joke thread

[Tanya&Fritz]

The Cat, The Mice, And Heaven

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where
he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is
any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please
let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have
lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden
floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful,
fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful
new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds
him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On
Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

[Tanya&Fritz]

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.

[captain]

Caught for speeding:
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Number 2
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

[wolfsoul]

Hope this one's not too dirty

Two white horses fall in the mud and three come out! haha I love that one!

The others I have are either really sick or talk about drugs, sex, etc..

[captain]

Sort of a joke .......

In my next life I want to be a bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months._ I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid._ I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs._ I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.__ I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling._ He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup ..... Gonna be a bear.

[anna_66]

The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their
hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was
with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied
during the wait. The child was about six years old, snub nosed,
freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep
silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y,
I fear," carefully spelling the key word.

Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t!"

[anna_66]

[ellensy]

what's that?? mm, a black pomeranian?

[ChrisH]

it`s a Hungarian Puli dog!

Rockisland Puli - Photo Gallery

[gini]

Chris, thanks......

Aren't they wonderful?

[anna_66]

Originally posted by ChrisH
it`s a Hungarian Puli dog!

Rockisland Puli - Photo Gallery

Thanks Chris!

[AvaJoy]

Hope this isn't too risque . . .

Q. Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

A. It is the one with the little sticker that reads: IDAHO.

[captain]

That is really good ..... I like it!

[RICHARD]

The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a national crisis. They have plenty of rackets...but no balls!!

[captain]

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. You know, the ones that change color to reflect mood changes.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.