Oh Heather - I'm so sorry - only just noticed a post in Cat General with In Loving Memory of Gem.... - so I rushed over here - I just don't believe it - how sad for you - poor little Gem shuch a short life - but a loved and happy one.
You need to go through a real grieving process now - and give yourself time to forgive yourself, from the sound of it your blaming yourself for something totally out of your hands.
Your poor babies are at Rainbow Bridge and at least Ebony was there to meet Gem. Can't you just see them lolloping through the grass and having a great time - their happy and waiting for you. {{{{{Heather}}}}}

Love Lynne