when dad remarried. Suddenly after 3 years of more or less answering to no one other than my dad, here was this strange woman in my face trying to make me answer to her. If she had ever bothered to talk to me instead of ordering me around and being in my face, well, things would have been different, probably. Throw in her two daughters, and, well, things were explosive for a long long time. Oddly now, we are friends to some extent.

There's the ever poplular: I don't have to listen to you, you are not my mother tantrum.

And the Dad said I could do this or that line. (Or in my case, I just told them I was doing something because I had not had to ask permission before my step mom came on the scene and I wasn't about to start now.)

Throw in an assortment of kin on both sides all with opinions on what YOU should do, and you pretty much are sitting on a powder keg with the fuse lit anyway you look at it.

Anyway, talking to her couldn't hurt and may help lots.

[Queen of Poop]

Not one posting seemed the least bit sarcastic to me.

I think everyone should read ALL previous posts.,and re-read them if
necessary, before making such a comment. Unless you're big on 'stream
of consciousness type' postings.

Thank you. I was NOT being sarcastic at all. Rather hard to do that when you're crying your face off. Today, Friday is the first day I feel even half alive again. I feel awful for losing my cool with her.

[Queen of Poop]

So, here are the conditions under which I can rejoin my family. I would appreciate any comments.

1. I need to apologize to the kids. And they need to know that I love them, they're not so sure about this.

2. Hubby will find a family counsellor after holidays and the entire family will go.

3. After vacation he will continue to live at our lake house until we believe that our marriage is no longer in jeopardy and the kids feel happy and secure.

4. If I feel stressed out I must leave.

5. We must all enjoy the remainder of the vacation and be happy as individuals so we can be happy as a family.

[Logan]

Letting them know that you are sorry if you have said or done something that has hurt them in any way is a good thing to do. But, I also think they they should be asked (by your husband) to consider whether they might have done anything to hurt you, as well. Perhaps the counselling will accomplish this.

I do think that living seperately is the wrong thing to do. If you guys are committed to marriage, then this is sending mixed signals to those children and making them feel even more insecure than ever.

Count to ten or take a walk outside, away from the others, but leaving, as in going somewhere else, is again, wrong, in my opinion. I've had to do the time outs myself, over the years, to not say something that I shouldn't, or to get my emotions in check. But leave?? Never.

Do try and do your best to communicate and enjoy the vacation.

I think you guys have some major work ahead of you, but if you love your husband, and I think you do, you can come to some peace, and the children need to be a part of that.

Again, best wishes. I hope that you can work it out. Stable relationships are good for us as adults, and I think they are very, very important for the children, too.

Logan

[BOBS DAD]

Letting them know that you are sorry if you have said or done something that has hurt them in any way is a good thing to do. But, I also think they they should be asked (by your husband) to consider whether they might have done anything to hurt you, as well. Perhaps the counselling will accomplish this.

I do think that living seperately is the wrong thing to do. If you guys are committed to marriage, then this is sending mixed signals to those children and making them feel even more insecure than ever.

Count to ten or take a walk outside, away from the others, but leaving, as in going somewhere else, is again, wrong, in my opinion. I've had to do the time outs myself, over the years, to not say something that I shouldn't, or to get my emotions in check. But leave?? Never.

Do try and do your best to communicate and enjoy the vacation.

I think you guys have some major work ahead of you, but if you love your husband, and I think you do, you can come to some peace, and the children need to be a part of that.

Again, best wishes. I hope that you can work it out. Stable relationships are good for us as adults, and I think they are very, very important for the children, too.

Logan

I can't add anything more. I really believe Logan is right on with this advice - point by point. Perhaps you can broach these suggestions with your husband. Let's be fair now - he doesn't / shouldn't get an automatic pass on all of this. For God's sake you two are MARRIED - he needs to be in it with you - to and through the end!!!

[BOBS DAD]

OK...

Maybe "I" should just keep my mouth shut BUT...

I've gone back to work and just couldn't get this out of my head. I am sorry but "NOBODY" should be putting out any "TERMS" to "GET BACK INTO THE FAMILY"!!! A family has to be "A FAMILY" through thick and thin. That is just not right. Again, we are only seeing/hearing/reading a brief glimpse into what you are going through and certainly do not know all the details, but hopefully "these terms" were not spelled out for you just as you have relayed them to us.

A MARRIAGE is a partnership. Nobody is or should be a DICTATOR. Hopefully after some cooling off "You and Your Husband" will be able to sit down and talk this through and AGREE on an appropraite plan or course of action for reconciliation "that meets EVERONE'S needs".

Good luck!!!

[Lizzie]

What I get from your post about the guidelines is that you are extremely bitter about your being seen by your husband as the "outsider" to his family. While counselling for the whole family is a good idea and, hopefully, will give you the pleasure of seeing your husband and step-daughter queried on their behavior, I feel that you need your own counselor. You are not going to be able to vent, as you really need to at this time, at the family counselling meetings without being seen as the aggressive outsider, so a time to say what you please about the family you have married into would be a welcome relief to you. There is a lot of anger in you that needs to come out before family counselling can heal the breaches. This is all IMHO, of course.

If you follow the guidelines of your husband staying at the cabin and your leaving if you lose your cool again, you are being punished for what is actually a family problem and it may well be seen by your step-daughter as a victory.

I am also a step-daughter, to give some background. Amazingly, gini and I share the same age when we lost our mothers and we were both sent to live with a maternal aunt and uncle. Unfortunately, my father re-married when I was 3-1/2, and my world turned into a nightmare. I was a very difficult teenager also - not overtly, but quietly. Decades later, my step-mother tries to talk to me in a confidential way, but the opportunity for us to be close was lost long ago. If she had opened up, apologised for her irrational temper tantrums, psychogical games, etc., it might have relieved my anxiety and created a bond that lasted. Being a step-child is scary and makes a child feel destablished.

[catnapper]

Wow, I hd no idea this fight led to such drastic measures... I honestly thought you were being emotional from the fight and FELT like your marriage was ending, not that it turly WAS. ((hugs))

As for appologising: You can, and it might help, but seriously, I hope your SD is appologising for her part in it too. I highly doubt she will applogise though! Hubby needs to step in and do all the talking. and create a united front (much easier said than done, especially since half the time my hubby and I aren't on a united front!)

I remember some of my big fights with Ashley. I remember clearly her folding her arms and staring at the floor when we'd have a "family meeting". I told her that no matter what she does/did, that I'd still be here. I'm not going anywhere, so her actions will NOT push me away, no matter WHAT she'd do, I was there. I married her dad, but I also married her and her siblings. I am there beause I love all of them. A whole package. If she felt unloved, then what was it I needed to change to make her feel loved? What could I do to help her see I cared? I never did get and answer from her on those questions. In the end, what worked for Ashley was getting pregnant at 18... wow was that a wakeup call! She finally saw that I was serious all along and that I'd support her regardless what happens.

Gosh, I wish hubby would have agreed to counseling way back in the beginning. We needed it. but he felt counseling was a "joke" when everyone needed to "stop acting like idiots" He did nothing to help the situation between Ashley and me. He basically let us go at each other and said "talking to her will help" How do you talk to a brick wall? It was so bad around here that for the past year, we basically lived in the same house and had nothing to do with the other. No goodmorning or goodnight. She lived here and occupied space while I tried to tip toe around her. I can't tell you how amazing its been since she got pregnant... I always figured she'd realize I loved her once she had kids of her own. I never imagined she'd be a teen mom!

~~~~~

I see things I did when we were newly married and I know I'd do them VERY differently today. I came in and tried to make things MY way. How awful of me! They'd been used to their routine forver and I came in and turned things inside out! I am so sorry I did that. Why did I do it? Basically, I have no diea! I guess I felt it was my house and I had to carve my space in it? Make THEIRS into OURS? I don't know. I do know I regret some of the things I did to make changes to proove I was here. This is probably where Ashley's annimosity started. She was used to her role in the family and I came along and stripped her of her identity within the home. I didn't even explain why I was doing it or gave her the option to defend her role.. I just stripped her of it without realizing what I was doing. I can see where that would hurt a 13 year old (heck, it would hurt me as a 33 year old!)

I feel your pain. I was there and its still raw at times. I have a MUCH better relationship with Ashley now that she has the baby, but I still have a rocky one with my stepson. We'll get there some day, when something happens that makes him realize I care just like Ashley did. then I have the third stepkid who has always been my buddy. Go figure

I hope this novel helped you a little ((Hgus))

[BOBS DAD]

Not one posting seemed the least bit sarcastic to me.

I think everyone should read ALL previous posts.,and re-read them if
necessary, before making such a comment. Unless you're big on 'stream
of consciousness type' postings.

I don't know what Stream of Consciousness is??? But you are correct that I should have read all of the posts before jumping into the discussion. If you looked to the very next posts you will see that I did just that...

OK... I have a better grasp of things now! Sorry to have jumped the gun. Karen's advice (as everyone's) is also quite good....

I guess what I meant to say was not "sarcasm" but rather I detected some some bitterness (not that it is not warranted) in Queen's original post and not total remorse for what has transpired (again - not that she should have). I only suggested that if she was sincere in any effort to reconcile and start over - Queen would have to let go of it. As Gini correctly points out - "we" being parents and step-parent "need to be the adult" and be bigger and perhaps swallow our pride in an effort to get back on track.

So now apparently she's had a problem with me for several months. Well sweetheart. From Feb 27 till May 9 I was fighting for my life with the lump in my left breast. I lost 1/3 of my breast, I'm a small girl, fortunately it wasn't cancer - yet. Sorry, Alex, if you weren't the centre of attention. Following that I've been nothing but happier than a pig in sh*&. Looking so forward to the holiday that she ruined by bawling for her mother. I totally blame her and her Aunt Dana for poisioning her against me. So my marriage will end on the comments of a 13 year old girl influenced by her 37 year old aunt.

Soon to be a 2 time loser.

Thanks for letting me vent. Now if I could only stop crying.

I am only saying that IMO in order to even attempt a reconciliation, an acceptance of what is (regardless of "how" it got that way) has to be in place and a realization that "she is 13" and is going to be a teenager for another 6 years. If my misuse of the noun "sarcasm" seemed totally inappropriate, I apologize. Hopefully Queen can get off on a new foot and begin the journey towards a more healthy relationship and long marriage!!!

[lizbud]

I don't know what Stream of Consciousness is??? But you are correct that I should have read all of the posts before jumping into the discussion. If you looked to the very next posts you will see that I did just that...

Stream of consciousness is
.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stream_of_consciousness

I did indeed read read the next postings. That was my whole point. You
would not have had to apologize later on for what you said earlier.

I thing I've really learned a little about the problems faced by step parents
and children. I've never been in that situation and had no idea how rough
it could be in blending familyies.

[BOBS DAD]

Stream of consciousness is
.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stream_of_consciousness

I did indeed read read the next posting. That was my whole point. You
would not have had to apologize later on for what you said earlier.

Point well taken!

I learned something to. I guess you see sitcoms on the subject and think, "ah, it can't be that bad".

No... it can be worse apparently!!!

[Queen of Poop]

So I spent the last 4 days at the lake with my family. I made my apology and that went ok. Then this morning I'm told by hubby that nothing has changed, that he will not reconsider our separation. I'm hurt, crushed, etc. My confidence is so far down the toilet I'm not sure it will come back up. We entertained his whole family yesterday so last night I took Sasha to bed and had a little quiet, unwind time. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do. He's mad over that. Honestly, doggie and I had a full day and we needed just to be cuddly and quiet. I can't do anything right. I need some advice on how to heal myself, rebuild my confidence and stop this incessant crying. I love him so much, I don't want to lose him, but I feel that I am. I need self confidence. I feel like such a wimp.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Gayle....I am so sorry for your pain. Perhaps a little breathing room for both of you....and the counseling...could be a good thing?