joke thread

[Former User]

A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. So she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex." "But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[lynnestankard]

Aw everybody - - - - - -






These are hysterical - love those 'flight' jokes.
Anna - have already sent your 'Americans Travelling' to daughter Diane in Chicago!! When she gets to her desk at 7.30am your time you'll probably hear the screams of laughter!!!

Lynne

[anna_66]

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

[slleipnir]

Thats good lol. It kinda reminds me of a show I was watching (either Jay Leno or Conan O'Brian)
They were showing how car alarms don't always work. Then they showed 'the new type' where instead of a loud noise when someone breaks it, its a soft, calm voice saying something about jesus watching them or something..then the robber person kinda slowly walked away with a weird look on his face..Hm, I can't explain it, Iguess you would have had to watch it. It was funny though ;D

[Randi]

A blonde joke ....

My First Day on the Job!

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde
went in to try out for the job.

After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the
sheriff asked in desperation one final question:

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought
really hard for a minute and finally admitted:

"I don't know!"

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for
a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where
some friends were waiting to hear the results of the
interview.

The blonde couldn't be happier.

"It's my first day on the job, and it went great."

"I'm already working on a murder case!"

[anna_66]

Good One!

[AmberLee]

Yes, I AM hooked on the "Cats with Hands" cartoons. Here is 6 Jun 2002's cartoon Enjoy!

[Fuzzy317]

Q. How do you turn a stallion into a pig?

A. Marry him!

[slleipnir]

HAHA...this is sad but those little happy/laughy faces crack me up almost as much as the jokes

[krazyaboutkatz]

These jokes are great.I need to find some good jokes to share with you. Thanks for the laughs.

[Former User]

Q: Why did the blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month?
A: Because the box said "up to 20 pounds.
---------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde that bleaches her hair?
A: A frosted flake.
---------------------------
Q: What did the blonde call her zebra?
A: Spot.
------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
A: That's where you wash vegetables isn't it?
-------------------------------

[anna_66]

I figured as long as we're on the blonde jokes............

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up
and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up
all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared
at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.

[Ann]

LOL Anna, that one is great!!

[lynnestankard]

They're all great!!! Wish I could remember jokes!! Keep 'em coming everybody!

this is a "water" joke !!

Bart had bought a new tank for salt-water-fish .
At home he realised he needed salted water .
So he stept in his car and drove all the way to the sea .
There he saw a fisher man and asked him for a bucket of sea-water .Okay , said the man , that will cost you one dollar !
Bart payed and returned home . There he realised he needed much more buckets of the water .
So he drove back to the sea . There the sea had withdrawn , and it was low tide ;
He joined the fisherman and said : well you lucky guy , you seem to have sold lots of buckets today hey !!!!!!!!!!!!