joke thread

[anna_66]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade ! from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software
augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2!

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[AmberLee]

SIGNS THAT THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE IS NEARING THE END OF ITS WARRANTY

Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".

Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.

Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".

Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.

Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".

Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the
man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the
crusty old judge, "Your Honor, my client has produced
receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem."

"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.

"Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to
communicate over vast distances at high rates of
speed. It allows email and something called
cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."

"Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a
modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the
morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event
of nature!"

"Secondly, Your Honor," continues the lawyer, "My client
can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom."

"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

"Yes Your Honor, it enables millions of bits of
information to be read off a small disk."

"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex
related... Modern technology and modern society,
baffling, just baffling," comments the judge.

"I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society
these days."

"Thirdly Your Honor, my client can produce a receipt for
the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."

"That's Model 44, the one with the silicone breasts and real
hair," replies the judge.

[vinjashira]

Originally posted by Maya & Inka's mommy
"12-speed cd-rom?" queries the judge.

er... isn't that ancient?

[Chica]

There was an American man that had a meeting in France. He met a woman that night and they had their own meeting. While they had sex, she was yelling "Trou Faux". He did not know what that meant, but he assumed it to be a praise. The next day he went golfing with some men he had a meeting with. One of the men made a hole in one. He yelled "Trou Faux". They looked at him and said "what do you mean wrong hole!"

[gini]

an old joke, but still cute.........




An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations. She loved them so much, she
couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their
box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from
the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished with their inoculations.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had
grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned
forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

[vinjashira]

great jokes
keep them coming!

[AmberLee]

Some Country Wisdom

1. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

2. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

3. Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.

4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

5. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

6. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

7. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

8. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

9. Meanness don't happen overnight.

10. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

11. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

12. Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

13. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

14. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

15. Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.

16. Don't corner something meaner than you.

17. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

18. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

19. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

20. Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

21. You can't unsay a cruel thing.

22. Every path has some puddles.

23. Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

24. The best sermons are lived, not preached.

25. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

26. Never squat if you are wearing spurs.

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a reason for the move:

You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie, in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Valentine's Cards That Didn't Make It

* I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
but the thing I like best is getting you drunk.

* Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless one day you refuse to swallow.

* I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

* This feels so good, it feels so right.
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

* You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class;
especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass.

* Before I met you, my heart was famished
But now I'm fulfilled
So make me a sandwich.

* Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown
But so's your ass.

* You're a honey and you're a cutie;
I just wished you had J-Lo's booty.

* I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it; I'm horny.

* If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one I gave to your sister.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs
the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head
down to his favorite hunting area.

He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain
is really pouring down, It is like a torrential downpour.
There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind
is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the
TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad
weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in
the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there is really
terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe
my stupid ass husband is out hunting in that shit?"

[AmberLee]

Hee, hee. I really loved the non-PC valentine verses.

Tried to resist posting a response. It was a pleasant thrill to see 1234 posts in this thread. Oh well, 1235 isn't bad, either!

[AvaJoy]

I'm laughing hard, Maya & Inka's Mom!!!

How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have Children

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind couch and leave it there all summer.

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Try stuffing it into a small net bag, making sure that all the appendages stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. Still not on your last nerve? Try this:

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

Automobile Test: Forget the BMW and buy an SUV or van. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove box. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD or cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides ot the vehicle. There . . . perfect!

Physical Test (women): Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove about 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Proceed to the nearest food store or toy store, whichever is closest. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it uninterrupted for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their skills regarding discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and the child's table manners. Suggest some ways they might improve. Emphasize that they should never allow their kids to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[doggylovr6]

There was some sort of british man that needed someone to paint his porch. Being the nationality he was, when he told the women that painted it, he said "Just give the porsh a nice good 2 coats" When the lady came back, and knocked on the door she said it was a Marcedes, not a porsh. ahahhahah

[doggylovr6]

There was a man and he was a gambler and the only friend he had was a parrot. Since he was a gambler, he always taught the bird bad language so when his buddies came over on Thanksgiving, the bird was bad mouthing them. What the man did was stick him in the freezer for 5 minits. When he took the bird out the bird was saying "I will never badmouth no one ever again but i only have one question" What did the turkey do?

haha get it. thanksgiving, turkey in the freezer, bird in the freezer. ahahahahha

[flamepony12]

lol, these are so funny!!