joke thread

[LauralG]

Answering machine message 09
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!


LOL





Thankyou Willie for this signature I just love it.

[RICHARD]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it
didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

[gini]

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went
to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The
Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for
small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went. She
reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The
blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running
smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the
top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his
jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of
the woods, the blonde was walking out. "What happened?" the Instructor asked.
"All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan

[slick]

> A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
> rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to
> the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
>
> Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
> buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some
> more.
>
> "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
>
> "But I always buy it here," says the blonde
>
> "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
pharmacist.
>
> "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
>
> She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
> looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of
> underarm deodorant"
>
> Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud
> from the container....."TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[Tonya]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!!!!
>
> A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
> I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
> started."
>
> Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
>
> The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
>
> Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
> and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
>
> He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
> her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
> able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
>
> He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice
> cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, .........................
>
> "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
>

[ILoveMyAbbyGirl]

THAT... was great, Tonya!

[bluekat]

LMAO Tonya!!!

[trayi52]

Corporate Ladder

After a two year-long study, the National Science Foundation announced
the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people
is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
your balls become.

[captain]

ROTFL - that was brilliant!

[micki76]

LMAO!!

[slick]

> >A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
> >
> >He puts the alligator up on the bar.
> >
> >He turns to the astonished patrons.
> >
> >"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
> >genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
> >He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a
drink."
> >
> >The crowd murmured their approval.
> >
> >The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth.
> >
> >The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
> >
> >After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
> >hard on the top of its head.
> >
> >The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as
> >promised.
> >
> >The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
> >
> >The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try."
> >
> >A hush fell over the crowd.
> >
> >After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
> >
> >A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but don't hit me so hard on
> >the head with the beer bottle!"

[captain]

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE, (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):

- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

- A backward poet writes inverse.

- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

- Every calendar's days are numbered.

- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to be at.

- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[guster girl]

Ok, this is a lame joke, but, it always gets a laugh. Or are people just laughing at me when I tell it? hmmmm....anyway, it makes me laugh, so here goes.....

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
the one with the sticker that says "IDAHO"!

bu-dum-bum!

[guster girl]

oooo!!!!! Has anyone told the joke from "Pulp Fiction"? It's another one that's really lame, but, I love it. Sorry if this is a repeat....

Mama tomato, papa tomato and baby tomato are walking down the street together. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Papa tomato goes and steps on him and says "ketchup."

[Pam]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of
going home, he stayed out the entire weekend playing
golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he
was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a tirade for his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said
to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me
for two or three days?" To which the husband
replied: "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday
went by and he didn't see his wife. Wednesday came
and went with the same results. Finally on Thursday
the swelling went down just enough where he could
see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.