I never ease very slowly and carefully into the few feet of space my cats have left on the bed when I go to sleep, saying "I'm sorry", "I'm really sorry", "Ooops, I didn't mean to nudge you, so sorry." Right!

I never leave late for work because Big Ted decides at the very last minute that he doesn't want to drink the fresh water in two bowls but from the kitchen tap. Sure!

I never spend ten minutes crawling around after a cat, apologising profusely and begging them to forgive me after they've rushed at my legs and I've stumbled over them. Pull the other leg!

I never spend half-an-hour unloading cat supplies from the car and about 5 seconds removing my own, how could I be so indulgent?!

I never get up from the sofa massaging my back and stretching painfully cramped legs because I waited until I couldn't stand the pain one more second before I would disturb the four or more cats piled around me. How silly that would be!