joke thread

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Here is another joke...... I know it is terrible... but FUNNY!!!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it
really doesn't bother me too much. My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a
matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office. You didn't
know I was farting because they don't smell
and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and
come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor,"
she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but
now my farts...although still silent...
stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've
cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your
hearing."

[captain]

I received this today, and have received them before ..... but thought I would share

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

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2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

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3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

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5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

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9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is it considered a hostage situation?

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0. Is there another word for synonym?

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11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

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12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

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13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

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14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

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15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

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16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

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17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

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20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

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21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

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23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

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24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

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26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

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27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

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28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

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30. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "a$$teroids"?

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31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

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32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

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33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

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34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

[vinjashira]

Don't feel stupid about using your computer - read on. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.

The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

13.
Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Now, don't you feel better about your skill level?

[Dorothy39]

I sure did enjoy reading the joke thread at Pet Talk,.Glad someone started it.

I'll be back with a joke or two to share .

Laughter is the worlds best medicine!!!!!!