My whole life is falling apart

[Corinna]

Every one has pretty much said it all. Except for one thing that kind of sticks out to me. You say Step mom made him come back and tell you, sounds like she was the "bad " one in this. Not to step mom bash but go back and reread your first post . You need to talk to him alone and just hash it all out.

[gini]

Goodness sakes, thank God you chose to come to all of us with this.

It doesn't sound as though anyone has considered your feelings here. And how awful that this has just been dumped on you. Sorry to bash any of your family - but good God - nice to read that they could get rid of all of their guilt and bash your Mom to boot -

No one, absolutely no one, has led a perfect stain free life! But how we handle other people's feelings if they are involved is the true test.

When these things happen, and we receive unexpected news - it blind sides us. And then we go through various stages - the first being intense hurt and that sits with us for a while. But after a while that gives way to real anger - how could they do this to you? This is the dangerous period because it is hard to contain that anger and words could be exchanged that will only make matters worse.

But finally, we enter a period of acceptance. It becomes clear that you cannot go back in time - make things go away - that what IS has to be accepted. With this period also comes some kind of inner peace - it just sneaks in and levels everything out.

This is the period you haven't entered yet - but it will come.

When you talk to any of the members of your family about this - it is important you use what are called "I" messages. That means you tell them how "YOU" feel............not how they should have acted, or how they should have handled this. Tell them how it has impacted "YOU". Please know, that they might not understand because they are too into themselves.
But they need to be told how all of this news has impacted YOU.

So help me, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes for you.

How I wish - all of us wish - that we could take it away from you.

But as so many Mothers have pointed out - there is something wonderful going on that will make your life completely worthwhile........and that is your unborn child. Just think of what a great Mom you can be - you are learning so many lessons right now that will insure that you are.

You will always be honest with this child - you won't keep any secrets from this child - you will guarantee that the child is well loved and it will feel secure.

What an example you are to the rest of your family - and they just cannot see beyond themselves to realize it. Keep up the good work - how I do admire you -

The best is yet to come - you can count on it.

And finally, I send you the biggest hug of support that I can. Don't delete this message - all of us are learning something from you too!

xxoo Gini

[tatsxxx11]

Wonderfully, perfectly said gini, I couldn't agree with you more. And our dear, sweet Sara, always the one to take it all on the chin and suffer silently I can only imagine how devastating it was for you to hear this news, to hear it now and in the manner that you did. As gini suggests, it is so important that you let your Mom, your Dad and your step mom know how all of this has impacted you, without placing blame or inditing; not in anger, but from your heart. Yes, use the "I" word! They all need to realize the overwhelming consequences of their actions or inactions. None of us lives or acts in a vacuum and what we do and say in life has far reaching effects. You are a brave and loving soul and I have no doubt that in time, you will reach a point of accepatance and hopefully, take from an otherwise sad and tragic circumstance, something positive. Again, as gini pointed out, the feelings you are experiencing are not dissimilar to those people who have experienced the death of a love one feel....shock, denial, anger, grief, acceptance. With the help of those who love you, and that certainly includes us, you will get through this Sara. Hold onto us, your friends, those who care for you and the thought that soon your life will be blessed with the greatest of gifts You cannot change what has happened, but you can look forward to the future with hope and optimism.

Love~

[pnance]

Sara I've read this thread and wasn't going to post because it brought a lot of memories for me back. But I thought some of this might help since I understand some of what your going through. When my parents seperated my dad also told me I wasn't his, at the same time my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer so I chose not to confront her with it. He then went and told my 8 year old sister that my mom was going to die when Dr.'s said w/treatment she had a good chance. All this was in the space of a month. Part of me has always regretted not confronting my mom about what he said, but to be honest I'm not sure I want to know. You should give yourself a lot of credit for doing that and agree with the others that you should sit down and talk to her or you'll probably always wonder. What gini said is right you have something wonderful to focus on right now and that's your child. Right now everything seems to be falling apart, but in the end you'll come out of all this a better/stronger person. Time can heal a lot of wounds and bring understanding. My father and I didn't speak for 10 years after all this and I lost all contact with that side of my family. In the past few years we've begun to take tentative steps towards a relationship. I guess the point i'm trying to make is that right now you probably feel that everything is going wrong, try to focus on the things that are good and going right and eventually you'll be able to look back on this time and realize it was hard and painful but gave you a stength and understanding that you'll pass on to your own child. I wish you all the best and if you just want to talk feel free to contact me.