joke thread

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

An attractive young lady was on a plane arriving from Ireland. She
found herself seated next to an elderly priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, what can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem.

I bought myself a new very sophisticated vibrating hair remover for
which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the
declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at
customs. Do you think you could take it through customs for me?"

"Child, I would be too embarrassed to declare and item like that!"

The young lady then said, " Couldn't you hide it under your cassock?

Then no one would ever know." "Of course I could, my child, but you
must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you
any questions", and she gave him the worrisome personal gadget. The
aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father,
do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son", he replied.

Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
destined for use and entertainment by women, but which has never been
used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead
Father...... Next!"

[AmberLee]

Good ones, Lut!

[AmberLee]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

-----------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh ! my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."