joke thread

[RICHARD]

two rubes go to their first pro sports event........a football game..

when they come back into town the people are curious about their adventure........

the first question is, 'How did you like it?"

the first rube says, 'seems like an awful lot of trouble for 25 cents."

'what do you mean?, ' a second person asks...

"everyone kept yelling, GET THE QUARTER BACK!"

[Kfamr]

Got this is the mail.... Sorry if it was posted

> > FIRST DEGREE
> >
> > A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
> > at 2 in the morning.
> > The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
> > phone, listened a moment
> > and
> > said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from
> > here!" and hung up.
> >
> > The husband said, "Who was that?"
> > The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting
> > to know if the coast
> > Is
> > clear."
> >
> > SECOND DEGREE
> > Two blondes are walking down the street. One
> > notices a compact on the
> > sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens
> > it, looks in the
> > mirror
> > and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
> > The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So
> > the first blonde hands
> > her
> > the compact. The second one looks in the mirror
> > and says, "You dummy,
> > it's me!"
> >
> > THIRD DEGREE
> > A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
> > her, so she goes out
> > and
> > buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
> > unexpectedly and when she opens
> > the
> > door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
> > Well, the blonde is
> > really
> > angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
> > and as she does so,
> > she
> > is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
> > puts it to her head. The
> > boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
> > The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
> >
> > FOURTH DEGREE
> > A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
> > state capitals. She
> > proudly
> > says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
> > A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of
> > Wisconsin?"
> > The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
> >
> > FIFTH DEGREE
> > What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
> > her she was pregnant?
> > "Is it mine?"
> >
> > SIXTH DEGREE
> > Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
> > freshman, sat in her US
> > government class. The professor asked Bambi if
> > she knew what Roe vs.
> > Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then
> > finally said, "That
> > was
> > the decision George Washington had to make
> > before he crossed the
> > Delaware."
> >
> > SEVENTH DEGREE
> > Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
> > to find her house
> > ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
> > police at once and
> > reported
> > the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the
> > call on the radio, and
> > a
> > K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to
> > respond. As the K-9
> > officer
> > approached the house with his dog on a leash,
> > the blonde ran out on
> > the
> > porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
> > dog, then sat down on
> > the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
> > moaned, "I come home to
> > find all my possessions stolen. I call the
> > police for help, and what
> > do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

A farmer orders his workers to clean out the big "toilet-reservoir" . So they start emptying it with buckets.
Suddenly Louis sees that his jackets falls into the mess. He stops working and tries to catch his jacket.
"Hey , Louis , leave it there ! You know you can never wear that jacket again !!!"
"Yep , I know," says Louis , "but my sandwiches for lunch are still in my pocket !!!"

[anna_66]

A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing
convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing
your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an
extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her
eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

[RICHARD]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all
of his money. He was a real miser when came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he
died, he said to his wife, "now listen, when I die , I want you to take
all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my
money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart
that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife
was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said "wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box
and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Lady, I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money
in there with that man." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket
with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into
my account and I wrote him a check."

[Tanya&Fritz]

The Golden Phones

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very
large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line
to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago,
Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas,
lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time,
the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have
been in cities all across the country and in each church I found
this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches
the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very
easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course,
it's a local call from here."

[RICHARD]

Originally posted by Tanya&Fritz
Your sign reads 25 cents a call.
Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very
easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course,
it's a local call from here."

LMMFAO!!!!!


does god still watch the cowboys thru the hole in the roof of texas stadium???

[Tanya&Fritz]

Little Tommy Can't Find The Bathroom

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.
Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"

Tommy is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

[anna_66]

Crazy Charlie, the used-car dealer, was out to break
all sales records with his "like new" models.
A large sign in his window announced: "A Blonde Free
With Each Car."

A delighted young wolf plunked down his cash and, hot
with anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into
the country. He parked, gave her a couple of
preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her
ear.

She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that
when you bought this car."

[anna_66]

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

[anna_66]

Kids Pray

I love kids letters about misinterpreting the Lord's Prayer.
When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this
prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I
could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and
forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good
laugh over this and the memory still remains in my heart.

Groton, Mass.
My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary,full of
grapes."

Missoula, Mont.
My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father,who art in
Heaven, how didja know my name?"

Uniontown, Ohio.
I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly
bread."

Oak Harbor, Wash.
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."

Grand Junction, Colo.
When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into
temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get
into trouble.



During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was
speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble
controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the
congregation, "I apologise for crying so much. I'm usually
not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's
okay. We like big boobs."

[ChrisH]

Oh, Anna, those are all so funny! Thanks!

Chris

[anna_66]

[anna_66]

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one
morning at 4:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry
voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number
before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his
neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don't have
a dog."

[gini]

Anna, your joke reminded me of a personal story. We were vacationing and staying in a Condo. Someone kept calling us at 1 AM - 2 AM and on.......saying our television was too loud.

Each time, we were sound asleep. I sure wish I would have seen your joke then. I would have done exactly that!!