I received this today, and have received them before ..... but thought I would share

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

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2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

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3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

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5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

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9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is it considered a hostage situation?

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0. Is there another word for synonym?

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11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

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12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

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13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

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14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

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15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

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16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

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17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

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20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

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21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

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23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

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24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

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26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

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27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

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28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

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30. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "a$$teroids"?

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31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

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32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

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33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

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34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?