My whole life is falling apart

[catnapper]

I am soooo very sorry. It sounds like a dreadful Christmas and New Years.

I wish I had words of wisdom that wopuld magically make you feel better, but I don't.

I am so sorry that your dad is making this harder on you, but it sounds like he's doing what he thinks needs to be done. Maybe he's been so hard on you in the past because this little family secret has been burning him up. Now you know exactly why he and your stepmom have been so venomous towards your mom.... now that everyone knows, and everyone can move on.

I've seen time and time again, men from older generations who are too stubborn to admit they may have done something wrong. Perhaps telling you about your paternity is his way of letting you know why he's acted the way he has, and this is his way of saying "lets start over." This could be his way of creating a new, closer relationship with you. Because now he doesn't have to lie, he doesn't have to know in the back of his head that he's harboring a secret from you --- one that I really feel you need to know. I know people will argue that, but for health reasons, you really DO need to know about your real father's family health history so YOU can protect yourself and the baby if there's a family history of certain diseases.

((((HUGS))))) Don't feel bad about posting here - you'll get a lot of support.

[Pam]

Sara, I have always admired you for being so mature for your age. (This is coming from an old lady of 59!) You have had some things hurled at you recently that would most certainly have caused many others to cave in. I am glad you have posted because, as you can already see, there is a lot of love here and wisdom and compassion.

I personally don't know how I'd feel or what I would do in your situation, but I doubt I would be handling it well. I know it would be very easy to get angry at everything and everyone at this point, but anger is often worse on the person who harbors it than on the one/ones that we are angry at. I can feel the love that you have for both parents and once again that speaks to your maturity and cool head despite all of the emotions you must be feeling. I don't have anything to say to help, but can pray for you and offer you (((hugs))) and a listening ear. Bless you sweetie. You and that little one will be in my prayers.

[anna_66]

Sara,
I'm so sorry to hear your feeling so terrible and it sounds like the timing of this whole thing is just as bad.

Oh how I wish I was there to give you a BIG HUG and tell you everything was going to be alright.

Just know that we're all here for you no matter what.
PM if you need anything at all OK?

Love ya sweetie
Anna

[Cataholic]

Sara- I pm'd you.

But, I just want to make a small point- publically. Your whole life is NOT falling apart. Far from it. Your whole life is really just about to explode tenfold with JOY, BLESSINGS, AND LOVE from above. I have a feeling there are several mothers on here that would echo my sentiments.

Hang in there, as I can promise you, things will get better.

Johanna

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

Oh Sara, I'm so sorry all this is going on now, at a time when you need support more than anything.

Obviously I don't know your dad or any of your family, and only know you from PT, so this is no justification for anyone, just a stab at trying to help you understand.

Obviously divorce is tough on everyone, including the extended family. And you being pregnant on top of it doesn't make it any easier - on anyone. Emotions are obviously running high in your whole family, which is probably what prompted your father to make this revelation at this time.

First of all, the most obvious thing to do from my outsiders point of view is to call your mom and have a good long talk. She said she you should call and ask any questions you want, so don't beat around the bush. Before you call - or better yet, visit in person - make a list of questions. This will keep you focused because things could get quite emotional while you're talking to her, and you might forget a question or two.

Secondly, have a talk with your dad and stepmom. Tell them you love him/them and you want them in your life, but you do not appreciate all the "mom bashing" and ask them to stop that. Tell them you need their support and appreciate their offer to help you out, but the best way they can do that is to stop any and all negativity towards everything including your mom, your divorce, your ability to make it on your own, your status as daughter, etc.

Thirdly, do not ever apologize for bringing your problems to PT. We are all here for you, through good and bad. Sometimes we may not be able to offer advice, but as you are finding by writing your journal, sometimes it just helps so much to just write it all down and get it off your chest.

Fourthly, remember there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm. So like Johanna says.....

Hang in there sweetie, things will get better. {{{hugs}}}

[Kfamr]

Sara, I really wish there was something I could say that would patch things up and make them "perfect" for you. I am at loss of words and I really do wish you the best. Please, although I may not have much to say, if you need anyone to talk to please PM me. BIG {{{HUGS}}} to you...

Kay

[Queen of Poop]

It's not falling apart, but it is certainly giving you a good test. Getting thru this adversity will make you a much stronger person and able to carry on into the future with your baby. Be strong, get what you need from your support system (family), and don't be afraid to get what you can from us here at Pet Talk. Take care dear, know that you are in our hearts/prayers.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

My mom called me at work. Because I sent her an email telling her I couldn't stop crying and I didn't know what to do.

She thought it was some of my "pregnant hormones" but. I told her it wasn't that it was because of what dad told me.

She asked if I wanted to talk about it now - and of course I don't .... not at work anyway. I can tell she feels terrible - she didn't want to let me go but really didn't have anything to say. I wish I could get a hug from her right now.

I can't believe this is happeing. I would never in a million years think that this would happen to me. I feel SO DEPRESSED! And it makes it worse knowing I can't just keep it together for the baby. I want to be happy and be healthy for the baby..... but this is really just too much for me right now.

I'm gonna go and look at some pictures of everyones furry kids.... i really need a smile right now.

[My Peanuts]

He loves you and you love him. He is your Dad no matter what. Maybe now that this is out in the open your relationship will be better. Maybe subconsciously he was resenting you and now the two of you can get past this. You are pregnant and it might be a good idea for your baby’s sake to find who your real dad is, so you can get some kind of biological history. I really feel for you. My life has been having some pretty bad ups and downs too.

[moosmom]

Your whole life is really just about to explode tenfold with JOY, BLESSINGS, AND LOVE from above. I have a feeling there are several mothers on here that would echo my sentiments.

I echo, I echo!!!!! Wait till the moment they place that precious bundle in your arms and this will all melt away. Although your Dad's timing really sucks, I also think being pregnant, rampant hormones and the stress of the holidays doesn't help matters.

Don't ever feel like you're being a bother because you need to vent. That's what friends are for!!

Sara,

We love you and only want you to be happy. Big HUGS from me and the kits!

Donna

[slleipnir]

I'm sorry all this is happening to you. My sister's father was pretty bad to her, I guess...so my mom and her moved away from him. She never talked to him since (she was really small at the time) she met my dad some time later. My dad has always treated her like a daughter, and if you ask my sister what he fathers name is, she will say my dad's name. She says he is more of a father than her real one...I guess what I'm trying to say is it doesn't really matter about "blood" he is your father. I guess that doesn't help at all...but I hope it gets better for you, I really do.

[NoahsMommy]

Sara,

What I first feel compelled to tell you is that you did the right thing coming to us - those who care for you - with your current problems.

I too grew up with a dad who when in the company of his new wife, would spend weekend visits telling all about how horrible of a mother I had. (like you, I lived with mom - dad only had visitations rights) Now that I'm older, I've realized all it did was make them look like complete idiots. No matter what age, that is wrong. I understand the love you feel for your father, but honey, please look at his actions...not his words. You need and deserve support...

I know that you find solace and comfort in God...and honey, right now, you need it. He loves you, and while you're going through a horrible time right now, He is there to talk to. I know that when we get in over our heads in fear/frustration/anger, we tend to blame Him. But, even if you are mad at Him, He can still provide peace. I'll keep you in my prayers, OK?

I'm sorry you've found out there is a possibility that your father may not be your bio father. But like the others have said, genes don't mean all that much. My step-dad has only been in my life for about 6 years and I adore him. He's done more for me that my biological father ever did...or would do.

I hope I didn't say anything too harsh about your father. I'm reading this without the emotion you feel right now AND I care about you alot, honey. It hurts me to know you're in pain and that a family member is causing it. You're dealing with SOOO much right now, I'd love to take it away for you.

If you want to talk, will you let me know?? I can call you whenever you'd like. I'm going to PM you my contact information, OK?? I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this, its not fair.

Hugs and Love,
Kelly

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Oh Sara, I'm so sorry all this is going on now, at a time when you need support more than anything.

Obviously I don't know your dad or any of your family, and only know you from PT, so this is no justification for anyone, just a stab at trying to help you understand.

Obviously divorce is tough on everyone, including the extended family. And you being pregnant on top of it doesn't make it any easier - on anyone. Emotions are obviously running high in your whole family, which is probably what prompted your father to make this revelation at this time.

First of all, the most obvious thing to do from my outsiders point of view is to call your mom and have a good long talk. She said she you should call and ask any questions you want, so don't beat around the bush. Before you call - or better yet, visit in person - make a list of questions. This will keep you focused because things could get quite emotional while you're talking to her, and you might forget a question or two.

Secondly, have a talk with your dad and stepmom. Tell them you love him/them and you want them in your life, but you do not appreciate all the "mom bashing" and ask them to stop that. Tell them you need their support and appreciate their offer to help you out, but the best way they can do that is to stop any and all negativity towards everything including your mom, your divorce, your ability to make it on your own, your status as daughter, etc.

Thirdly, do not ever apologize for bringing your problems to PT. We are all here for you, through good and bad. Sometimes we may not be able to offer advice, but as you are finding by writing your journal, sometimes it just helps so much to just write it all down and get it off your chest.

Fourthly, remember there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm. So like Johanna says.....

Hang in there sweetie, things will get better. {{{hugs}}}

I couldn't have said it better!!
I also would like to emphasize (sp??)that your REAL parents are the ones who raised you, loved you, took care of you. I see the perfecr proof of that in both my children. They are both adopted, so there is NO physical bond between them and my hubby & I. Still, they are OUR kids, and it doesn't matter to us what history they have . They also both say they see US as their real parents!
Hang in there, Sara. Try to get more information, but put it all behind you then. Concentrate on that new little being that is growing inside you, it will bring happiness in your life again

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

I am so sorry that your dad is making this harder on you, but it sounds like he's doing what he thinks needs to be done. Maybe he's been so hard on you in the past because this little family secret has been burning him up. Now you know exactly why he and your stepmom have been so venomous towards your mom.... now that everyone knows, and everyone can move on.

That is one thing that makes this so painful. My dad or stepmom are far from angels. My dad was an alcoholic that cheated on my mom numerous times - even with my stepmom. I really can't stand her sometimes for some of the ways she acts like my mom is a bad person. I can't say my mom was justified for what she did - and I can't blame her either.

My dad tells me each and every way my mom went wrong - never admitting his own mistakes. Sometimes I think he does it so I will like/love him more. But this time I fell he went too far. He really hurt me this time - i feel he had no business telling me what he did. There is nothing anyone can do about it now.... and no one will benifit from him telling me...... I am so angry.


But... thanks again everyone for your kind words and hugs - I didn't think it would make me feel better to talk about it .... but it has. You guys are the best!!!!!

[NoahsMommy]

He really hurt me this time - i feel he had no business telling me what he did. There is nothing anyone can do about it now.... and no one will benifit from him telling me...... I am so angry.

Sara,

I'm glad you realize this. What he did was hateful. There wasn't going to be ANYTHING good from this comment to you...nothing.

I wish I could come over and give you a huge hug right now, sweetie!!!