Why couldn't I just...

[catnapper]

As a step mom myself, I know only too well the strain a teenage girl can put on a marriage. My step daughter was going to be the death of me. I swear some days it took all my power to not kill her. She hated me and all I stood for (essentially taking all attention from her) She pit me against hubby a million times.... and some times she won, others I won. At some point, I promise she WILL wake up and realize your purpose in life is not to make her life miserable.

You can PM me if you want. I know what its like to be a step mom to a 13 year old girl. It was the single hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. You feel like a total failure. No matter what you say is taken out of context. No matter what you do isn't good enough. You feel worthless and like a second class citizen in your own home. Dad is compelled to stand up for her... even if he knows you're right and she's wrong. There's the unspoken fact hanging in the back of everyone's mind that she is NOT your child.... in her mind, in hubby's mind, in you're own mind.

All I can say is thank goodness her mom was not in the picture. I can only imagine how much worse it would be! But I DID have SILs who poisoned her from me. God I hated when she went to visit her aunts. She came home with a royal attitude. When she was 13, they told her its ok to wear thongs, if it made her happy! um... don't you think her parents should decide that one? Ugh. Sorry for my own side vent... essentially, I'm trying to tell you I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now.

(((HUGS)))

[Sevaede]

Laura and Catnapper said everything that I wanted to say. Even though I have not been in your position, I am *VERY* close with someone who is and I've observed and experienced from it.

You are not a bad person, a loser, or ANYTHING like that. We all have an end to our wits and buttons that can be pushed.

**HUGS**

[Queen of Poop]

I want to say thank you to you wonderful people who replied to my dilemma. I've spent the last several days thinking I'm going out of my mind. I don't know what to do. At least today the time between the crying fits is a little longer. I feel that I am in mourning and I guess I am. Anyways thank you for the support. I've come back many times and read your responses when I've been down and they've served to pick up my self esteem. You are awesome people.

[Pawsitive Thinking]

I feel for you - I really do.

My step daughter was 8 when I took her on 20 years ago and will cheerfully admit that she did everything she could to make my life a misery and drive me and her Dad apart. Now I think we can say we're friends but it has taken a long time to get there.

You are not a bad person for feeling how you do especially with all you have been coping with. Step children are a nightmare (God knows your own are bad enough but at least you can love them unconditionally.......). Good luck sweetie, you will get through this

[Karen]

Thirteen is often a miserable age to be a human being, period. You don't know what's up or down, your body is changing, everything is changing, and typically, you are easily influenced by peers and others around you, while you're trying to figure out your place in the world.

You are not crazy, you are not wrong, this need not be the death of the marriage. She will not be 13 forever. That, I promise. Can you take her to lunch, away from everyone, and clear the air calmly, say, "I know other people have told you things about me, but I'd like to start this relationship over, just between you and I. I know I'm not your mother, I never aimed to replace her. I am married to your father, and trying my best to be a part of this family. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?" And if she refuses, well, you've made your best effort.

[BOBS DAD]

She will not be 13 forever. That, I promise. Can you take her to lunch, away from everyone, and clear the air calmly, say, "I know other people have told you things about me, but I'd like to start this relationship over, just between you and I. I know I'm not your mother, I never aimed to replace her. I am married to your father, and trying my best to be a part of this family. Do you have any questions you want to ask me?" And if she refuses, well, you've made your best effort.

OK... I have a better grasp of things now! Sorry to have jumped the gun. Karen's advice (as everyone's) is also quite good. I too think a Mulligan (or a DO-OVER) is in order. How about a "just you an me" day. Maybe some shopping (I know "my girls" sure like to shop) and then lunch/dinner and a nice long, let' s start over chat. Maybe you can do your best to talk about love and relationships (at a 13 year old perspective) - and how you feel about her Dad and your new family. Maybe ask her if she has a boyfriend??? (Try to get into her space a little -something you two can share). Maybe someone special that she likes? Could use it as a seguay (sp?) into how you and her father became romatically attracted (unless you were the reason for the parent's breakup - then you may have to use a different twist). Explain that you know what it feels like to have that flutter heart and tongue tied feeling when that special boy walks by. Offer advice on how she can catch his attention. If there is some way that you can establish a repoire on something as sensitive as this - that is special between just you and her - you may become a confident, and a special person in her life - "BECAUSE YOU UNDERSTAND" what she is going through.

Think about if there is something like this that you take a prominent role in and become the "go to" person in this area of her life!!! usually the more personal it is - "like boys", the stronger a potential bond can become. Good luck!!!

[gini]

Thirteen is often a miserable age to be a human being, period. You don't know what's up or down, your body is changing, everything is changing, and typically, you are easily influenced by peers and others around you, while you're trying to figure out your place in the world.

What Karen has said just struck a cord for me. My own Mother died when I was a ten month old baby. I, along with my older brother, lived with my maternal aunt and uncle. When I was 13 my father remarried.

Here are the following changes that took place in my life.

1. We moved across town and I had to give up my friends and go to a different school middle school. I was thrilled to be able to join my friends again in the high school. But, that was taken away and I had to go to the Catholic School.

2. I was very involved with the Presbyterian Church - their summer camp, the Sunday School and many happy activities. All of that was yanked away from me - my baptism papers destroyed. I was now Catholic.

3. I thought I was in boot camp............I had so many rules and regulations
and duties.

4. At 15 we moved to California - yet another school - a whole new life.

5. I had absolutely no one to talk to about all of these changes in my life.
I just stuffed it.

I certainly am not saying you are a bad person in any way. As an adult I have realized all that my stepmother tried to do for me - but she also made it clear I was the stepchild. I was even called Cinderella in front of her family.

What I am saying is that "I was the child" - still forming - still struggling to figure things out. "She was the adult".........."

Your job is very difficult and made even more difficult by her own natural relatives. It is almost like you have lost before you even begin.

But I will repeat my main theme - "you are the adult" - and "she is the child"
still forming, still searching and very much in need of being loved.

It would help perhaps, to step back a few steps, get your emotions under control and with your adult wisdom, assess the situation again.
This does not have to ruin your marriage. I will say prayers for your success.